"Hey Guys. Watch This!"

WC 588

“Hey Guys! Watch This!”

By Jack Rawlins

Everybody agreed: Tookie Swartz was an obnoxious braggart. But damn his ornery hide, he backed up his big mouth with action.

He was a disgusting "More guts than brains, "character: rough, tough and capable. And he was no fun to be around. We all feared him, tried to avoid him--as much as you can avoid anyone in a small high school. The problem was, the more we avoided him, the more aggressive he became. His favorite expression was "Hey guys! Watch this!"

He was up to every challenge but nobody dared challenge him. Since he had no challengers, he was very creative. He challenged things...did stupid dare devil stunts. Whatever he did, he recounted his success in excruciating detail.


I wasn't the only one who wanted to see Tookie Schwartz fail at something...anything. He just never did-- until we visited Pocomoke Hog Farm in Spivey Corners, NC.

Large scale hog producers are often the target of nuisance suits, special zoning laws, and animal rights groups. They do their best to be good neighbors, but it's tough. Pig poo is a major phew. That's why the senior class at our school is always invited to visit Pocomoke Farms. (While other schools went to Washington DC, for class trips, we went to hog farms.)

The management at Pocomoke did an excellent job. They explained not only the opportunities of hog production, but also the occupational hazards of working with large animals and heavy farm equipment. The highlight of the tour included the liquid manure handling system.

As he guided us along the boardwalk that lined two-hundred feet of a murky lagoon, the manager explained the system's operation: Manure from each building dropped through slatted floors into a pit. The pit was flushed out with recycled water and exited as a slurry that flowed by gravity through a sloping pipe into the lagoon.

As the manager was explaining the sophisticated equipment used to transfer the lagoon's goodies to the farm's irrigation system, he joked about the hazard of falling in. That was the trigger Swartz needed for an opportunity to show off.

"Hey guys! Watch this!" he yelled as he jumped to the top of the wooden guard rail that kept us out of the lagoon.


Everyone gasped as Schwartz scampered nimbly toward the end of the boardwalk 100 feet away. Just as he reached the point where the main pipe that carries waste from the houses dumps into the lagoon, the rail snapped. Swartz did a complete flip, dropped five feet, landed on his butt atop the pipe and slithered into the lagoon. As he splashed into the liquid he was hit in the back of his head with a fecal tsunami that pushed him face down into the reeking reservoir.

While his classmates cheered Swartz struggled to his feet and clawed, slipped and slithered his way to shore where the farm manager hauled him out on the bank.

The manager's shoulders shook as he fought to keep his composure while he led Swartz off to be hosed down. With the worst of the gunk rinsed off, he was taken to the employee's locker room. There he showered and was presented with a clean suit of coveralls.

The logo on the coveralls said: "Hogs Are Beautiful --and Tasty!"

Charlie Swartz's injuries to his butt were minor: The injuries to his ego were major. And that was the last time anyone ever heard him say, "Hey guys! Watch this!"

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