A spot of gray

From the audio log conversations of Dr. Carl Dugoan




January 26, 2006
Day 1

"Do you see why I ask you keep the lights off Doc?"

"Is it because you're afraid of your shadow?"

"Partly, Doc. "

"Are you afraid that your shadow can attack you? Or move strangely?"

"Doc, have you ever stared at your shadow long enough? Have you ever stared at any shadow long enough? They seem like nothing, really. Just plain imitations of the shapes in which blocks the light. But that is everything! And even more frightening...nothing at all."

"I'm sorry, I don't quite understand. Does your er.. shadow move involounatarily?"

"No that's not it! Let me ask you Doc: What do you think a shadow is?"

"Just like you said it was, nothing more than just the product of an object blocking light right?"

"Exactly! Can you not fathom that statement? Can you not see?"

"No I'm still confused sorry."

"Most people are afraid of darkness, the dark so as to speak. But they do not understand! It is not the dark they should fear, but the shadows that linger after the light has been cast!"

"Hmm?"

"Even darkness has a limit, there is some light always shining in the universe that can reach us. Some brilliant star light years away giving us a beacon of sanity within the darkness in our lives. But a shadow....it is the absolute absence of light."

"But there are many darker things than shadows. Even the dark of a room is darker than a shadow. The light too contradicts what you're saying. For there is light everywhere then."

"No Doc. In every core of a shadow, no matter how small, minute there is a dark void in which light itself is absent. A spot of gray."

(silence)

"Did you know that there is a phenomenon in space called a dark hole? A body of space with such strong gravity that light itself cannot escape?"

"Hold on a minute, are you seriously telling me that you think that a shadow is a dark hole?"

"No Doc, that would mean I'm crazy right? And only crazy people talk to their therapists."

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I must keep track of patient K. He is suffering from a delusion which I fear is a manifestation of the side effects of his anti-social behavior. Due to his anti-social behavior I can hypothesize that during the prolonged times of his seclusion with humanity, he has begun to fear his own shadow. Also taking note, K has not suffered from any documented mental illness prior to his visit.





Feburary 9, 2006
Day 2

"How are you holding up? You look a bit tired. Are you having trouble sleeping?"

"Sort of Doc. Its just that I've realized more since our last visit."

"Whats that?"

"That the shadows in this world are nothing to be afraid of."

"Oh really? Thats amazing! Looks like you did my job for me. I'm going to prescribe something for your sleeping-"

"The thing to fear is the shadow in our minds."

"What?"

"Every day and night we close our eyes. We close our eyes at night to sleep and we close our eyes almost every second to blink."

"Ok. What seems to be the matter?"

"Darkness is the absence of light, right Doc?"

"I think so. I'm no physics major or anything so I can say for sure."

"Well...everytime we close our eyes do we not see darkness?"

"I think I get what you're saying. But isn't this a bit absurd? When we blink next to a source of good light, we still see remnants of that light don't we?"

"Remnants. Remains. Light trapped in our senses and dying." 

"Light isn't a thing K, it's energy."

"Matter is a form of energy right Doc? Do we not convert matter to energy? Can we not do the same here? Or to make things much easier, can we not say that energy is matter?"

"No. For matter is made of solid units of atoms and subatomic particles. Light and energy aren't made of that."

"Well what about fire? It moves, it can be controlled. It looks almost as solid as what you think of matter."

"Enough already, tell me what is it that seems to be troubling you then?"

"I fear that the light is dying in my eyes. Light leaving a shadow of before it dies."

"This has been intefering with your sleep?

"Doc.... I haven't slept since our last appointment."

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I fear for this patient's health, mentally and phyiscally. His mental illness is now severely effecting his phyiscal well-being. This phobia of shadows needs to be treated and quick. Still though, if I can believe his statement of not sleeping (he really does look the part) I can give him the strongest sedatives in the world and if his fear is strong enough, he would still not take him. I fear I may have to recommend the fellow to an asylum.




Feburary 11
Phone Log

"Doc! You've gotta help me.."

"What's the problem?"

"I...I'm  falling asleep. I can't hold it any longer. "

"Don't force yourself. You must sleep, your body is within it's limits."

"I can't. I don't want to. The shadows...."

"What about the shadows?"

"It's much worse than I thought Doc..."

"What is it?"

"They..."

"Speak up K. I can barely hear you."

"They..."

"Yes?"

"They have voices! And they're laughing at me!"

"What?"

"I just want the quiet again...but I'm so sleepy....their voices get louder when I close my eyes...."

"Hang on, I'm going to come over and check if you're all right..."

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Markesville Daily Newspaper Feb 12

Yesterday at approximately 8:40pm Mr. ----- K-------, a resident of upper Katy Ave. was found dead in his basement. Medical examiners have not yet determined the cause of death.

Sources have said that Mr. K was an eccentric who preferred to keep to himself. Police are currently trying to get hold of family and friends. With question of involvment of fowl play the sheriff answered," It's still too early to tell, but I am quite certain man died as he lived. Alone."

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Excerpt from Markesville County Police Report
Feburary 28


Note found on Dr. Carl Dugoan's corpse

"They cannot see, the blind fools..There is darkness everywhere, but it is in shadow for which hell itself is hidden. Its like a pit so dark that even nothing...this feeling of nothing..No thought, no sound, no light.. dark so dense that my mind and my body feels like nothing. I cannot live in this world of dark any longer... This dark that is absolute that nothing here can possibly exist...

But there must be, for who is laughing?"