A Quiet Challenge

A quiet challenge

There was a common agreement between me and Judah. It was never outwardly spoken to the world around us; It was one of those things we just kind of kept to ourselves, understood it, and completely ignored it whenever we were anything but alone. Sure, we talked about it amongst ourselves when no one else was around, but aside from that, it was never born to the world; and it was my fault that things were the way they were. I had everything to do with every complication.
******
“So, I mean, I don’t know. Things just.. didn’t work out like I’d hoped. You know how that goes. Oh wow, she’s pretty,” he said as he popped another fry into his mouth and nodded towards a dark haired girl walking by. I watched her as she repeatedly glanced from her phone to the path in front of her. She seemed to blend in perfectly with the scenery that surrounded her. We were on the main street of a very high end shopping center, sitting at an outdoor restaurant. Behind her was the scenery of a Hollywood movie; the other side of the street. I could see the cocky ‘Ambercrombee’ sign attracting every teenager around to come and buy their over-priced and unhealthily thin ‘clothing’ items that their parents hated buying them. “A little too consumed in technology though apparently,” he added in. I smirked.
******
When I first met Judah, I was completely intrigued by him. He was definitely an individual, very stubborn in his own beliefs, but not one of those people who made everyone else around him feel like dirt if they didn’t agree. He was artistic and had this appreciation for everything that would be rejected by popular culture, simply because someone had to respect it, even if the world refused to tag it as “good enough.” He didn’t hide his differences from the people he encountered and gladly took on any criticism that punk kids tried to push in his face. I respected him for that, because I felt like if anyone had ever tried to question my opinions on things so insignificant as music and movies, I would be pretty offended by their pettiness.
But needless to say, that same aspect of him that I greatly respected scared me too. I was nothing like that in any sense at all. Well, except for my beliefs in God, I suppose, but even when those were contradicted I sometimes said things that made me a smaller person. I didn’t have a high confidence level, and I didn’t know how to accept it when others thought lesser of me. I worried about what people thought of my appearance and my words and my grades and my humor and my sensitivity and too many more things that somehow, I eventually grew out of; thank God.
******
“She could have just been sending like, one text, you know,” I said in her defense.
“True,” he said, pointing at me with a new fry, “But her hair was also straightened and I’m more into the natural look. Not that she wasn’t pretty, I mean, she looks good with straight hair, obviously. I’m just saying that I like girls who are confident enough to wear their hair natural. Like you.”
Like me, I thought to myself. I used to straighten my hair all of the time. Every day, actually. I’d wake up early just so I had time to touch up on the work I had completed the night before. I couldn’t do it all in the morning before school because my hair was naturally very thick, and very curly, and very large, or ‘volumous’ as most girls would put it. But sometime in the past two years or so, I had discovered that my hair was actually better looking if I just let my curls be. I realized that I had a small head, compared to the rest of my body, and that my ‘volumous’ hair was what made up for it. I was obviously designed right, I found; so I never straightened my hair again.
“’Could’ve also been a one-time thing,” I defended again.
“Could have,” he said, and then that topic was dropped.
******
We met in high school. I was a sophomore when he was a senior with my brother. We talked a little bit then but I was always too shy to get too close to him, for both of the reasons that I was so intimidated by him and that I was afraid of what people might think about my association with him. But then he went to college and during my last two years of high school, I somehow ran into God and He explained to me that my view of the world had been a little bit crooked all of my life. Once He straightened things out, I could finally look in the mirror and be okay with the image that I saw; I could finally listen to what I had to say and block out the voices of my peers, telling me that my opinions weren’t good enough for them. I could finally be an individual, and live for the person God made me to be, and not for who society suggested that I be. It was a great new lifestyle and leveled view of the world that I had gained, and thankfully, I had adjusted into it by the time that Judah reappeared in my life the summer of graduation.
******
A car horn honked in the distance. I glanced up to find Judah studying a fry intently, turning it in his fingers and holding it close to his inquisitive eyes. I smiled to myself and then let out a small laugh, unable to hold it in any longer. His eyes focused past the fry and on me and he smiled before he flicked it in my direction. I flinched and I laughed and he blushed.
