Legal Troubles

“So, a guy walks into a crowded bar and shouts ‘all lawyers are assholes!’ A guy in the back stands up and shouts; ’screw you buddy’, the first guy shouts back ‘you a lawyer?', the other guy says; ‘no, I’m an asshole’”. Nibu looked around for signs of amusement from the round table, no one laughed.

“Tough crowd”; he said to no one in particular.

“How many lawyer jokes are there? All of you, HA! Seriously you guys, the jokes had to have some kind of antipathy behind them. Did you think they were all just teasing terms of endearment? People really do hate you, regardless of whether you choose to accept it.”

“Barristers, solicitors, attorneys, Esquire, all the fancy terms in the world do very little to hide the fact that you are and always have been parasites. Now that human progress has become autonomous, you all are nothing more than an anachronism. Everyone knows your ultimate goal was to obtain that almighty pinnacle; immeasurable wealth. Now that you have it, what do you wish to whine to me about, as if I could do anything to help you?”

A distinguished gentleman in an expensive suit spoke up; “If I may presume to speak for my colleagues?” He looked around the table to a dance of assenting nods.

The rotund man rose from his ergonomic chair and elocuted in the warmest, most diplomatic tones, “We take a great deal of umbrage with your nonchalant dismissal of our efficaciousness. Since civilization was conceived, attorneys have assisted people in thousands of ways. Civil, criminal, probate, real estate, tax and corporate law interpretation and application have been tantamount in the formation and support of the very fabric of civilization.” The man strode away from the table and clasped his hands together in front of his massive belly.

“We have pride sir. I am aware of the fact that your civilization does not recognize the existence of pride, but as you have so eloquently stated, your lack of acceptance does not alter the fact that it exists.”

“Hold on a minute there, Mr. shyster, we know pride exists, it's just not important, unless of course you are a lion. Carry on.”

“Oh, excuse my blooper, a lion will not eat carrion, they require a fresh kill, lawyers and lions have that in common so you should have pride, or at least prides for hunting.”

Alfred Jennings, the lawyers' lawyer was about to object to Nibu’s offhand insult, but thought better of it . He had not yet gotten used to being on the other side of the power hierarchy.

“Thank you for the biology lesson. As I was attempting to illustrate, the legal community would like to respectfully request for you to refrain from belittling us to anyone within electronic earshot. We have done nothing to warrant your antagonism, we respect and actually foster the sacredness of life.”

“Come on, lighten up you guys, why bother living if you can’t have fun. Even if it is at your own expense, I’ll personally assure you that your expense accounts will never get overdrawn.” Nibu shot up from his seat and mimed a golf swing. “Country clubs, caviar, limos, whatever you want, the hits will just keep on coming, isn’t that what it’s all about Alfie?”

“No sir. It’s about respect, and contrary to all of your high flown rhetoric regarding respect, you display none of it yourself.”

“Au contraire mon ami. As a living, breathing creature I bequeath you all the respect in the world. The way things have changed just eliminates the synthesized need for what you refer to as legal guidance. My respect has freed you from that frivolous folly and enabled you to pursue a myriad of productive endeavors. I respect your true self, go be it.”

“Who are you to judge what my ’true self’ is?”

“Judge?  I believe that is another legal term. Subjective judgment of others simply does not exist in a rational mind. Why is it so difficult for you to grasp the concept? If you lawyers are so sharp, why are you usually shaped like bowling balls? Hey, there was an original, and look, there’s someone actually laughing.” He pointed his extraordinarily long digit at a small fat man.

The laughing lawyer got up and said; “I am laughing at how ludicrous this whole sideshow is. This meeting is pointless, and I for one cannot sit here any longer while you toy with us. I’m leaving now and suggest that the rest of you do the same.” He got up and headed for the door. A third of the collection of attorneys followed him out.

“Real estate law. Tell me this, what would render an estate unreal? Could it be that the very law you guys create underwrites said estates manifestation within reality? I don’t think so. Consider the idea of probate, dividing up someone’s stuff after they are dead. Good thing you folks only die once or you would have to have reprobate court, that wouldn’t be pretty at all.”

With that about half of the remaining solicitors left the room.

“Wait! There’s more. If you call right now, we’ll throw in a tax attorney for only a fraction of your soul.”

Nibu sat back at the table, put his face in his hands and said;”Oy, I’ve got to come up with a new shtick, I think I’m losing this crowd.” Slowly he took one hand away then leaned his oversized head into the other hand and perused the twelve remaining attorneys. “So guys, what did you really want from me?”

Clarence Harvey stood up and said to Mr. Jennings; “allow me.” Mr. Jennings welcomed him to take the torch; “by all means, Mr. Harvey.”

“You and your raiding party have usurped the significance of a once honored vocation. As in any field, there have been unscrupulous practitioners in the legal profession, but your blanket indictment of us all is criminal. The benefits you have bestowed upon our species is immeasurable, and the people of Earth have acknowledged, embraced and been greatly enhanced by them. You claim that mankind has become more autonomous, that Homo sapiens are now untethered by the bonds that once enslaved us. In many ways this is true, but our species must have structure.”

“Since the day you took over there has been no respect for authority, no respect for property rights, we have entered an era of complete lawlessness.”

Nibu smiled. “You say that as if it were a bad thing.”

“It is a bad thing. What you fail to understand is that we are simple creatures. You can grant us immortality, riches and freedoms that are unprecedented in human history but all of these things will not address the fundamental core of the human condition; the need for order.”

“Okay then, I’ll have a cheeseburger with a side of fries. Are you happy now?”

Clarence Harvey released an exasperated sigh that could be felt throughout the room. “Isn’t there an adult mind we could speak to?”

