Robert Munsch's Summer Adventure

Cast of Characters:

PRINCESS ELIZABETH (from Paper Bag Princess)

PRINCE RONALD (from Paper Bag Princess)

THE DRAGON (from Paper Bag Princess—should preferably be played by a male actor because of potential romantic relationship with ELIZABETH)

JULE ANN (from Mud Puddle)

THE MUD PUDDLE (from Mud Puddle—can be played by a male or female actor, but will be referred to in the script in the male pronoun until an actor of one gender or another is selected)

THOMAS (from Thomas’ Snowsuit)

THOMAS’ MOTHER (from Thomas’ Snowsuit)

STEPHANIE (from Stephanie’s Ponytail)

JULIE (from Makeup Mess)

VARIOUS EXTRAS, to play the parts of BRIAN BAILEY and the CONTESTANTS on Project Runway Canada. These EXTRAS can be supporting characters (JULE ANN, THOMAS and his MOTHER, STEPHANIE, JULIE, and the MUD PUDDLE) with doubled parts.


Act I, Scene i: THE COUCH:

PRINCESS ELIZABETH is sitting on a couch in her living room. This couch should be on wheels/casters for easy movement on and off the stage.

PRINCESS ELIZABETH: Hey, all you fashionistas out there! Appearance isn’t everything, and for some people, it takes a lifetime to realize that. For me, well, let’s just say it took a crisis of DRAGONLY proportions. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me begin from the beginning, and tell you the story of how I discovered that beauty is only skin (or scale) deep.
(fade to red light, or possible blacklight scene?)


Act I, Scene ii: THE CASTLE:

This “castle” scene can be easily created through “black block theatre” using cardboard bricks or small cardboard boxes, either homemade or store-bought and painted grey, and stacked loosely for easy “smashing.” Castle formation should consist of three walls about three or four feet high, one in the back, and one on each side, and one wall in the front that’s only about two feet high, marked with a large sign that reads “Fourth Wall.” These blocks can be later “recycled” to create the DRAGON’S LAIR in Act IV, Scene i.
It is a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, the DRAGON appears from stage left. DRAGON roars, thrashes around, and lets loose a string of profane-sounding gibberish (but not actual profanity). DRAGON smashes the back and side walls, stomps off towards stage right. DRAGON turns around, raises one finger in the air, as if to say; “Oh, yeah!!!” As an afterthought, DRAGON stomps over to the “Fourth Wall” and smashes that too. Having done this, DRAGON looks around briefly, admires his handiwork, and stomps offstage. Exit stage right.
(fade to normal light)

Act II, Scene i: THE CASTLE RUINS

ELIZABETH, clad in only her underwear (boy shorts and an undershirt will work), looks around in horror at what is left of her home. She searches frantically to see if any of her belongings are still intact after the DRAGON’S rampage. Nevertheless, all she manages to find is one slightly burned and dented oversized safe. She opens the safe, looks inside, and pulls out a large paper bag that is folded closed at the top (a yard waste bag is ideal).

PRINCESS ELIZABETH: Oh, no!!! That dragon went and smashed down my castle, and burned all my precious princess clothes!!! My skinny jeans, my ballet flats, my halter tops, and my collection of Gucci and Prada bags, ALL GONE!!! And to think, I just went shopping at the Georgian Mall yesterday, for an outfit for my big date tonight with Prince Ronald!! We were going to go and see [name of Main Company production] at this very same theatre! Thank goodness we put our tickets in the safe, tucked away safely in this giant paper bag! After all, gold and jewels can be replaced, but [name of M.C. production] will only be around until [closing date], and that’ll be my last chance to see such a wonderful play with my beloved Ronald. Hey…..where is Ronald? Ronald?!?!?! RO-NAAAAALD!!!!! Ronald, this isn’t funny, if you don’t show your face RIGHT NOW, I’m going to tell everyone here that you have a crush on Hannah Montana!!!

PRINCESS ELIZABETH (to the audience): Darn, I thought for SURE that that would work. That dratted dragon must have taken my Ronald—Enter DRAGON, stage left. DRAGON points remote control at ELIZABETH, who stops mid-word and immediately freezes in place.