******
He had been away at a fancy art school, studying to become something interesting and different. I hadn’t talked to him in two years, but somehow when he came to my 18th birthday get-together to see, not me, but my older brother, I felt like I knew him more than I could honestly say I did. He looked older, wiser, and even more laid back than he had been in high school and he had new interesting topics to rave about that none of my friends were ever broad enough to have ever even been interested in. But somehow, I still felt like I knew him, maybe even better than I had in high school. And with that and my new found confidence, I let myself talk to him, and we got closer than we ever had within a few weeks.
We hung out almost every other day and we would talk on the phone a lot, which my brother didn’t like. We sat around bonfires and discussed life stances and music and culture and people and religion and God and morals. We loved to disagree on something, and it was always a battle to see who could convince who of their personal beliefs first. Sometimes they were serious battles and other times they were filled with cocky smiles and “touché” laughs and then usually once they were over, we’d suddenly crave ice cream and go out to our favorite ice cream parlor to discuss simpler things like the seasons. And eventually, I realized that I needed him.
I realized that I had no one else like him in my small world; that I couldn’t talk to my other friends about the same things that we talked about, that I had a sort of understanding and connection with him that was so individualistic and unique that I wasn’t sure if it was possible I would ever find another. And then, I decided to admit, I liked him. A lot. Too much, even. To the point where I began to stress myself out because it was such an odd feeling to me that I didn’t quite know what to do with it. I had liked boys before, but I had never felt like I needed them.
******
“So, Monica’s been weird lately. Have you noticed that?” I asked with the smile that still lingered across my face.
He furrowed his brow and thought for a minute as he munched on another fry. The couple behind him was arguing as they got up to leave and pushed in their chairs. Something about being somewhere on time and how someone was going to be upset, yet again, and it was all going to be so and so’s fault. I honestly didn’t want to hear any of it, but they were so loud that I couldn’t help but hear every word.
“Someone’s gonna be in trouble,” Judah joked once they were far away enough. I laughed and he picked us up where we had left off. “Yesterday she called me at like, eleven o’clock at night and asked me for Daniels’ number. I totally thought she already had that, but I gave it to her anyway.”
“Yeah, I definitely know she had it, at least at one point, because I remember her texting him a ton that one game night we had at your house.”
“Was that who she was texting? That game night I had like two weeks ago?” he said with a smirk, “She definitely told me it was some guy I didn’t know.”
“Did she now?” I smiled and raised my eyebrows and in lispy voice I said, “Oh my, I think we just figured out what’s going on in her closet.”
“Closets,” he repeated and laughed. God, did I love his laugh. It was so real, when it was just me and him. It was so heartfelt and honest, not the hoaxy I’m-laughing-to-be-polite one that I usually heard when we were around all of our friends at once. With me he knew he didn’t have to pretend about anything. He could laugh, or not, whenever he wanted and not offend me in any way, and I loved it.
“It was bound to happen,” he said shaking his head.
“’You think?”
“Well, I mean,” he said shrugging his shoulders, “That first time they met at that Baseball game he told me he thought she was really cute.”
“Did he? Why didn’t I ever hear of this?” I asked laughing in disbelief.
“Oh, come on, you know I can’t tell you everything the guys tell me. That’s man stuff.”
“’Man stuff,’” I mocked, “’Okay.’”
“She never said anything about him to you?”
“Not that I remember. But I do notice how much more she smiles whenever he’s around. You’re right, I guess. It was bound to happen.”
******
There was one night over the summer that a group of us had gone to see a movie. It was one I had seen a few times prior but I loved it so much I told them all they’d have to see it too. So four of us went and they all loved it like I knew they would. Judah had a few critiques on it but I had expected that out of him. He critiqued every form of media he witnessed.
When we got back to my house my brother started up a bonfire and I sat down in one of the seats around it. My brother scowled at me. I looked to Judah who was noticeably biting the inside of his cheek and staring at the ground. I was obviously not meant to be there, but I didn’t understand why, so I sat around a little longer until my brother told me directly to go to bed. I obeyed immediately and without question and figured that it must have been for the best that I didn’t hear whatever they were going to talk about. That, I figured, or my brother was just fed up with me always being around. Which was understandable. I kind of was.
