The Bridge

“Daddy, I hope you remember you have to pick me up from my house today. Mom told me to remind you. Please don’t forget, daddy. I love you.”

I heard my son’s voice echo from the answering machine. I smiled as I imagined him excited about my arrival. I looked around the empty room and my eyes wandered, till I reached a corner where several gifts were kept. I hoped they were enough.

I sat in my car, ready to make my long journey. As I buckled up, I thought again about Ali’s message. It was very sweet of Zoha to remind me. I had thought that after our divorce she would have him turn against me, telling him false things about me. I was wrong, and I’m glad I was. Ali’s the most important person in my life- only person I truly value and truly love. By losing him, I would lose the meaning to my life. I would be like a perfume without its essence. I wanted my son to live the life that I never did. I wanted him to understand the importance of love and express it, something I was never good at…

“Salman, what is wrong with you? Why have you changed so much? What have I done to deserve this? Please, just answer my questions today!” Zoha yelled at me.

“Stop this drama, Zoha. I’m not in the mood to fight! Okay? I haven’t changed in any way,” I spoke calmly.

“Yes, you have! Ask me! You used to love me before we got married, Salman, and now you don’t even care. Every time I want to talk to you, you’re never in the mood,” she said.

“I can’t be romantic all the time! I was young then and now I’ve got responsibilities. You always find a reason to fight!”

“I’m begging you for just five minutes of your life, Salman. I thought after our baby together, we’d share moments that would get us closer than ever. So, I waited. But Ali’s five now, and nothings got better! My heart has grown old waiting to see some emotion on your blank face. I’m exhausted now.”

“Well, then leave me!” I had said out of frustration.

And she had left. How foolish I was to think that words don’t matter. How foolish I was to think that she’d know I loved her when I never showed it. Words had glued themselves to my throat and had refused to come out. So, I was left alone because I wasn’t ready to accept I was wrong. The court custody said that Ali would live with his mother and I could meet him once a month and take him home for a weekend. However, this also became limited as Ali and Zoha lived an entire city away, and the journey was so long that I hardly got the time to make it and ended up, meeting Ali once in two months.

A car honked from behind, and I realized I had been day dreaming. I started the engine again and sped on the clean road reaching Kingston Bridge, the bridge I had to cross every time I traveled to meet Ali. Stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge, I looked at the car on my left side and saw a couple. The woman was carrying a baby and the man kept looking at both of them time and time again, just to share a smile. I could see the pride in his eyes, the pride to be part of a beautiful family. I wondered if they were even holding hands. The man saw me looking and I nodded at him. I respected this stranger, never afraid of showing love or giving too much. Had I ever shown love or had I always been a cold stone?

“Happy anniversary, darling,” zoha whispered in my ear.

“Oh…it’s the 24th?” I asked her, ashamed that I had forgotten.

“Yes, it’s our third year together. It’s okay if you forgot. At least one of us remembered,” she smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek.

I could never comprehend how she could smile when she was hurt inside. She really was one of the strongest people I knew. That evening, she cooked me my favorite dish, steak with a side line of French fries, and wrote me a love poem like she always did. After dinner, she put on some light music and asked me for a dance.

“I’m really not in the mood. I’m so full with dinner, I want to go to bed now,” I told her as I released her curled fingers from mine.

I banged my head on the steering wheel as tears started to well up in my eyes. Her sad, forceful smile and pleading, soft eyes now revolved in my head. Had I been blind? It wasn’t that I had stopped loving my wife, but I had forgotten how to convey my feelings. I had started to think love was only for youngsters. It would be dumb and silly to tell her I love her. I had forgotten how much these three words meant to her. They would make her eyes shine and her cheeks turn red, as she felt like the most beautiful girl on this planet. Now I wept as my own conscience killed me. I wiped my eyes as I finally reached my destination.

Ali came running to me and I swung him in my arms as he squealed in delight. I stood there listening to him blabber about his birthday and all the gifts he had got. All the while, my eyes searched for zoha. I found her standing cross-armed at the doorway smiling at Ali in admiration.

“He really is an adorable kid, isn’t he?” I asked her seeking reassurance.

“Yes, he’s a gem of a person. Extremely loving,” she said and our eyes met. She looked away, “he really misses you.”

“And you?” I asked eagerly, hoping for a positive answer.

Zoha opened and closed her mouth, deciding against speaking. “You’re getting late, Salman. Have fun, Goodbye.”

That week I spent sharing deep moments with Ali. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes I had made before. He was so shrewd. I saw zoha shine in him, all the basic good things she had taught him, making sure not to leak too much information but to let him experience himself. I was embarrassed that I had played no role in making him the person he was today. The more time I spent with him, the more I missed Zoha. I laughed at my foolishness as I had had so many opportunities to make up which I had simply missed.

I had made a decision. I had to change myself in order to feel complete. I needed the biggest pieces to complete the puzzle of my heart, my wife and my son. Every night I wrote letters for Zoha for each anniversary or birthday I had missed or forgotten, telling her exactly how lucky i was to have her. I got her fresh roses for every day I had lived without her. I gave them to Ali to take home with him.

I expected her to be standing outside every time I went to pick up Ali, only to find the doorway empty. Weeks turned into months and I’d nearly given up hope when I finally saw her. She had lost a lot of weight and her eyes looked pale and weary. I nodded at her and took Ali by the hand, who started to whine about how he hated to leave and why couldn't i just stay?

“I can’t stay Ali. Not unless Mommy wants me to. That’s because I’ve been a very bad man. I’ve made too many mistakes, son. The more I tried to grip time, the more it slipped from my hand like sand. Now the clock has ticked away. It’s your wish if you want to come,” I told him as he wailed that he wanted both of us.

“Stop telling him false things, Salman! It’s never too late. Believe it or not, you made me realize that,” Zoha sobbed, “will you come inside?”

Zoha’s invitation made my knees so weak that I dropped down and hugged her waist. She lifted my head and kissed my forehead.

“I’m tired of this distance between us and you so far away. I can see the change in you and i can finally feel your love for me. I don’t want you to have to cross the bridge any more,” she told me.

I gazed into her eyes and held her hand, “I’ve crossed it. Let’s break it down.”