TABLEAU: ELIZABETH remains standing in front of the castle ruins, still reeling at the sight of the wreckage.
(possible fade to green light)

DRAGON: Hold it, folks! Hold it RIGHT there!!! Now, normally, this is the part of the story where everyone starts to pigeonhole me as the bad guy, and start siding with that peppy, perky, perfectly punctual Princess Elizabeth, but see, that Robert Munsch guy got it ALL wrong. You know all that preposterous prattle about how I loooove to eat princesses? Pure puerile prevarication. Princesses? Pish-posh! Truth is, I’m a vegetarian, and I much prefer Pita Pit to putrid princesses and princes. So, why did I smash that castle? Simple. See, all summer long, I’d been positively DYING to see [name of M.C. production], but that pesky Princess Elizabeth purchased the last of the tickets before I was able to get to the box office at [address of box office on Dunlop Street]. So, you see, I HAD to smash the castle, or else I’d miss out on the greatest performance in the history of non-profit community theatre!!! You understand why I had to do it, don’t you?!?!?!
(wait for response from audience—“NOOOOOOO!!!!!”)

DRAGON (resignedly): Okay, I tried to make you understand my point of view, but I guess you just aren’t getting it. Do you want to just go back to the story?
(wait for audience response—“YES!!!!”)

DRAGON: Very well. At least this gave me a chance to try out my new Deluxe TiVo package—now I can pause, rewind, and fast-forward LIVE THEATRE!!!

DRAGON exits into the audience, desperately asking random audience members if he can buy a ticket from them, offering ridiculous compensation such as bottle caps, Sponge Bob stickers, etc. When no audience members take him up on this offer, DRAGON points the remote control back at Elizabeth, who ENDS HER TABLEAU.
(fade to normal light).

DRAGON: And….rewind one frame! There we go….perfect!!! DRAGON exits stage right.

ELIZABETH: Darn, I thought for SURE that that would work. That dratted dragon must have taken my Ronald, and I have NOTHING to wear except this paper bag!!!
(Cue peppy music [possibly “I’m Too Sexy,” or Project Runway Canada theme music] , disco ball, and applause track)

Enter BRIAN BAILEY and his CONTESTANTS in single file, stage left Applause track continues until they form a semicircle around ELIZABETH.

BRIAN BAILEY: This week, on Project Runway Canada, our challenge is to create a fun and functional fashion out of the ever-versatile, economic, and ecologically conscious PAPER BAG!!! Our lovely model, Princess Elizabeth, a beautiful and adventurous young woman, needs a sturdy yet sultry sundress to wear on her voyage to rescue her sweetheart, Prince Ronald, from the clutches of a ferocious dragon! When Princess Elizabeth isn’t fighting dragons, she enjoys shopping, fine dining, and supporting local theatre!!!

(Fade to black. Cue strobe light as CONTESTANTS begin a flurry of activity, measuring, sketching, cutting, taping, etc. Fade to light, with CONTESTANTS gathered around ELIZABETH in a semicircle once more, with ELIZABETH dressed in a sexy dress made from a paper bag).


Act III, Scene i: THE FOREST /JULE ANN’S HOUSE

It is a beautiful sunny morning, the day after the storm. The sun is shining, birds are chirping (need soundtrack), and now that she has been properly outfitted, ELIZABETH has set off on her quest to rescue the prince. Soon, she comes upon a small house with a picture window. She looks inside and sees a little girl, JULE ANN, sitting glumly in front of the television.

ELIZABETH (to audience): I know I have to rescue my Ronald from the dragon before it’s too late, but that little girl looks awfully sad. I think I have time to see what’s the matter, don’t you?
(wait for audience response—“YES!”)

ELIZABETH: You’re right, I should help her. Anyone who’s inside watching television on a beautiful day like this must be really bummed. ELIZABETH walks up to the door, knocks, and waits a moment. JULE ANN gets up from the couch, opens the door, and steps out onto the porch.

JULE ANN (confused): Who are you?

ELIZABETH: My name is Princess Elizabeth. What’s your name?

JULE ANN: I’m Jule Ann, but why are you here?

