The Cycle

The Cycle

Q: What is the cycle?

A: The cycle is the most honest and personal body of poetry I've ever written. It chronicles the past year of my life and my battle with, and eventual victory over (woot!) depression. Each of the four poems represents a different stage in my journey and to illustrate them I put myself in the body in a different animal that I felt best represented that stage. First the Turtle represents helplessness and sadness, the feeling of wanting to only hide and isolate myself from life. Next is the Koi which stands for the struggle to reclaim my life which felt like swimming against the current and the emotional ups and downs that buffeted me like waves along the way. Also the Koi includes the myth of Dragon's Gate which says if a lowly fish has the strength and resolve to rise to the top of the Dragon's Gate waterfall he will evolve into something greater, and while I was living this stage I felt if I could get through this I could survive nearly anything , and that I was definitely headed for something greater. But before I could get there I had to become the Phoenix and purge the past to emerge stronger than ever before. And finally I became the Dragon which is about me realizing my full potential, and feeling alive, living up to who I really am.
Though The Cycle doesn't necessarily have to be read so much like an auto-bio. I published The Cycle with the hopes that anyone who is going through or had gone through something similar could relate and maybe gleam some sense of understanding from it, and also so that anyone that likes to read poetry could simply appreciate the artistry of it. Whatever the case I hope you enjoy going on this journey with me.
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Turtle
I am a turtle
Small, vulnerable, the shell was stripped from my back.

My shelter, my solace,
Kept me safe from attack.

The ravages of nature
torment me with no reprieve.

A sign of a merciless god…
Not that I even believe.

Left naked and abandoned,
Bleeding and alone.

Predators surround me,
Quick relief beneath a stone.

Living is perilous, hiding is easy
I just have to lie here and hope that nobody sees me.

Minutes become days,
And time seems immaterial.

Sleeping and waking. Sleeping and waking.
Beginning to wonder if I am still real.

Beginning to wonder if I can still feel.

Lying for days on end,
No water, nothing to eat.

An atrophied limb moves to feel an atrophied heart beat.

No longer wanting to stay,
but lacking the will to get up and leave.

Lying in self pity,
Only wanting to grieve.

An unsightly way to live,
But my future looks bleak.

Realizing that relying on my shell
Only served to make me weak.

But the realization is not enough to see me clear
It's the comfort of a broken dream,
The reason I'm still lying here.

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Koi
If life is a river then I am lost at sea.
A small, lonely koi,
Yearning to be free.

Swimming, drifting past a group of whales.
The icy cold creeps in
Slipping beneath my scales.

I've drifted for so long
No longer remembering where I came from
No longer remembering the melody to my favorite song.

This cold oppressive darkness,
I need to escape.
It's corrupting my soul.

My fins are weak from inactivity,
Still I must try.
There has to be something greater. I want to feel whole.

I push,
Swimming against the current
Determined to find my purpose.

All creatures were created with a reason
But I refuse to believe
I was made only to drift then float to the surface.

Determination gleams in my eyes
But my strength is waning.
My will is no match for this torrent.

I go under again,
Letting the flow carry me,
Batter me, I can't handle this torment.

I drift for a week
Until I muster the strength.
I'll give it another try, maybe find what I seek.

Again I battle the might
That is the fury of the sea
I make good progress, but I can't swim all night.

It takes me silently this time
Sweeping me far from my goal
Drowning my resolve

A waterfall passes by as I coast
'Ryûmon Taki'
I need to go there, I have to evolve.

I swim toward it,
And for the first time since I can remember,
My destiny is something I can clearly see.

Suddenly an anchor catches my tail.
I almost let it drag me to the depths,
For I feel the world is as bleak and grey as the water around me.

But I writhe and I wriggle
Until I escape,
And swim fast, heading for the falls.

The water rages like thunder, but I have to get to the top.
Had I wings I would fly,
I would climb had I claws.

But for me there is only one way.
I swam through oceans of suffering,
I'm not about to give up today.

The rapids roil and refuse to submit.
But something within me is missing,
And this is my chance to fix it.

Doubt and uncertainty
Threaten to drag me down with wraithlike hands
As I realize how small and how feeble I am.

But I swallow my fear
And approach the falls untill..
SLAM!

The pressure is immense
And I almost lose consciousness
But I try again.

I make it farther this time
And further still the next
But there is a long way to go, it's not a battle I can win.

Over and over
I come crashing down
Each time sinking closer to abyss.

Eagles and hawks want me to fail.
They circle overhead,
But still I persist.

Halfway up the fall
Summoning all of my strength.
Destiny beckons me and I intend to answer her call.

Denying my weakness,
Desperate for strength.
Once again I plummet, lost within bleakness.

So many scales have been ripped away,
The water now ravages my flesh
I wear my wounds like a badge and try it again.

Three quarters of the way up, surprised I still have the strength.
A stone rolls down from above
Crushing my left fin.

I start to fall,
Feeling helpless and afraid
But I muster my strength, I've come way too far.

With only one fin I begin to ascend,
The closer to the top I get the more painful it becomes
Blood leaks from my scar.

But I'm so close,
Have to ignore the pain.
Battling against the current, mere inches from my fate.

Seconds make the difference
Between destiny and defeat
But I made it at last, to the top of the falls of Dragon's Gate.

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Phoenix
I wake.
After sleeping for time immeasurable
An eye opens and the world becomes alive to me.
Sights… sounds… colors, all so pleasurable.

Atop a cliff the entire world spreads beneath me.
Crystalline blues and verdant shades of green.
It can all be mine,
My potential still has yet to be seen.

The sun sets splashing gold,
Yellow, red and orange upon my wings.
I feel a flame forming from deep within.
Burning away my sorrow and the fear of what tomorrow brings.

