LIBERALS

    Ancient liberals caused that whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing.  That is when their destructive natures first gained notice.  It’s been nothing but trouble ever since.  They’re always trying to fix everything.  Now they want to reduce pollution, and that could cost money.  They say it’s for the environment.  The environment is annoying.  They also want to save all the animals.  The only endangered species I care about is my money.  Money doesn’t grow on trees.  It takes hard work, dedication, and smoke.  It’s going to take a lot of smoke to fix this mess. 

    They created a space program and flew all over the place, but found no oil.  We waste money on science when we already know everything.  Stop the nonsense.  People had no rights for centuries and look how good it went.  My daddy whipped me with a fence post up side my head, and look how I turned out.  If they’d just cut taxes we could easily achieve world peace.  Lower taxes would also defeat global poverty and eliminate AIDS.  The world could be perfect if these bleeding hearts would just go away.

    Alternative energy will never work.  They just don’t want us to drill our own oil.  There are rivers of oil in Alaska.  You can dip it up with a bucket, but the liberal environmentalists won’t let them do it.  They say it would disturb the polar bears.  I hate polar bears.  Protecting them is just plain socialism. 

    Unions are annoying.  They are always whining about their pay and they want health insurance and safe working conditions.  We had no unions for centuries and look how good it went.  People in some countries work for $11 a month, and they’re glad to get it, and they don’t want any health care.  Americans have grown soft.  Whiners don’t make record profits.  If workers had health care they would live longer, but they wouldn’t have much money, and could never enjoy themselves.  Healthcare for everyone is an unnecessary expense that is not conducive to record profits.  Only a communist, socialist, terroristist, atheistist, liberal would want healthcare for everyone.

    Joe the plumber tried to tell them.  They are going to take our guns and our money.  When we are broke and have no way to defend ourselves, they will turn us all atheist.  The liberals will completely take over after that, and the socialists will soon follow.  Florida will be sold to the terrorists to pay the deficit.  Nobody will go to work and there will be no profits, because everyone will be playing video games.  God fearing billionaires will have to mow their own yards and drive their own cars.  Foreclosed yachts will sit abandoned and forgotten at their docks.  It is a vision that must be stopped. 

    Luckily, Sarah Palin is amassing an offense as we speak.  Moving with urgent haste, she answers this call to greatness, for it is the future of mankind that is at stake.  This warrior contemplates in the utter silence of her own humility, and speaks with the awesome power of unadulterated truth.  Like a starving hunter close on the trail of a wounded moose, she stalks the office of the Presidency, in the hopes that the sun will someday rise on a world full of oil and free of taxes.  She will not rest until everyone is straight, but abstinent.  She will sell Air Force One on eBay and she will put a stop to stem cell research, finally and forever.  She will turn off all unnecessary lights and electronic devices in the Whitehouse.  She will ban global warming.  She will allow a fully automatic weapon in every home, along with an FBI wiretap.  Freedom for everyone just like Sarah Palin will abound, and be strictly enforced.  Last but not least, she will mow down those terrorists like a herd of caribou running through deep snow and against the wind.  Destiny is moving in our direction.  A liberal free utopia is now assured.   

    To summarize, money is the most important thing in the world.  Workers had no healthcare when the pyramids were built.  They just did their jobs and didn’t whine.  What is this world coming too?  You can’t make any money with whining laborers who go to the doctor when they are sick and live in homes.  Laborers must be lean, mean, and hungry.  They must not get soft with luxuries like transportation, food, and medical care.  Record profits don’t grow on trees, so we don’t need no stinking trees.  These liberal maggots have gone too far this time.  Sorry, but I’m just too upset to write any more.