ELIZABETH: Forgive my intrusiveness, Jule Ann, but I was just wondering, why were you sitting like a bump on a log in front of the boob tube on this spectacularly sunny summer day? You could go to the park, or go swimming at Centennial Beach, and isn’t [most current Barrie waterfront weekend event] coming up soon? Then, after ALL that, when it gets too dark to stay outside, you can go and watch [name of M.C. production], right here at this very same theatre!!!

JULE ANN (regretfully): You’re right, it IS a beautiful day, and I’d LOVE to go outside…..but I can’t.

ELIZABETH: Why not?

JULE ANN: I have to stay in the house today, because my mother me these brand new clothes from Bonnie Togs on Bayfield Street, and EVERY time I step outside……Oh, no!!!

MUD PUDDLE enters from stage right, giggling maniacally, and runs erratically all over the stage, with arms flailing. Presently, MUD PUDDLE approaches JULE ANN and ELIZABETH.

MUD PUDDLE (shouts): MUD PUDDLE!!!!!!

JULE ANN (frantically): Run for cover!!!

JULE ANN and ELIZABETH run toward stage left, faking the MUD PUDDLE out, then “hide” by a big tree (still visible to the audience), at stage right.

JULE ANN (to ELIZABETH): That was a close one! Now do you see what happens? Every time I even THINK about going outside to play, that malevolent, meddling Mud Puddle chases after me and attacks me!

ELIZABETH (to JULE ANN): That’s terrible! We can’t let the Mud Puddle find us. I hope nobody tells him where we are!

JULE ANN (to ELIZABETH): We have to make sure THEY don’t tell him.

ELIZABETH (to audience): What do you say? Do you PROMISE you won’t tell the Mud Puddle where we are? Pretty please with whipped cream and sprinkles and a cherry on top?
(Wait for audience response—“YES!”)

MUD PUDDLE runs toward stage left, in search of the girls. JULE ANN and

ELIZABETH run to the front of stage right, as the MUD PUDDLE exits into the audience, traversing the crowd full circle, asking random audience members (preferably not the same ones the DRAGON interacted with earlier) if they know where JULE ANN and ELIZABETH are. When nobody is willing to divulge that information, MUD PUDDLE exits dejectedly at stage right.

JULE ANN (to audience): Whew, I think we lost him. Thanks for being such good secret-keepers, otherwise I would have been grounded until the Jonas Brothers are in a nursing home.

ELIZABETH (to JULE ANN): Wait, Jule Ann, why is your mother so afraid of a little mud? Doesn’t she know that getting dirty is part of being a kid? That’s why we have Sunlight laundry detergent, because dirt and stains come out in the wash, but the memories of wholesome childhood fun will last forever!

JULE ANN: You’re right! I don’t care if I get dirty, because I’m only going to live once! Thanks for helping me, Princess Elizabeth! Hey, you said you were going to rescue a prince from a dragon, right? Well, since you helped me, I’d like to return the favour.

ELIZABETH: Of course you can come along, Jule Ann! The more, the merrier.

ELIZABETH and JULE ANN continue on their journey, walking amicably together towards the back of stage left. Now that the girls have come out of hiding, MUD PUDDLE seizes this opportunity, enters from the back of stage right, and begins giggling maniacally and attempting to sneak up on JULE ANN.
MUD PUDDLE: MUD PUDDLE!!!!

JULE ANN: Didn’t you hear me before? I don’t care about a little mud, because my new friend Princess Elizabeth taught me that getting dirty is part of having fun!

MUD PUDDLE (whining, to JULE ANN): Well, geez, it’s no fun attacking people who don’t even CARE about getting dirty! Come on, can’t you ACT scared?

JULE ANN: Nope!

MUD PUDDLE (to ELIZABETH): How about you?

ELIZABETH: Nope!

MUD PUDDLE crosses his arms across his chest in a pout, then stomps dejectedly offstage, peevishly muttering gibberish).


Act III, Scene ii: THE FOREST/THOMAS’ HOUSE

ELIZABETH and JULE ANN continue walking through the forest, towards stage right, in search of the DRAGON’S lair. Presently, they come upon a house. A little boy, THOMAS, bursts out the front door and runs around the stage, attempting to escape from his MOTHER, who is standing on the porch, holding up a ridiculously ugly brown snowsuit.

