Next-door's Cat

Accepted by Bewildering Stories Magazine


" 'Allo?"

"I told you to keep your cat out of my garden."

" An' a Merry Christmas to you, an' all"

"Don't you get clever with me."

"You got yourself a wrong number, Missis."

"That's what you said last time. Well, this time it won't wash."

"Wot are you? Some kind of looney?"

"If I've told you once about that cat of yours peeing in my flower beds, I've told you a thousand times. I'll have the law on you, I will."

"Won't do you no good."

"We'll see about that."

" 'Cos I ain't got no cat."

"Now where have I heard that before?"

"Won't let us 'ave pets."

"Who won't?"

"The 'ome."

"What home?"

" 'The Green Cedars Retirement 'Aven For The Elderly,' tha's wot they call this dump."

"Are you telling me this is a wrong number?"

"I told you before."

"Well, why didn't you just hang up, instead of letting me make a fool of myself?"

"'I don't mind, do I? I was 'oping you'd be me granddaughter. She always says she'll phone at Christmas, only she forgets. You know wot kids is like..."

"Well, I'm really sorry, but…"

"You can phone again some time, if you want. Even if it's about the cat."

"Are you trying to pick me up over the phone? I'll have you know I'm a respectable widow, I am, not some..."

"Why don't you hang up, then?"

"Because you sound a bit like my Bill."

"Well, you don't sound nothin' like my Dorothy, God bless 'er soul."

"That's because my name's Ethel..."

"Mine's Wilf."

"Do you like fruit cake...Wilf?"

"Only if it ain't got nuts. Me teeth can't 'andle nuts."

"Well, I can always take them out again, I suppose."