How to stay put while you escape winter

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How to stay put while you escape winter

By Jack Rawlins

According to the Mayo Clinic, seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year, usually in winter. Dr. Lotta Innuendo, director of BYI (The Bullshit Yourself Institute) of Dorksville, South Dakota, warns that anyone ticked off about prolonged frigid spells can prevent their pique from progressing into a sad case of SAD by escaping winter.

However, not everyone can pack up and boogie to the Bahamas. So we followed up with Dr. Innuendo, and asked her specifically how anyone can escape winter without moving away from it

Dr. Innuendo is devoted to holistic solutions to complex problems. Some of her critics refer to her as a wacko with weird ideas who dispenses poor advice. But we had nowhere else to turn. This is what she said:

“As a practitioner of holism, I integrate all aspects of well-being: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, environmental and social. So let’s map our escape from every angle:

Physical escape: You can’t leave town but you can shut it out. Keep all doors locked and curtains drawn. Do not under any circumstances watch the local weather. You can, however, check hot spots around the world

Dress scantily. Thongs are good. It’s hard not to think of the beach when you’re bopping about in a tiny thong.

Bright lights can also help the illusion. Remember to turn them off if you want to sleep. Play “Summer Time,” from Porgy and Bess for background music. Also have a bait shop ship you several dozen crickets. Their chirping may keep you awake, but it will add to the illusion that it’s summer time.

Also, try sleeping in the fetal position. It may help you recall that nice warm swish of amniotic fluid.

Mental escape: To make your move without a move, you must marshal all your mental mechanisms. Denial is always good. “It’s not rally that cold.” Repression may work. Try to put it out of your mind before you go out of yours.

Rationalization is iffy; it’s hard to find rational excuses when the weather isn’t. Give procrastination a shot, but don’t put it off.

Watch movies with a lot of sweating, like A Long Hot Summer and the never- ending Rocky series.

Mental mechanisms are a core tenet of the BYI approach to life’s many problems. This is based on the principle that the world if full of people who try to BS you. Why let them when you can do it yourself?


Emotional escape: Vent your spleen; find a scapegoat for the temperature. Write letters to the editor and send hate mail to TV weather persons. It’s hard to feel cool when you are genuinely hot under the collar.

Environmental escape: Recognize that short term you can’t fight a cold front. But you can raise your body temp a few degrees by being proactive and taking a long-term view. Accept the fact that global warming is a good thing. If you own a gas guzzler, park it in the driveway 24-hours a day with the motor running. Stop recycling.

Spiritual escape: Remember the story of Solomon and the inscription in the ring presented to him by Beniah be Hehoyad, his most trusted minister? (No? Neither did I, until I looked it up.) Inside the ring was inscribed: ‘And this too shall pass.’ Well, you can say that about the weather.

Social escape: Party. Party a lot! Whooping it up is a wonderful way to escape. Especially if there’s a lot of sauce to warm you up while it dulls your senses.

In summary, this is a healthy Pollyanna approach. Use it to combat lousy weather and prevent the early onset of SAD. If none of these tips work, consider a frontal lobotomy.”



Warning: Do not apply all of these approaches at once. A lady in Nome Alaska, who wanted quick results during a long period of minus 30-degree weather, overdosed on Dr. Innuendo’s advice and suffered a heat stroke.

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