MOTHER (earnest, insistent): But Thomas, you HAVE to try on this snowsuit! I got it at the early-early-early bird sale at Wal-Mart, and since it’s August already, you know that the brutal Canadian winter is just around the corner!!!

THOMAS (looking back at his MOTHER and shouting): NNNNNNNO!!!!!!!!!! That is the UGLIEST snowsuit I have EVER seen, and I will NEVER, EVER wear it!!!!

PRINCESS ELIZABETH puts two fingers in her mouth, and whistles loudly. Startled by the sudden, loud noise, THOMAS and his MOTHER immediately stop arguing and look at ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH: Hey, hey…..what seems to be the problem here?

THOMAS and his MOTHER begin arguing again, talking and shouting over one another. JULE ANN performs another piercing, two-finger whistle like

ELIZABETH’s. THOMAS and his MOTHER stop arguing, fall silent, and look at the girls once more.

JULE ANN (exasperatedly): One at a time, please!

THOMAS: My mom here is making me wear this FUGLY snowsuit! It makes me look like a total geek!!! Petulantly turns his back on his MOTHER, and folds arms across his chest.

MOTHER: But Thomas, it’ll keep you nice and warm all winter, from October all the way through the middle of May! Besides, you need something to wear to Cubs Camp at Snow Valley! Remember how much you loved that tubing park last year? (to THOMAS and audience): It’s great family fun, from [opening date] until [closing date]. Be sure to drop by at [address!]

At MOTHER’S mention of Snow Valley, ELIZABETH gets an idea. She beckons JULE ANN closer to her, and the two girls gather in a huddle, whispering excitedly. They break apart and turn to THOMAS and his MOTHER.

ELIZABETH (slyly, tantalizingly stage-whispering): Heeeeey, Thomas!!!

THOMAS ignores ELIZABETH, says nothing and continues pouting.

ELIZABETH (slightly louder): Hey, Thomas!!!

THOMAS continues to sullenly ignore ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH (shouting as loudly as she can): HEY, THOMAS!!!!

THOMAS (still sulking): WHAT?!?!?!

ELIZABETH: Would you like to see a magic trick?

THOMAS (perks up slightly): Well…..okay.

ELIZABETH (to audience): I need you guys to help me. On the count of three, everyone shout out your most magical magic words! One……two………THREE!!!!

Wait for audience to shout out a jumble of various magic words, then immediately cut to black, cue strobe light and soft, mystical music An EXTRA, dressed all in black, quietly sneaks in, affixes a large, prominent ski-lift tag onto the zipper of the snowsuit, and exits. Fade to light, with a spotlight on the snowsuit, giving it a glowing effect.

THOMAS (rapturously gazing at the snowsuit): What……is THAT?!?!?!

ELIZABETH: It’s a snowboard suit! Now you’ll look just like James Wigelsworth, from the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver!

JULE ANN (to audience): Isn’t that spiffy, folks? Come on, say it with me……WOW!!!!!

(Wait for audience to echo…WOW!!!)

THOMAS immediately runs and grabs the snowsuit, then enthusiastically puts it on, as ELIZABETH wheels in a mirror from offstage. THOMAS admires himself in the mirror, pumping his muscles, etc.

THOMAS: Wow, I DO look like James Wigelsworth! How can I ever thank you girls?!?!

ELIZABETH: Oh, where are my manners? My name is Princess Elizabeth, this is my friend Jule Ann, and we’re off to fight a dragon! You don’t have to thank us, but you can come along if you like.

THOMAS (enthusiastically): Dude, that sounds totally GNARLY!!! Hey, look, I’m talkin’ snowboard already!!!

THOMAS continues walking along with ELIZABETH and JULE ANN, in search of the dragon’s lair. Enter MUD PUDDLE, stage right, giggling maniacally and attempting to sneak up on THOMAS.

MUD PUDDLE: MUD PUDDLE!!!!

THOMAS, JULE ANN, and ELIZABETH continue walking, seemingly oblivious to the MUD PUDDLE’s presence.

MUD PUDDLE (growing frustrated, shouting louder): MUD PUDDLE!!!!

