Like a One-Armed Paper Hanger

Wallpapering bathrooms is best left to professionals.  I learned this, as I have learned other great truisms in life, the hard way.  I wallpapered my bathroom today.

The first lesson I learned is that if you are applying wallpaper with a white background, the wall behind it should also be white.  My walls were dark gray, nearly black.  I didn’t paint or prime them.  I was working under the delusion that the special sizing (for badly damaged walls) would take care of that little detail.  It said right on the can: no need to paint or prime.  The reality was that it is a clear sealer resulting in shiny dark gray, nearly black walls.

The second lesson was that the helpful online tutorial I so carefully studied that told me there should be no overlap between sheets of wallpaper was wrong.  The only way that I could get the pattern to line up correctly was with a 1 ½ inch overlap.  This created two problems.  The most egregious was that two layers of wallpaper are more effective in hiding the dark walls than a single layer.  Thus, each overlap stands out starkly, giving the effect of stripes.  The second problem was that the wallpaper sticks to the walls much better than it sticks to wallpaper.  Rather than a seamless expanse around the room, each edge is apparent.

The tutorial advised that an implement called a “razor knife” should be used to cut the wallpaper.  I have no idea what that is.  I have a box cutter.  It uses a razor as a cutting edge.  Same thing, right?  Apparently not.  Whereas the box cutter readily sliced through dry wallpaper, it had little or no effect on wet wallpaper.  It either did not penetrate it at all or, by dint of sawing away, left the wallpaper looking like it had been chewed.  Trimming the excess wallpaper along the ceiling on the top and the tile at the bottom became an exercise in futility.

My troubles with trimming were compounded by the fact that I have a congenital inability to draw or cut in a straight line.  Using a putty knife, or in my case a scraper, to guide the box cutter along the edges resulted in a series of jagged cuts.  It appears that I am also unable to hold a tool in a straight line.

A separate tutorial devoted to the fine art of wallpapering bathrooms recommended that switchplates and lighting fixtures be removed prior to starting the project.  The switchplate I didn’t have to worry about.  It is located on the tile portion of the wall.  The light fixture over the sink was problematical.

When I moved into my house, I wanted to replace the ugly light fixture in the bathroom, but when I tried removing it, I discovered that the wiring for it was so old that it was very possibly installed by Mr. Edison himself. Therefore, having been raised by an electrical engineer, I was hesitant to remove the fixture and expose the cloth covered wires to moisture.  I also did not remove the collar around the showerhead because I have already spent a small fortune having the plumbing repaired and replaced in the bathroom and kitchen.  I didn’t want to risk an accident resulting another astronomical bill.  Completing the trifecta, I had no idea how to remove the shower rod.

If I thought that cutting wet wallpaper in a straight line was nearly impossible, cutting, or in this case, shredding in a circle around round objects was indeed impossible.  It was at this point that I got out a pair of scissors.  I will leave the result to your imagination.

Despite obvious seams and ragged edges, my bathroom looks better than it did.  The original wallpaper was grayish with tiny blue flowers.  I have replaced it with a small blue print on a white background.  The room has gone from dark and dingy to bright and almost cheerful.

I do have to admit that the new shirred shower curtain makes it look like a bordello.