Snapping the Chain

"Will you come and visit us, Gran? I feel safe when you're here."
Kay felt as if her heart was going to break when she heard Luke say that. It upset her to think her lovely little boy was so afraid of her that he felt safe only when her husband's mother was present. She was upset that he hated her as much as she'd hated her father, and she felt guilty for falling back on her own parents' method of control.

She knew enough to recognise that she'd hit him because she'd felt unable to 'control' him. She knew enough, also, to realise that it had been her inability to control herself which had made her hit him so hard. When she'd seen the red mark on his face, she'd known she'd gone too far. Remorsefully, she'd swept him up in her arms, and cuddled him all round the supermarket, and waited by the frozen food counters until she'd dared go out through the checkout. She must have looked like the kind of mother who couldn't bear to see her little boy crying but, all the time, she was cold-heartedly hiding his reddened face from the scrutiny of the security cameras. Joseph had been sitting in the trolley, and had seen it all.

It happened again, in the street, a fortnight later, so she knew she was losing control of her anger. She tried to explain it to her husband but he couldn't understand. "You were just reacting because he tried to push you into the road," he reassured her, from his nice safe flat in Switzerland. "It was an over-reaction, that's all. You're not a bad mother. You just lost control. You're patient with him most of the time."
She told him about the time in the supermarket, but he didn't recognise the danger. She said she was turning into her father, but he just laughed. "Don't beat yourself up over it, Kay. You said, yourself, that he'd been head-butting Cyril." 'Cyril' was the pet name they had for the unborn baby in her tummy. "You had to stop him hurting you. Anybody would have done the same. And you can't have hit him that hard, if there weren't any bruises. You're the best mother in the world, Kay."
She really wanted to believe that. She wanted to believe that her own children would be reared without the fear of violence. Michael sounded confident and she knew he wouldn't have taken the job abroad, if he hadn't trusted her to look after their children. She swallowed her worries then, allowing herself to be convinced by her husband's explanation. She'd been provoked and she'd responded. That was all there was to it. She was over-reacting because of what had happened in her own childhood. Luke wouldn't suffer like she had. She'd make it up to him and it wouldn't happen again.

But it did happen again and, this time, there was a bruise. She was collecting Luke from school and he was hitting out at her because of some frustration, which had happened when the teachers were supposed to be caring for him. He caught her stomach and it really hurt and she lashed out without thinking. Then he took his anger out on Joseph. Twice, he hit the toddler and she screamed at him to stop. Then he pushed him into the road.
She wasn't really sure what happened after that. She found herself cuddling Joseph to her, holding him against her leg, safe from traffic and safe from his bullying big brother. With her other hand, she'd pushed Luke against the wall and was flicking little slaps off his head and arm, all the time ranting about how he was the most evil child who had ever been born. When she let him go, he went after Joseph again and she grabbed his nearest hand and bit it as hard as she could. She'd been out of her mind with fear and long-suppressed fury but the screams of her terrified little boy brought her back.

The next morning, she could still feel the ache in her teeth where she'd ground them into his skin.
Michael had told her not to worry. "We'll sort it out when I get back," he'd said. But she had worried. She'd barely slept at all, for fear of what she might do, the next morning. The big, bright, scared eyes had haunted her all night.
After dropping Luke off for school, she phoned the doctor.

Of course, the doctor called in the Social Services and Luke had to be examined. At first, Kay had expected to be sent to prison and to have her children taken away from her. But, even though she'd been afraid to tell Michael that she was planning to report herself for child abuse, she'd gone ahead with it because she couldn't bear the thought of her children living through the nightmare she'd been forced to live through.
The Social Worker had reassured her, and had told her that she'd 'done the right thing'. She’d said that, if Kay hadn't asked for help, the situation might have deteriorated, and it might have reached the point where the children really had needed to be removed to guarantee their safety. She'd booked Kay onto a Parenting Programme, and the doctor had arranged for her to have counselling. Kay felt guilty that she was the focus of so much attention when it had been Luke who had suffered but she also knew that, when she became a better mother, he would benefit just as much as Joseph and the new baby. She knew she would have to work hard to regain his trust but, at last, she had the support to break with her past.