THOMAS, JULE ANN, and ELIZABETH continue to ignore the MUD PUDDLE.

MUD PUDDLE (shouting as loudly as he can): MUUUD—(turns to THOMAS, noticing his hideous brown snowsuit for the first time). Hey, aren’t you my long-lost cousin Quicksand?

THOMAS (with bravado): Nope! My name is Thomas, and my new friends Princess Elizabeth and Jule Ann here told me that I look just like James Wigelsworth!!!

MUD PUDDLE (incredulous, horrified): You mean….you mean……YOU’RE not self-conscious about the way YOU look either?!?!?!

THOMAS: Nope! I look JUST like James Wigelsworth, and I’m going to fight a dragon!!!

MUD PUDDLE: So, I can’t terrorize you either?

ELIZABETH (interjecting): Nope! But you can join us if you want. How about it? You can help us fight the dragon, and save my beloved Prince Ronald!

MUD PUDDLE (to audience): What do you guys think? Should I join this crazy crew, and help fight the dragon?!?!?
(Wait for audience to respond—“YES!”)


Act III, Scene iii: THE FOREST/STEPHANIE AND JULIE’S HOUSE

The MUD PUDDLE joins THOMAS, JULE ANN, and ELIZABETH, as they continue in the direction of the dragon’s lair. Presently, they come upon another house. ELIZABETH looks inside to see two ditzy, pre-pubescent teeny-bopper girls, STEPHANIE and JULIE, primping in front of the mirror in their bedroom, and arguing vociferously over the mirror space, each other’s appearance, and everything they can think of. ELIZABETH approaches the door and knocks. STEPHANIE and JULIE answer the door, looking like fashion victims in the worst sense of the word. STEPHANIE is wearing a ponytail on top of her forehead, hanging down in front of her face, and JULIE’s entire face is covered in a thick layer of garish make-up in various colours (can be depicted with a form-fitting mask that does not impede JULIE’S speech).

JULIE: Stephanie, that ponytail is UUUUGLY!!! Besides, aren’t you afraid you’re going to walk into oncoming traffic and get hit by a Mack truck?

STEPHANIE: Oh yeah?!?! Well, at least my face doesn’t look like a Monet painting threw up all over it!!!

ELIZABETH: What happened here?

THOMAS: Yeah, you two look ridic—

MUD PUDDLE: Yeah, really—don’t you know that earth tones are all the rage right now?

JULE ANN desperately looks at THOMAS and the MUD PUDDLE, and signals them to stop by pinching two fingers together and swiftly drawing them across her throat, then motions to ELIZABETH for damage control.

ELIZABETH (interrupting): Thomas, Mud Puddle, why don’t you let us girls handle this one?

THOMAS (confused): Well, okay. Walks over to mirror, continues flexing muscles and practicing snowboard poses. After a few minutes, the MUD PUDDLE joins in at playing snowboarders with THOMAS. Ad lib muttering—“Sick”; “Gnarly”; “Crispy”; etc.

ELIZABETH (turning to STEPHANIE and JULIE): Now then, if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of look are you girls going for here?

JULE ANN: Yeah, and why are you letting it turn into World War Three?

STEPHANIE and JULIE immediately start arguing again, talking and shouting over one another. ELIZABETH performs another ear-splitting two-finger whistle, and everyone falls silent and looks at her.

ELIZABETH: That’s better. Stephanie, you go first.

STEPHANIE: My sister Julie here took ALL my make-up, and smeared it all over her face! Now we’re going to need a trowel to get it all off –I can barely see her anymore, because of all the crazy war paint she’s got caked on there.

JULIE: YOU can’t see ME?!?!? You should talk, with your big ol’ mud flap hanging down there!!! You look like a sheepdog!!! I just wanted to look pretty for tonight—we’re going to see [name of M.C. production], and [name of male lead character] is like, SUCH a babe!!! I just want him to notice me!!!

STEPHANIE (sarcastically): Yeah, he’ll notice you all right! You’ll be the only one wearing more make-up than he is!!! Besides, the only reason I’m wearing my hair like this is because I tried wearing a ponytail out the back, the side, AND the top of my head, and no matter what I did, all my friends at school COPIED me!!!

