True vs False Epiphanies

TRUE VS FALSE EPIPHANIES

There are two kinds of epiphanies: true and false. I seem to have more than my fair share of the false ones.
About four years ago I had finally decided to tackle writing. I had an eager expectation that I would be published in magazines and composing novels within a year. However, the more I learned about the craft, the more it dawned on me that this is an awful, miserable, downgrading, ego-bashing way to live.
Elitists and uncaring, the publishing world is the enemy of the fledgling writer. Nonetheless, I still write. Now, instead of high hopes, I write for my own enjoyment and some day, when I have mastered the tools, maybe the world will recognize my talent. If not, then so be it. I'll continue writing. I now enjoy reading stories about sudden revelations; those life-changing times called epiphanies when all the lights turn on and everything becomes perfectly clear. But beware of the false epiphanies. I'm presently reading James Joyce's "The Dubliners", a series of short stories exploring nothing but those.

My own "falsie" came after six months of disciplined exercise, following a proper diet, and losing almost 40 pounds. I was confident that I would never allow myself to regain that weight, and I really believed that I had mastered the whole weight control thing. I thought I was the image of intestinal fortitude and discipline.

Alas, I had overestimated my resolve.

As soon as I got close to my desired weight, I decided it was time to treat myself, so I ordered a pizza, brought home some cold brews, flipped my favorite DVD into the player and enjoyed. I checked the next day and discovered that I had not gained an ounce. Wow! I’m a fat burning machine. Any calories I take in will simply melt away.

True, if only I hadn't indulged myself for another six or seven days when I noticed a slight increase in weight. No worries, I'll just step up the exercises and cut back on the calories next week.

After a few more "next week’s" of slight weight gains came the onset of winter. I allowed myself to become housebound. I continued to tell myself that I'd start dieting and exercising next Monday, but until then, I'll continue to indulge myself. I avoided the mirrors and my bathroom scale. Then one day I couldn't buckle my belt. I discovered to my horror that I was fifty pounds overweight; ten pounds more than when I started! I was huffing and puffing after short walks, and in my yard, last fall's leaves would have to wait until I had more energy.

Guilt washed over me. For half a year, I had worked so hard get close to my ideal weight and I blew it. Sadly, after my success, I had rested on my laurels and my fat duff for too long. I clearly understand now that I have an inner voice that hates dieting and exercise. I think that voice belongs to something called "human nature" and it is always looking for the easy way out. I had allowed it to lead me down the wrong path, but I'm determined that I've listened to and followed that voice for the last time.

When the truth finally knocked on my brain, I had experienced a "true" epiphany. My advice to you, dear reader, is every time you encounter a false epiphany, shoot it. Put it out of its misery.