An Interpretation of "Jingle Bells"

Jingle Bells, originally a Thanksgiving song, is one of, if not THE most popular Christmas song. However, its lyrics need to be taken into consideration. Be it the 21st Century, it is difficult to understand the lyrics' terms and subtlety because of our language's advancement. Therefore, I shall give a proper analysis of the song "Jingle Bells" for the holidays. My commentaries and translations are in brackets, but the original lyrics remain unchanged, except that I skipped the chorus. I must add that the song is public domain, so do not give me any noise about copyright infringement.

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way [Translation: "We got drunk and ran over our neighbors' yards."]
Bells on bob tails ring [A bobtail is a detached short tail, which means that the songwriter promotes animal violence.]
Making spirits bright [Again, they were drunk.]
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight [The word "sleighing" is a typo. The word should be "slaying" since they are singing about running over yards and killing animals.]

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh [This is another example of mistreatment of animals, as the horse could not possibly be having fun pulling humans.]
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh [Back in the 1800's, people were smellier and stupider, so the chorus needed to be sung twice in a row so that listeners can catch up with the lyrics.]

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side [I would provide a translation for "seated by my side", but children may be reading this.]
The horse was lean and lank ["Lean" and "lank" mean the same thing, which is another case of helping the stupid.]
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot [Translation: Fanny Bright had a concussion from a sleigh ride. The songwriter probably left the body there.]

A day or two ago,
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow, [This was on the same day as the concussion incident, so the songwriter is still running.]
And on my back I fell;
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh,
He laughed as there I sprawling lie,
But quickly drove away. [I'd feel sorry for this man being laughed at, but that is the equivalent of feeling sorry for Hitler when he trips over his own shoelaces.]

In conclusion, Jingle Bells is in fact a horribly dark story written as a catchy holiday song. Happy Holidays!

I hope you don't think that I'm being serious.