The two sisters start arguing and talking over one another again. JULE ANN repeats ELIZABETH’S piercing two-finger whistle, and they stop.

JULE ANN: Let’s be reasonable here, okay? Julie, it’s perfectly fine to wear make-up, but if you wear too much, nobody will be able to see your beautiful face underneath. Stephanie, it’s wonderful to be an individual, but no hairstyle should EVER supersede safety. Oh, and one more thing—Julie, it’s not nice to take things that aren’t yours!!! Seriously, look at you two—what kind of example are you setting for THEM? (indicates the children in the audience, particularly the little girls, then chooses a little girl to come up onstage, and asks her her name).

JULE ANN (stage-whispering to AUDIENCE GIRL): What do you think [name], should we get them to make up?

AUDIENCE GIRL: (If affirmative response, agree with her. If negative, laugh it off and continue facilitating a reconciliation between STEPHANIE and JULIE anyway.)

JULE ANN: Okay, [name], on the count of three, I want you to yell, “STOP FIGHTING!!!” One…..two……THREE!!!

AUDIENCE GIRL (yelling): STOP FIGHTING!!!!

JULIE and STEPHANIE look at AUDIENCE GIRL, then at one another. They remove their make-up mask and unsafe ponytail, respectively, then hug and make up.

JULE ANN (to audience at large): Would you look at that?!?! [AUDIENCE GIRL’S name] here stopped the fighting! How about a big hand?!?!

(Wait for audience to applaud, give AUDIENCE GIRL a high-five, then send her back to her parents).

ELIZABETH (to JULE ANN): Wow, Jule Ann! That was some seriously awesome conflict resolution there! And to think, just this morning, I was embarrassed about having to go fight a dragon in this paper-bag dress! But, you know, you guys have taught me that I’m okay, if you get me at a good angle!

THOMAS (agreeing): You’re okay, in the right sort of light!

STEPHANIE AND JULIE (together): We don’t look like pages from a magazine!

JULE ANN (cheerfully, with conviction): But that’s all right!

ALL: That’s ALL RIGHT!!!

MUD PUDDLE: Hey, guys, I hate to break up this impromptu tribute to Ani Difranco, but aren’t we forgetting something? We have a DRAGON to fight!!!

ALL (remembering): Ad lib: Oh, yeah!!!; We’d better hurry!!!; etc.
STEPHANIE, JULIE, THOMAS, JULE ANN, ELIZABETH, and the MUD PUDDLE hastily sprint offstage, toward the back of stage left.


Act IV, Scene i: THE DRAGON’S LAIR

STEPHANIE, JULIE, THOMAS, JULE ANN, ELIZABETH, and the MUD PUDDLE enter stage right, to find PRINCE RONALD imprisoned in a dungeonlike enclosure, constructed from the same cardboard blocks that formed the CASTLE in Act I. In front of this enclosure, looking rather out of character, is a Welcome mat with a large key sticking out from underneath it.

PRINCE RONALD is frantically jumping up and down and waving his hands in the air as he yells for help, until he sees PRINCESS ELIZABETH and her friends, at which point he stops abruptly, looking disgusted. PRINCESS ELIZABETH ET. AL. walk up to the dragon, and look him eye to eye.

DRAGON (confused): Well, a princess….and a mud puddle, a puffy brown marshmallow boy, two fashion victims, and (turns to JULE ANN): Sorry, kid, I got nothing on you.

ELIZABETH (to the DRAGON): Isn’t it true that you’re the strongest, fiercest dragon in the whole world?!?!

DRAGON: Yeah, yeah, yeah……..we all know how that goes. You’re going to use your little flattery games to trick me into flying around the world in thirty seconds, and burning up forty forests with my fiery breath. Well, I’ve got news for you—I can’t do that anymore, on account of the smoking by-law!

ELIZABETH, JULE ANN, THOMAS, JULIE, STEPHANIE, and the MUD PUDDLE gather in a huddle, conferring on what to do next. After a few moments of incoherent whispering back and forth, they put their hands in the middle and then break apart.

ELIZABETH (to the DRAGON): Okay, do-over. Isn’t it true that you’re the SMARTEST dragon in the whole world?!?!?!

DRAGON (flattered): Why, yes!!!

