The Devils Roller Coaster

The Devil’s Roller Coaster
Lots of things used to scare me, food, old people, open spaces, kittens, heights, and at least one ex boyfriend. In the last decade my world had become very small thanks to said fears and one very douchey eternally jobless boy friend. I was locked in my bathroom one night while the dirty scrotum B.F. was expressing him self in a smashy kind of way that I had a moment of clarity. One I was hungry, two it was time to dump the mother fucker and I was tired of being scared of… everything. So I left the douche, ate a few burgers and bought a kitty named Bill. Now several years down the road I’ve made a lot of strides thanks to therapy, pot and a few good friends, especially my friend Courtney. Courtney can talk me into just about anything. I own a pair of five inch stilettos thanks to that girl. I walk like a drunken trucker on mushrooms when I’m in them but it makes her happy to see me wear them. A sick and twisted happy. She’s that kind of girl. This doesn’t explain why I decided that I should take my first roller coaster ride stone cold sober but that’s exactly what I did. The original plan had been to check out the haunted houses at the PNE Fright Night but went slightly off script as it often does when I go out with Courtney.

We enter the candy floss scented park soaked and a little sore from the over zealous strip search by the ominous black clad gate security. There is a lot of suspicion about my diet Dr.Pepper, not to mention the dynamite strapped to my body… It’s pissing dead puppies but there are no crowds to hold up the haunted house tours. Before we enter our first house my friend points out the Corkscrew roller coaster “Think you might tackle that?” She asks lightly but I say “Hell no!” and shove her in front of the first ghoul we encounter. Now it may have been the mini doughnuts or the adrenaline high but after we “escape” from the horrors of the Haunted Mansion I decide that yes a roller coaster ride would be fun so we head to the “Corkscrew”. As the harness is locked in place I realize my ass is wet, possibly with some one else’s urine/fecal over flow. I grip the hand holds with all my strength as the coaster begins its long climb. I am able to keep my eyes open for the first seven seconds but after that I’m too busy screaming to God and the Great Pumpkin to let me live as I am spun upside with vomit inducing speed. Through the grace of the Great Pumpkin I live but some thing unexpected has happened, my heart is still in arrhythmia and I want to go for another spin on the death machine. We eat more of those cinnamony sugar crack doughnuts and I decide that terror should be tasted once more.

There’s nothing like being twenty feet in the air strapped into a bucket, upside down and at the mercy of a bored seventeen year old in charge of the controls to get your mind on those deeper life questions. Will the stains come out? Why do I want to do this like eight more times? Why didn’t any one tell me roller coasters were so awesome? What if that Goth chick in the booth decides death is inevitable and releases our restraints to watch us plunge to our deaths while she slowly chews some nice caramel corn? Then my mind wonders to the long gone shit smear ex. Look at me now fucker, look at me now I shout as we take the final plunge laughing all the way.