Bluebirds surround me with whimsical curiosity.
They know I am like them, yet something else entirely.
I open my mouth to invite them closer,
But my voice is a harsh screech and they flee hastily.

Other animals come close to the top of my cliff.
Curious to see what it is that I am,
But they too are afraid.
I am too strange, not a part of their clan.

In silence I watch as night falls on the forest below.
Shadows come crawling out beneath every tree
And in darkness a slight apprehension tugs on my heart.
The knowledge that I must face my worst enemy.

Images of my past life flood my mind.
Visions, voices, feelings all too intense.
I thrash about wildly as the memories take hold,
And the emotions are devastating, leaving me without a defense.

But they are just memories,
They don't dictate what I am today.
Or what I will become.
I have to make them go away.

Like a bad dream the visions persist
Threatening to rip my soul in two.
But I've glimpsed the world and I yearn to see what lies beyond.
I've been given another chance at life and I know what I must do.

All the strength within me rises as I open my wings
And shoot into the sky.
Just enjoying the feeling, the freedom
Of being up so high.

My life had been filled with much uncertainty,
Anger, sorrow, even hate.
I feel the trepidation that in doing this I might forget the way her smile looked…
But to claim the future I must purge the past, thus is my fate.

So I begin to immolate.

I rise.
Empowered by the thought of what awaits,
Not turning back.
No more hiding, no more swimming, no longer waiting for the storm to abate.

It begins as tiny embers
And a mirage of heat.
And I let it happen,
Thinking of neither victory nor defeat.

Fire engulfs my body
And my wings become a dazzling blaze.
So glorious and brilliant,
Like dancing beneath the sun's beautiful rays.

The conflagration intensifies
As a sudden passion inside awakes.
My deepest desires are just within my reach.
I am free to live a life without regrets, free to make mistakes.

All of my fears and doubts melt away
My limitations, weaknesses and the painful memories fade too.
I am a phoenix. Unrestrained.
Ascending above the ashes of the world I once knew.

It is like a dance,
Elegant and purifying, my body feels light.
As I twist and writhe to the melody of the inferno
My feathers float to the ground and the forest ignites.

Bliss washes over me
And my aura brightens the pre-dawn sky.
Jubilation and triumph take hold as I shriek to the heavens.
A new life forged in fire, all that's left is to die.

Slowly, inexorably
As the dance wears on.
I can feel it fast approaching
But I welcome it. It's not the end but a new beginning to build upon.

The feathers float from my body and
One by one I lose my nine majestic tails.
In the ecstasy of rebirth I erupt in flames
Fearless, for I know destiny always prevails.

A tear rolls
From my eye for the life I just lost.
But a smile forms on my beak for the power I am going to attain,
I regret not. It is well worth the cost.

I fall.
In a blaze of glory, straight for the charred earth.
Ashes fly as the sun begins to rise
And an egg descends in my place, awaiting rebirth.

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Dragon

I emerge.
Free of the mortal shell that held me captive.
Free of my egg.
The sun dances upon my scales
In golden resplendence.
I have been reborn.

At a whim wings burst forth
And I take to the sky
The way I was born to.
An exhalation produces fire
A brilliant aura envelops me
And I watch the world move according to each desire.

My eyes perceive everything
With such clarity
It's as if I'm gazing upon the world
For the very first time.
Its beauty captivates me.
And I let out a wild cry in my jubilation.

My cry shreds the heavens
And all of the creatures below call back to me.
They call me master.
Not in the sense that I lord over them,
Because I feel equal to them -- connected to them.
They call me master because I have become the master of my own destiny.

I am the one who chases the stars.
No longer bound by my former earthen shackles.
An inextinguishable flame lives inside me.
It burns away doubt, worry, sorrow , fear, strife.
All I feel now is the excitement each day brings, and the sun against my back,
All I feel now is life.

The night comes
But my aura doesn't fade.
With the moon comes the wonder and the mysteries of the dark.
Perched on a rock I watch the tide rise and fall.
The waves stirring, pulsing at my command.
I watch my will manifest under the mystical glow of the moon.

I become as somber and serene
As the night itself.
As I reflect back on my journey,
My evolution, my ascendance to this state.
I meditate too on the future, the things that have yet to pass
And smile, at the same time lost completely in the moment.

My eyes blaze to life
As the orange rays of dawn
Paint the sky.
I rise to greet the morning
Enchanted by this new day.
And join in the chorus of creatures that too rise early.

I witness life unfolding beneath as I soar.
I watch ants dutifully marching, bringing food to their queen.
I watch a group of wild horses share their morning meal, grazing together.
I watch several generations of elephant proceed in a line towards the watering hole.
And I wonder
What is there for me?

I am a rare breed,
Alone.
Yet I yearn to be a part of a community,
To have a family.
To have a mate.
Am I destined to cruise the skies in solitude for all eternity?

I smile at my curiosity,
So very much like a child's
Yes, a child. I am but a child.
Born into this life only a day ago.
Despite my infinite power,
I have yet much to learn.

I have the power to make real my thoughts and desires
And I do not desire to be alone.
I can't be the only one of my kind.
I glide on an updraft
And float on the back of a cloud.
Relaxing, letting my imagination run wild.

So much to see of the world,
So much to do.
Still so much to learn.
I spread my regal wings
Floating softly down.
Stopping to drink from a lake.

I ponder
As I lap up the crystalline water with my tongue.
I will explore this world and learn all that I can.
I will overcome any obstacles that I face.
I will create a rich and fulfilling life for myself.
And my aura will never fade.

I gaze upon my reflection through the water
Before I take off once again.
I am mighty, immaculate, immortal,
I am living energy, I am a symbol of courage.
Two powerful legs propel me into the air and I spread my wings to ride the winds of life.
I am a Dragon.