“Oh, you don’t want me to call my dad. He has nowhere near the patience I do. Please continue, I find your collective soliloquies extremely amusing.”

Clarence was accustomed to flippant adversaries. In the courtroom, he had thwarted numerous opponents who employed this juvenile tactic. Usually the best course of action was to ignore their insolence as it would most likely devour itself in its own negativity. He proceeded as if the alien had never interjected.

“It may have come as a surprise to you that there are millions of people who still recognize the law of the land. We have assembled a contingency that is currently in the process of legally displacing the anarchy your invasion has foisted upon us. It is our position that we have an inalienable right to foster our own societal development without the imperialistic interference of your “realm” and all of the usurpation of self government that comes with it. Today we are serving you with a notice of eviction.”

With that statement Clarence Harvey pulled a massive tome out of his briefcase and laid it in front of Nibu. The alien picked it up and perused it quickly, chuckled, got up and spread his arms.

“Sue me, sue me, what can you do me, I love you.” Nibu looked around the room to a collection of bewildered stares.

“Nathan Detroit? Guys and Dolls? C’mon, you guys gotta get out a little more often. Alrighty then, let’s go to court. I think we can retrofit one of the museums to facilitate this comedy. I look forward to it. When does the show start?”
~
In the two months since the arrival, the court system had virtually dissolved. Civility had been reinstated rendering ‘civil suits’ obsolete. Criminals were either rehabilitated or shipped off to worlds where they could hobnob with their own ilk. Since almost all litigation centered on capital and the need for it, lawsuits had become an anachronism. The few remaining disputes could be handled privately, the character of mankind in general had improved with the elimination of the negative influence of poverty, war, oppression and violence. Courts were for basketball or tennis and little else.

The United States Supreme Court was an historic monument. Thousand of people visited it daily to visit the poignant memorial to how people lived before the change. To most it was now amusing at the just how serious that former society took their disputes. Even though it had been just a short time, the silliness of it all seemed to have been abandoned eons ago. 

Hundreds of attorneys gathered in the gallery to witness the landmark case. Alfred Jennings started the proceedings eloquently stating the people’s case for the eviction of the aliens along with their ‘occupation’. Within his oratory were many historical references to imperialism and colonization. He called upon the good people of planet Earth to band together to resist the subjugation of their species imposed by the marauding armada of alien intervention. When he was satisfied he had made a very compelling case for human independence he returned to his table to stare at the solitary figure of Nibu sitting across the aisle.

Nibu clapped his hands;” bravo, a very impassioned and insightful articulation. I am compelled to jump aboard my starship and head off into the wild black yonder, after all, who wants to be where they aren’t wanted? We should just gather up our stuff and return you to your regularly scheduled program.”

“However….”

“The latest poll indicated that 91% of the inhabitants of this rock are in favor of our 'occupation', 6% are not and the other 3% remain undecided. Though it seems unnecessary, in the spirit of a good court fight I thought it would be fitting and proper to rebuke Mr. Jennings fine oratory with a little history lesson.”

“Our kind has been around a long time. There was another race of beings, the Ghir, who preceded us. Millions of years ago, the Ghir planted the seeds in hundreds of thousands of worlds that would evolve into sentient life.  Our particular race evolved much more rapidly than all the others. The Ghir were still nurturing this vicinity when we reached maturity.”

“They mentored us in many ways, then returned to their own galaxy, trillions of light years beyond our visible universe. This galaxy and a few dozen others in proximity were entrusted to our care. For eons we have been flitting about these few galaxies ensuring that life flourishes.”

“Your particular world has had a retarded development, which has been somewhat of a disappointment for those of us who love to cultivate the planets. This is quite a shame because there is so much potential here, so I took it upon myself to personally focus on planet Earth to be fostered into the realm. We all knew that it would be more difficult than most transitions but finally my brethren appeased me before it became too late to save you from yourselves. My belief is that we are a couple thousand years overdue. I campaigned for intervention a couple thousand years ago, after all our prophet mentoring, but my peeps would have none of it. After the dark ages, the inquisition, the plague, a couple world wars, nuclear proliferation, HIV, global warming and Dick Cheney, they finally came around. The time had arrived to stop the bleeding.”

“There are thousands of other places we can be of service. My colleagues and I would gladly pull up stakes and move along if that’s what you want, but I think you need a little more training regarding the powerful tools at your disposal. I think it would be prudent if we hung around a little longer, but ultimately, it’s up to y’all.”

“Just to let you know, if the prospect of an ‘untouched by alien’ world appeals to you, we have set up a new terraformation called “Classic Earth”, and it's open for business. It’s a clone of this world, sans pollution and disease, where you can have the security of a world run by lawyers and corporations, just like the good old days. Transport starts in 6 hours. Bon voyage.” In a blink, he was gone.

Later that day a poll was released. The alien approval rate actually rose 2%. Approximately 71,000 people migrated from Earth to ‘Classic’ in the next few days, but over 400,000 requests were received from the outworlds. For a limited time, transportation would be provided for those immigrants approved by Classic, but all other functions would be solely administered by the new residents of that world.

Classic had a gigantic head start on the other outworlds. The residents took many of the practicable new technologies with them, life would be easier and more comfortable than it had been on Earth before the aliens. It was certain that these technologies would be withheld at varying degrees from the have-nots that would be immigrating from the outworlds. This would create the disparity needed for a thriving marketplace, a disparity that also excluded Classic from LISTENing and therefore inclusion into the realm, for life is not sacred without liberty.

Back on Earth there was the type of relief one feels after releasing flatulence. The last of the moguls, entrepreneurs, tycoons, sharks and business leaders had finally been expelled.

The man in the moon seemed to smile as the skies of Earth seemed a little clearer, the oceans a little bluer and the foliage a little greener.