Let's Give Snuggles a Bath!

755 words

Let's Give Snuggles a Bath!

Are you bored to tears?  Are you trying to decide what to do to pass the time on a cold and rainy Saturday afternoon?  Has your life been dull as dishwater lately?  Are you harboring a secret death wish--or perhaps just a hankering for some excitement?  Well, nothing can restore your zest for life better than a rousing round of my favorite game, “Let's Give Snuggles a Bath!”  Just follow my instructions and enjoy!

Assemble all necessary game equipment:  one bottle of shampoo (any brand); one Texas-sized towel; one case of beer (any brand); one DVD, titled Old Yeller; one television, one DVD player; one large and extremely muscular human assistant, named Claude; one giant-economy-sized first aid kit; and one 95-pound Labrador, named Snuggles.  By the way, in case I failed to mention it before, assemble all this equipment in your bathroom.  You will notice very early in the game, that even if you have a very large bathroom, once you assemble your game equipment, your bathroom will be transformed into a quite cozy, intimate space.

After assembling your equipment in the bathroom, enter the bathroom, closing the door behind you.  Begin filling the bath tub with warm water.  As the tub fills, open three beers, pass them out, and drink a toast to the success of your Let's Give Snuggles a Bath! game.  Next, have your large and extremely muscular human assistant named Claude turn on the television, insert the DVD, and fast forward the movie to the scene where Old Yeller dies.  While Claude does that, feed the 95-pound Labrador named Snuggles a beer.  Once Snuggles finishes the beer, turn off the water and coax Snuggles into the bath tub.  This is the easy part.  By the way, in case I failed to mention it before, Snuggles loves to take a bath.

After you get Snuggles into the bath tub, give Snuggles another beer.  After Snuggles finishes this beer, open the bottle of shampoo (any brand) and begin applying it to Snuggles' back, from head to tail, with your left hand.  As you lather Snuggles with your left hand, use your right hand to drink a beer.  By this time, you have probably noticed that Snuggles is a happy Labrador, and that Snuggles is becoming happier by the minute, as evidenced by her tail.  By the way, in case I failed to mention it before, when Snuggles is happy, stay away from her tail.  In my household, we refer to Snuggles' tail as The Single Most Destructive Force on Earth.  In fact, the happier Snuggles becomes the more deadly her tail.  Do Not Test This At Home!  I am a trained professional; you are a person with a dull life.  Don't confuse them, though they are often one and the same.

If you find that Snuggles' tail is out of control, pause your game play and have Claude play the scene that shows Old Yeller dying. This should have a soothing, if somewhat depressing effect on Snuggles, which, in turn, will calm her tail.  Then give Snuggles a beer in which to drown her sorrows--you and Claude should have one too.  Snuggles hates to drink alone.  Repeat these game steps, beginning with the any brand shampoo application thru the Old Yeller death scene, as needed.

Following each lathering, give Snuggles a beer.  Give Claude a beer.  Open a beer of your own and toast the memory of Old Yeller.  Everyone, bottoms up the beer.  Now it's time to rinsch Snuggles.  Open shix bottles of beer and use them to rinse the soap off her.  After all, everyone knows beer is good for hair, so why wouldn't it be good for a 95-pound Labrador’s coat?

Turn on the fauchet and rinsch the beer out of Snuggles' coat.  At this time, you and Claude must each grap one end of the Texas-sized trowel and prepare to dry the 95-pound Labrador named Schnuggles.  As you wait for Schnubbles to skagger from the beth tub, have a beer!  Give Schnubbles a beer and, after see finishes it, call her to come to you.  As schee schtaggers in your direction, you and your large and extremely mushcular asshistant named Claude must cache her in the trowel and attempt to wrap it 'round her to dry her off.

After Schnubbles is dry, you and that Claude guy should grab that giant-economy-sized firsch aid kit, bandidge yer tail wounds, and all three of you should once again toast the mammary of Ole Yella.