JULE ANN turns to the dragon, and then pulls two small pieces of white fabric from her pocket.

JULE ANN (to the DRAGON): Hey, Dragon! If you’re so smart, can you tell me WHICH one of these chocolate-stained fabric swatches was washed with Sunlight?

DRAGON (yawning): Don’t insult me, child! It’s OBVIOUS that it’s the one on the right!!! Now please, stop bothering me. I love torturing princesses and their strange-looking friends, but I have already pillaged an entire castle today. I am a very busy dragon. Come back tomorrow.

The DRAGON turns away from the children, and resumes standing guard over PRINCE RONALD’S enclosure

THOMAS (to the DRAGON): Hey, Dragon! If you’re SOOO smart, answer me this—what Canadian snowboarder got disqualified from the 1998 Nagano Olympics?

DRAGON (yawning): Ha! EVERYONE knows it was Ross Rebagliati!!! Stop pestering me with pointless trivia, you little poser! Now please, stop bothering me. I love torturing puffy marshmallow boys who think they’re snowboarders, but I have already pillaged an entire castle today. I am a very busy dragon. Come back tomorrow.

JULIE takes a mascara wand out of her pocket, and then turns to the DRAGON.

JULIE (to the DRAGON): Hey, Dragon! If you’re SOOO smart, I bet it’ll be a SNAP for you to do this!!! Take this mascara wand, and put the mascara on your eyelashes WITHOUT OPENING YOUR MOUTH!!! Hands mascara wand to the DRAGON.
The DRAGON completes this task, then admires himself in the mirror.

DRAGON (excitedly, to himself): I’ve never been so in touch with my feminine side!!! DRAGON looks around, gets embarrassed, remembers where he is, and hands the mascara wand back to JULIE.

STEPHANIE (interjecting): Dragon, everyone at my school copies my ponytails, but none of the other kids have French braids. Could you make me a beautiful French braid coming straight out the back? STEPHANIE pulls a hair elastic out of her pocket and hands it to the DRAGON.

DRAGON (impatiently, resignedly): Very well, child. Turn around.

STEPHANIE turns around, and the DRAGON makes several spectacularly unsuccessful, yet comical attempts to braid her hair, while growing in frustration.

DRAGON (dissolving into histrionic tears of frustration): I can’t do it!!! I can’t make a beautiful French braid coming straight out the back!!! I’m NOT the smartest dragon in the whole world!!! I’ve lost everything I’ve ever believed in!!!

MUD PUDDLE (disgusted): Holy melodrama, Batman!!! I’ve never seen such a nauseating display of vanity in my life!!!

PRINCESS ELIZABETH (stage whispering): Never mind that! Now’s your chance!!!

MUD PUDDLE: Oh, yeah!

MUD PUDDLE begins sneaking around, giggling maniacally, and chasing after the DRAGON.

MUD PUDDLE (yelling): MUD PUDDLE!!!! Jumps on the DRAGON’S back.

DRAGON (crying out): I’m…….DIRTY!!!! DIIIIIRTYYYY!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Falls to the ground in a heap.

PRINCESS ELIZABETH ET. AL walk up to the enclosure. ELIZABETH proceeds to remove the key from under the Welcome mat.

THOMAS: It’s a good thing that dragon is so big and fierce, because his security system is totally bunk, man!!

ELIZABETH opens the door of the cage, and turns to PRINCE RONALD, who does not exit the enclosure willingly, but has to be dragged out, hiding his face in shame.

ELIZABETH: Ronald! We’re here, we came to rescue you! Now we’ll have JUST enough time to get to [name of M.C. production] for our big date!!!

PRINCE RONALD: Elizabeth, you are a mess. You smell like ashes, your hair is all tangled, and you are wearing a dirty old paper bag that some overblown T.V. dude has turned into a cocktail dress, and you’re hanging out with a mud puddle, two little Paris Hilton clones, a walking Bonnie Togs billboard, and a boy who looks like a Viva Puff cookie with a ski lift tag! Come back and rescue me when you’re dressed like a real princess, and get some decent friends while you’re at it!!!

ELIZABETH: Ronald, your clothes are very pretty, and your hair is very neat. You look like a real prince, but you are a BUM!!!!

