dear me

Dear Me,

I don't know what to tell you. We can reminisce on that -- god knows we will anyway -- but its time. Its time to take that path down to the sea. We can mourn losing the stars, but....but....

You want some sign or premonition? You want to know that your life is going to be okay? I can't give that to you. No one has that! Grow up! You're 32 years old. You can cry for the rest of your life how the world is a joke, or you can wake up and you can choose to have a good life. You're intelligent. You're not old. Yet. And when you pay attention, you can enjoy this joke that is the world. Writing. Telepathy. Nature. The world has some amazing things, and you aren't too old for mysteries. But you have to wake up. You want to go away. But you can't. And you are smart enough to know it.

You've always seen that shelf just above you, that promise of calm presence whereby you've become a relative eye of the whirlwind. Take it! It is yours. It is there for anyone who would but reach out and grab it. You spend a lot of time feeling sorry for yourself and bemoaning your life. And let's face it, this life isn't suited to you. You're so perfect for some dark girl who just wants to be kids together instead of have kids. But its not a reality. And you have to move on. Cry a little. Its okay to cry. But don't fall asleep. Not now. Not when you have so much figured out. Yeah its a joke. But its your life. And you're going to have to live with it.

Its too bad that things are the way they are. Really, you have my full sympathy. I can't promise you'll find someone to live with. You may not fall in love again. You're a very black and white thinker and you tend to dwell on this. I mean, look at me! So you think your life is worthless because that is the only thing you want in the world -- to actually share a life with someone you really have chemistry with. And you know how amazing that would be. And you were right all of those years -- it really is a big deal. And you never really had that. But you can't get trapped in that. You know -- you KNOW -- that whether your life brings you a friend to share it with, or whether it doesn't, the best you can do is not to dwell on it. Instead, devote your thoughts to what is beyond that. That is what killed you. You were so obsessed with...your obsession that, well, you screwed up. And it doesn't matter who screwed up more. Its done.

What you have to do is find yourself. You were very close before. You know how things work now. You can (believe it or not) use this to your advantage. You're not going to have much more fun feeling sorry for yourself.

Do what you want. See some girls. Work on your website, your writings. Go on some walks. Okay, its cold, go to a coffee shop. But don't lose yourself in depression now. Just don't lose yourself in it. You can turn this around.

Jeff