But then when I was upstairs not ten minutes later, brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, Judah called me on my cell phone, and asked me to come downstairs to talk to him.
******
“Judah!” a little voice squealed from behind my chair. I turned around just in time to see the little blond haired David run past me and into Judah’s waiting open arms.
“David!” Judah exclaimed in his little kid voice. He scooped David up into his lap and gave him a good tickling before asking him what he was doing there. I smiled and watched before little Samuel came up from behind me and jumped into my lap.
“Tiffy!” he squeeked as his smile took him over. I hugged him tight and rocked him back and forth as I kissed the top of his head and ruffled his hair. His mom came after them a little out of breath and holding on to their older sister Jennette’s hand.
“I swear they can spot you two from a mile away,” Mrs. Cullins laughed as she observed her hyper children comfy in our arms.
“We’re shoppin’ for Daddy’s birfday!” David told Judah excitedly.
“Daddy’s birfday?” Judah asked him in that same kid-voice.
“Yeah!” Samuel piped up, “We’re gonna get ‘im a new watch!”
“A new watch?” I asked.
“Yeah!” Samuel exclaimed, turning around so he could face me, “Because I put ‘is udder one in duh water!”
“You did?” I laughed. I looked up to see Judah laughing along with me and David grinning from ear to ear.
“Yeah,” Samuel said, still smiling, but a little more aware, “dat was bad.”
“What happened to it?” Judah asked him. Mrs. Cullins, already smiling, rolled her eyes and waited for one of her children to answer.
“He put it in dah toilet an’ flushed it down! Like, woosh!” David explained, throwing his tiny hands into the air. We all laughed even harder, but Samuel just smiled a little bigger. He was only two but we could all see that he knew he wasn’t supposed to think it was funny, even though he did.
“Did you do that?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he laughed, and we all laughed again as he observed with that same pleased smile.
“Daddy wasn’t happy with that, huh, Sam?” Mrs. Cullins asked.
“No,” Samuel laughed and David cracked up.
“Yeah, he was a little more than unhappy with that one. But we’re getting him a new one today, right boys?”
“Yeah!” they both shouted together.
“Alright, then tell Judah and Tiffany buh-bye, we’ve got to get back to shopping!” she said as enthusiastically as a tired mom can. Samuel turned to me as much as he could and puckered his lips so that I leaned down and received a wet kiss on the cheek. Then he jumped down and scurried over to Judah to say goodbye to him too. Judah had David wrapped in his arms as he tipped him backwards and blew raspberries on his stomach. David howled with laughter and Samuel jumped up and down in excitement yelling, “Me next! Me next!”
So when David was sat down, it was Samuels’ turn, and then they all walked away together, the two boys jumping over every crack and roaring like dinosaurs with every step.
I watched them go, not even thinking about the constant smile that was imprinted across my face, until I finally looked back at Judah who was sitting with his chin rested in one hand, half smiling and with a look in his eye.
“What?” I giggled.
“Did you know that you get this glow to you when you get around kids?” He asked quietly.
“I do?” I asked, still smiling.
         “You do,” he said, smiling bigger, “Your whole face just, lights up, and you look so… happy.”
         I felt myself blush as I looked back at the family that I had been introduced to the thanks to Judah Benjamin Gnail.
         “I can’t possibly look as in-place as you do,” I admitted as Mrs. Cullins pulled little Samuel out of the way of an elderly couple in the distance. “You just fit with them so well… Like, they’re attracted to you like magnets,” I laughed as I looked at him again. He was still in that same position, but his smile had grown and his eyes had softened a little. I couldn’t help but smile bigger too and turn away again.
         “Have you come up with an answer for Gary?” he asked me almost as soon as I had turned away. I thought about it for a split second and then shook my head.
         “I just don’t think he’s looking for the same things I am, you know?” I said. He didn’t say anything but out of the corner of my eye I saw him move. “Like… I don’t know… The other day he was telling me about how this girl he met somewhere was ‘really hott,’ or something like that… maybe I’m being picky, but it just totally turned me off.”
