Saying Goodbye--to a Dream?

An Open Letter



To: the Staff, faculty, students, members and friends of the A-1 Writing Academy

I've done it before. It is always a hard thing to do. This time, it is made much more difficult because it is done by causes not of my making, or deeds of my doing. Yet, it must be done. I can do the hard things that confront me, so long as I know that saying goodbye to a dream is the right and best thing to do. Even after a year or two, it still lies within me, this question of why it must be done. Sometimes, however, "why" just doesn't matter.

I have no feelings of anymosity to the cause. It was a great one. I have no feelings of anger or resentment towards those members, students, and faculty who gave so very much of themselves, tirelessly pursuing a shared dream. They came along willingly, for the most part. Some gave time and careful consideration, yet decided to go for the dream. They put themselves, and their lives to this cause for a long time. I know, because I was there.

When I became aware of the deception which caused the death of the dream, I tried to address it. Perhaps that was an error, I truly do not know. But, for whatever reasons, the dream died inside it's original holder, and it was turned into a weapon of deceit, hate, and hurt. I didn't do that. I am not responsible for that, either. I have no feelings of guilt, remorse, or even sin for those events which, without my knowledge or participation, killed a dream shared by hundreds. Someone else did. It was done maliciously, and with purposeful intent. You see, it was not done to kill a dream. It was done purely to hurt one person--me. Yet, so many were hurt. The dream became a weapon of choice to hurt everyone who shared it, by the one person who did not. That's the way dreams die.

I hate it when dreams die. I especially hate it when dreams of good purpose and hope die. I feel and grieve the death of the dream that A-1 Writing Academy was every day. I probably will for the remainder of my life. It is a hole in my soul. No matter what else comes along to replace it--and I know there are those who are trying--it will not be what the dream was, or could have been.

I wish those who are working to resurrect the Academy only the very best. I feel terrible that those who have no idea of what happened, or how it happened, are forced to work with ashes that never needed to exist. I hate it that, no matter the degree, my name and work will forever be associated with the "cause" or "reason" their work is harder.

I do sincerely and with the deepest regret, apologize to anyone who has been touched by the hatred and small-mindedness of others in the destruction of this shared dream. If you wish to forever hold me responsible, I will understand. However, I know how it really happened. I also know why it happened. I am not responsible for either. I was just available. Circumstances which led to the death of this dream were not of my doing, or my making. That is, for me, the saddest part of all.

For the part that I played in the dream, I am proud to know that it was so worthy that it caused fear, resentment, jealousy, and anger in others. Those who needed the dream to fail were supposed to be outside the Academy--but they were not. Now it is time to set the story straight. I will do that by living, which is to some the most fearful outcome. It is also the only revenge I can offer. The dream is dead? Not at all! Rest assured, I and this dream are both very much alive and kicking--sort of.

I am, with a heavy heart, moving on. I hope that all who have been affected by this entire event will be able to do the same. For whatever part I, my name, or my work made you feel bad, sad, or pain, I do sincerely apologize and ask your forgiveness. I, too was a victim. But, like me, good dreams have a life of their own.

I believed in the dream, because it came to me to care for, nourish, and grow. I am not just a "lay down and die" sort of guy. I believe in it still. If you can get past the evil of others, you might find it living still, somewhere down the road. If you still believe, I hope you will trust your instincts, and believe in the dream still. If it is too painful to believe, or try again, I will understand.

I, however, cannot just watch it turn to ash, wisping away with the winds of time and silence. There is a way to do it correctly. I know what that way is, I believe. I also believe there are many ways to do a dream that will cause it to die. I still have the dream. I still believe in the dream of having an online learning activity which provides the highest quality education possible. I do intend to work with all the energy and time I have to make that dream a reality. You see, it was never MY dream in the first place. It was much larger than one person, or even a group of dedicated people. That's the irony of it all, you see.

Only time will tell, but as for me, I will do all I can to make the dream the reality it was always supposed to be. A-1 is gone. But the dream isn't.

Perhaps I will see you down the road a bit. Maybe not. But, either way, I will do what I was given to do to the very best of my ability. Success, they say, is the very best revenge. I have no feelings of revenge. But, I must admit to you, I do still see the dream. I'm not going to let it down. I hope that, in time, you will want, again, to share the dream.

If you do, if you want to help once again to create THE dream into a vital, profitable (yes, it will be for real money--for real results) activity that recognizes not only the potential of it's participants but the possibilities of high achievement, then I hope you will let me know.

Going forward, from the pain of the past and the hurt caused by others, it is my one goal to see that the dream so feared reaches a reality they could not even dream. That's only fair. That is the only truth which matters. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I never claimed to be. I am as tattered as anyone else. Am I guilty of those nefarious lies pointed at me? Absolutely not. I am a man, with all the bruises and scars that 53 years of sometimes hard living give you. I have plenty of sins to account for--and I ask that they be forgiven every day by the One who can forgive them, and put them as far away from me as East is from the West. I hope that you do too. But, I also am a man of distinct purpose. I like to think I am an honorable man.

I try to live an honorable life. I have illnesses which cause me to deal with reality in a very special way. That way sometimes causes others fear--it's really just that simple. But, as long as I have had this dream to protect, nourish, grow, and fullfill, I have come to understand that this dream is much larger than any one person. Others learned that, and feared it. That was, is, and always will be a very stupid mistake to make. It's not about me--it never was. It never will be. But, it WILL be. I somehow just know it. Others protest that it is too much, too large, too complicated, and too great a task to endeavor.

That's just the kind of thing that gets me going. I love "God-sized" dreams. If this be one of those, let it be so. I know that these dreams do not come to fail. Those who have the vision will come. I just know it. My job is to keep the dream safe, alive, and active. I will do that to the very best of my ability. Success often comes from failure. We learn, we alter the course, and we go forward. It's just not about us, you see.

Sometimes, that's just too hard for some people to grasp. Not me. And, I hope there are many others amongst us who will say "It's bigger than I am. That's just great! What can I do to help?" But, dreams are often left to the solitude of one. Noah. Jacob. David. Disney. Lincoln. Iacocca. The new student. The faculty member with the passion to share. Then, somehow, in the darkness of doubt and confusion, someone whispers, "Is there anybody there?", and another from the darkness and isolation of solitude whispers back, "Yes. I am here."

Then, the dream has two believers, then four, then sixteen. Then, the dream grows into a reality that just cannot be denied. Not because of a person, but rather because of each person. I am but one. I hope there will be an answer. The dream lives. Life goes on. It matters to me. That's enough.

Good luck on your journey. May you find health, safety, and joy along the way. Peace to you, and may all your dreams lead you to Grand Adventures!



Soli Deo Gloria!



M. B. "Bud" Fields, Jr. DMA

West Frankfort, Illinois USA

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