RONALD: Fine, be that way. I didn’t want to go to [name of M.C. production] with you anyway—I wonder if Hannah Montana’s free? Ronald takes his cell phone out of his back pocket, turns away from the others, and dials a few numbers.

RONALD (in overly eager voice): Hello? Hannah? Listens for a moment, then hangs up, looking petulant. Oh, darn!!! She SAYS she’s washing her hair, and that her REAL name is Miley Cyrus!!! Takes his theatre ticket out of his front pocket, hands it back to ELIZABETH in disgust, then picks up a tub of Haagen-Dazs ice cream and starts eating it directly out of the container with a spoon.
At that, the DRAGON hears the din, shakes the mud off himself, and then comes over to the enclosure.

DRAGON (in disbelief): Prince! What are you doing out of the dungeon? How did you rotten children manage to get him out?

JULIE (cynically rolling her eyes): Well, like, maybe if you didn’t like, hide your key under your Welcome mat!

DRAGON (remorsefully, to ELIZABETH): Well, to tell you the truth……the only reason why I smashed your castle was to get tickets to [name of M.C. production], because I really, really, REALLY wanted to go, but when I got to the box office at [address of box office on Dunlop Street], that rotten Larissa Mair told me that a girl in a sparkly gold crown had bought the last of the tickets!!! But, since Ronald stood you up………is there any way that I could go with you? Pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top?

ELIZABETH (thinking, hesitating): Well, you smashed my entire castle and burned all my princess clothes…..but you DID use your manners and say “please,” so……how about I ask them? Turns to the audience.

ELIZABETH (to the audience): What do you guys think? Should I say yes?!?!?!
(Wait for audience reply—“YES!!!”)

ELIZABETH (to the DRAGON): Yes, Dragon, I’d be honoured if you’d be my date to [name of M.C. production]. You can pick me up at seven o’clock at—wait, you already know my address!

MUD PUDDLE (to ELIZABETH): Wait, Elizabeth! We’ve had so much fun on our little adventure today……is there any way that I could come too? Please? Pretty please with—

ELIZABETH: Let me guess—pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top?!?!

MUD PUDDLE: Yes, exactly!!! You took the words straight out of my mouth!!!

JULE ANN: Can I come too? Please? I don’t want to go back home, I’ll never be allowed outside in the evil, dirty world again!!!

THOMAS: And me too?

STEPHANIE (speaking for herself and JULIE): What about us?

ELIZABETH: Not to worry! I reserved the entire front row, so there are plenty of tickets for ALL my friends! Hands out tickets to the DRAGON, the MUD PUDDLE, JULE ANN, THOMAS, STEPHANIE, and JULIE, who cheer with joy. They exit at stage left, talking excitedly about the wonderful performance that awaits them.


Act V, Scene i: ELIZABETH’S LIVING ROOM

Back to the castle, which has now been re-built, with the notable exception of the Fourth Wall in the front, which is still missing. ELIZABETH is sitting on her couch, continuing to reminisce about the surprising series of events that transpired.

ELIZABETH: So, you see, this whole crazy adventure wasn’t so bad. Sure, I saw my castle get smashed to the ground, but I also learned that that pretty boy Ronald had a seriously UGLY heart. I discovered the fashion potential of the humble paper bag, I had a wonderful time with my new friends at [name of M.C. production], and as for the castle? Well, I got Ty Pennington and his gang to fix it, so all’s well that ends well. They just forgot to rebuild that ONE wall in the front here (indicates the missing Fourth Wall), but I’ve always been into open concept anyway!

Fade to black, cue the same music from the Project Runway scene, then fade to light. Curtain call is as follows: DRAGON and ELIZABETH holding hands, front and centre, flanked by STEPHANIE and JULIE on the left, beside the DRAGON, and JULE ANN, THOMAS, and the MUD PUDDLE on the right, beside ELIZABETH.

The cast exits into the audience beginning in the centre of the formation, in the following order:

1. ELIZABETH, with RONALD and the DRAGON on either side of her
2. STEPHANIE and JULIE
3. JULE ANN and THOMAS
4. MUD PUDDLE (still in character, jokingly “threatening” various audience members”)