         “That’s not being picky,” Judah said, backing me up, “That’s being smart. You don’t want a guy who’s going to degrade women. You want someone respectful.”
         “Like you?” I said, looking up at him. I didn’t even mean to say it, so I blushed again when he smiled back at me and smiled when I looked away again.
         “I don’t know,” he said, “You tell me. Am I respectful?”
         I thought about it. Of course he was. He opened the door for me whenever there was one to be opened, not once had I ever heard him say the word ‘hott’ while talking about a girl, he was one of those people that looked you in the eye when you talked to him, and he always insisted on paying for everything. A complete gentleman.
         I nodded my head. “You really are,” I confessed.
******
When I came to the middle of my steps I founds Judah at the bottom, standing with his hands in his pockets, leaned up against the wall, and waiting for me. I was nervous, so before I even came to the last step, I sat down. My palms began to sweat and my heart rate shot up within seconds. I found myself having to take a deep breath and I know I blushed a little. I felt like he was about to hand me some tragic news. I prepared myself for the worst.
“Can I tell you a story?” He asked me without looking me in the eye. I nodded my head and waited.
“For the past two years,” he said strongly and surely, “ I have been looking for a girl who I thought might equal up to you.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“I never found her,” he continued on. I felt myself smile a little but I can’t honestly say that I quite understood him at that moment.
“Back in high school, I felt like you were completely uninterested. So I respected that, and I didn’t even find it worth the try. But now… that… we’ve been talking, and I feel like I know you so much more than I ever thought I would be blessed enough to… I can’t go back to college this year without asking you… if you would honor me by giving me a chance. In other words, could I take you out some time?”
He stared me in the eye now and I knew well that it was my turn to talk, but all I could do was smile and stare back at him. I couldn’t find the words to tell him what I had to say. I didn’t even know if what I had to say made any sense. I didn’t want to say it, but I did.
“No,” I told him, still smiling, “because I think you deserve better than me.”
He opened his mouth to protest but I continued on, frustrated tears already building behind my tired eyes. “I don’t understand what it is I’m feeling for you, and it scares me,” the word vomit that poured from my mouth exposed me and made me feel so vulnerable that I almost began to shake; but there was something in his eye that pulled every word out of me after that. “I’ve never felt like I’ve needed anyone until you came along and broke through some door in me. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t know what to do with it. But I know what that makes you, and it makes you into someone I won’t risk losing. If I let myself date you, I might mess up. I might mess up, and I might lose you, and I could never forgive myself if I did. So please believe me when I say that I take you as so much more than just a friend, but also please understand me when I say that I don’t want to jump into this without having enough confidence in myself that I won’t make the mistake of throwing you away.”
“How would you mess up so violently that you’d lose me, Tiff?”
“You’re moving states away, Judah! I’m going to college for the first year and I’m going to be in an environment that is completely new and influential to me! I’m going to be surrounded by new people, and that includes guys, and, Judah, I’m not perfect! I know that I will be looking at them!” I shuddered as I felt that wall crash to the ground at my feet, “I know that I’ll be the silly teenage girl that I am and I know that you deserve better than that!” a tear rolled down my cheek but I choked back the rest. No more walls would be broken, I had done enough damage to myself.
And yet Judah smiled. “Make a deal with me,” he said, looking amused. I didn’t say anything. “Go away to college,” he told me, leaning in towards the staircase so that he could look me more directly in the eye, “And look for someone else. Talk to them. Get to know them. Flirt with them. And after a year, tell me if you’ve found anyone who compares to me.”
I was taken aback by his confidence and still couldn’t find the right words to give him. Did he honestly expect me to last? I wondered where he had found such a trust in me that I couldn’t find myself. How did he think this would work?
“Okay?” He asked, smiling and sure of himself. I smiled out of disbelief and nodded my head. “But never say a word about it to anyone. It’ll be just a quiet little challenge, okay?” I nodded again and he grinned like he won before leaning in to kiss me lightly on my forehead, and leave my house for the night.
******
I shook my head again, “I’m not going to go out with Gary.”
         I looked up at him as he nodded his head. He played with the straw in his glass and smiled victoriously for the fifth time this year.