Grieving my lost life.

Grieving my lost life.
or
My wife can't have my children !
One man's perspective

    I had a plan, and she messed it up. If you have felt this way, You're not alone. My name is John, and

I am recently coming out of what I can only describe as, a state of disconnect from life in general.

About three years ago, my wife and I, decided to put our efforts into having children. We had never

even tried to prevent it in the past, but now we were focused. It had never crossed my mind that, there

might be something that would stop us from achieving our goal. I mean this is the natural course of

things, isn't it?  My wife, Renee', told me I needed to go and have my “swimmers” checked. Needless

to say, this was not at all appealing to me. There is nothing wrong with me!  I don't need to be checked.
   
    So,  I'm sitting in this tiny bathroom with my underwear around my  ankles, trying to think of

something that's going to motivate me to generate these little troopers. There is nothing more

embarrassing, than emerging from a bathroom, with this little plastic cup in hand.  The Doctor and wife

waiting for your emergence. And the look on your wifes face that, whether intended or not, says, you

better have been thinking about me. It's amazing how some successes don't quite feel right.

    Well, as it turns out, I was right in my arrogance, they were swimming fine. In hind sight, I wish, I

had been the one, to take the  blame. I don't think people really acknowledge, that someone is going

to take this blame. The blame doesn't have to be deserved, but take it, they will. I needed someone to

blame, someone to accept the responsibility, for not being able deliver a child to me, as promised.

Of course, Renee'  had never promised to have my children. And the tears she cried, and the heartache

she suffered, told me as clear as day, that she had wanted to give me that child. I feel the heartache

now, although I could only feel anger and resentment at the time.

    Nature had created havoc inside her body, and the possibility of children was unlikely. To top this

off, the money involved was way out of reach for us. And adoption, wasn't any less of a financial

obstacle.  This all led me in a direction, I could not have foreseen. I immediately started to tear into

myself for not being more successful. I had let her down, financially anyway. I guess I had always

thought I had plenty of time, but now at forty-one I find myself thinking it's to late. Even if we could

afford to “buy” a child, we're to old to be getting started now. ( Or at least, it feels that way )

    I have always loved children, and seem to have a lot more patience with them, than I will ever have

with adults. I truly believe, children are a gift from God. And God was not going to give us that gift.  I

started to notice, that I no longer wanted to be around children. Not just because it was hard to accept

that we would never have our own, but the tears that seemed to come from my wife in their presence.  I

was having a hard enough time on my own, without having to deal with her breaking into tears. I didn't

really see it at the time, but my anger was being directed at her.

    She was the one that couldn't have children! It wasn't my fault. It wasn't her fault either, but it didn't

matter, I was angry. I began to resent her for letting me down. And started to pull away from her, when

she quite possibly needed me the most. The will to live, seemed to be draining from my body. I no

longer cared, about what would happen to me, why bother, I didn't have anything more to look forward

to. My plans no longer fit with what, our lives had become. I started disappearing to the pool hall, to

get away from the pain of dealing with the wreck, that was now my life.

    The thoughts that went through my mind, were often cold, and I was feeling guilty for having them. I

would tell myself that in order to fix the problem, I was going to have to leave my wife. I would need

to find someone who could deliver my child to me. I actually even considered the possibility of an

affair, so that I could have a child that way. This never really had a chance though, my wife would

most likely have  issues, with raising another women's child. The thoughts kept coming though, and I

slowly started to sink into a depression that would envelop me for quite some time.

    I quit my job, telling myself that I needed something more than just a paycheck. I needed something

to get me motivated to live again. This of course, was not the whole truth. The truth was, I was trying

to get away from life all together. I became withdrawn, and didn't want to talk to anyone. I tried

medication, but this only seemed to pull me further down. I have always been against using pills of any

sort, and this experience only served to reinforce, this way of thinking. It actually scared me, not to be

able to feel anything or even care if I were to die.

    To say, I was bitter towards people who had children, might be an understatement. How could God,

not give us children ? But let people, that have no business raising children, pop them out like rabbits.

Needless to say, this created a great deal of doubt, as to our belief in a God.  Well anyway, the plan of

attack , I apparently chose to go with, was trying to get her to leave me. I think I felt, that if I stopped

being the man she married, she wouldn't want to stay with me anymore. This plan didn't work either, as

it turns out, she was quite tenacious, in her belief that, things would work themselves out.

    I also underestimated, what it would take to make this happen. I mean, I would have had to do things

that I couldn't take back. And I couldn't bring myself to cross that line. This was my friend, the one

that, with all my shortcomings, had said, I love you anyway. And for that last three years, has proved

herself to be a rock. A rock, that I didn't deserve, but truly needed. For the last fifteen years she has

been my best friend, and their isn't a man alive, that could find any better than her.

    I am well aware, that the issue of not being able to have children, usually affects the woman,  in most

cases. And the men, somehow seem to be left to cope on there own. This way of thinking, was fine for

me, up until three years ago. When, the rug was pulled out from under me. I wrote this, for the  most

part, to let people see what happens to that,  “other half” sometimes. The good news is, as the old

saying goes, time heals all wounds. I had to let that life go, so I can live the one I have.

    Although, things aren't exactly the same as before. I am starting to live again. And, I am so glad, that

I still have my wife, my love, and my friend, to live life with.