Eye-Max

  6.  A blind person's guide dog begins speaking to him/her when they are alone.

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Eye-Max

By Indelibleink

“Good boy, Max, good boy.” Phineas Peppers bent down and gave his pair of eyes a dog biscuit and a pat on the head. They had crossed 43rd and Vine once again without incident. This is how it had gone for years now, although Phineas was always apprehensive about negotiating the busy thoroughfare, even with a guide dog. Rush hour in this city brought out all of the crazies: drivers who cruised through red lights, who turned right on red without stopping, who turned left on red without stopping, who even forgot to turn anywhere on red without stopping, and that was the local police we were talking about there! Lord only knows, the other drivers were much worse!  So, whenever Phineas touched the curb with his walking stick after crossing this intersection, he'd always felt a major sense of relief.

“Hello, Mr. Peppers. Hello, Max. How are you two fine gentlemen doing this beautiful morning?” It was Mrs. Mussels, who always greeted them with the same question every morning for, oh, about a million years now. Mrs. Mussels, a widow, (who had hated her given name, Zebra), always seemed to have a more than cursory interest in Phineas, even prior to the accident.

“Max and I are doing spectacular, Zebbie, and thank you for asking.” Phineas, typically not one who liked to be outdone (or underdone, for that matter), was insistent upon answering Zebbie in exactly the same fashion. Heck, if she was going to exhibit the same level of creativity as might be expected from a gnat, well then, Phineas could play that game, too! And, Zebbie had been quite a looker too, prior to the accident, anyway, as far as Phineas could recall.

Phineas and Max continued on their way to work, which was radio station WSEE, where Phineas was the morning traffic reporter. Now, at first glance, it might appear a bit strange to the layman that a blind person would be doing traffic updates, featuring statements such as, “Everything looks good on I-63; and elsewhere, I see no tie-ups or slow-downs to speak of, either.” In fact, it might still appear strange after the second and third glances, too.  But, here’s the thing: they always say that when a person loses one of their primary senses, the other remaining ones become stronger to help counter-balance the one lost. Ant that’s just what happened with Phineas – his hearing became so sharp that he could listen to the traffic reports on other radio stations simultaneously, and organize and relay the traffic without even one other traffic report employee. Granted, it may have been just a bit unethical, but just think how much they saved on their traffic budget – not to mention what they saved on helicopters!

And so that’s how it was with Phineas after the accident. Ah, yes, the accident. It was Christmas eve, 2006, and Phineas had consumed just a wee too many Long Island Iced Teas at the WSEE annual Christmas party. Phineas thought it would be a real hoot to climb the huge mound of dirt at the construction site next door and look for Santa & his reindeer. In his inebriated state, he failed to notice that the construction crew was still working that day. Anyway, when he got to the summit, he decided to go all Leonardo DiCaprio: Spread his arms and shout, “I’m the king of the world.” Unfortunately, right about mid-sentence, he was clocked right in the noggin by a giant wrecking ball. The doctors said it was a miracle that he survived, but the price Phineas paid for his life to be spared was substantial: his eyesight.

Obviously, the first thing Phineas needed to facilitate the adjustment to a life without sight was the acquisition of a sight-dog. Enter Max! Fresh out of the Seeing Eye Dog Academy – Totally Expensive Dogs (or SEDATED), Maximus Visionus, (or Max), was a well-mannered two year-old German Shepherd who was a great companion to Phineas: always eager to please with a seemingly very real concern for the safety of his master. The two hit it off immediately and were always in concert when Max was leading the way.

Phineas was always bothered deeply by what had occurred four years earlier – that he had been so stupid and ultimately had paid dearly for his actions. Consequently, he felt he had to go back to the site (the hill was still there since financing for the construction had fallen through due to the weak economy) and confront his fears.

That day, after his work at WSEE was complete, Phineas and Max returned to the mound. Phineas had a perfect image of that hill forever imprinted in his memory – the hill that had cost him his sight. Although it hadn’t been touched by the construction crew since the accident, nature had made some subtle changes to the hill, so it was fortunate that Max was leading the way. Once near the top, Phineas felt compelled to go DiCaprio again, so he spread his arms and shouted, “I’m king of the idiots.” As luck would have it, and unbeknown to Phineas, there was a guy down at the base of the hill with his golf clubs and was working on his uphill chipping game.

As it turned out, the golfer’s game was not very good, as he was sending some real shots off of his nine-iron. Just as Phineas was completing his stint as amateur actor, Max noted a laser shot of a golf ball screaming towards Phineas’s head. Like any good seeing-eye/pal/friend/bodyguard would do, Max jumped up to take the shot with his body. Unfortunately, the guy had a slice that was worse than Max had figured, so the shot caught Max right in the side of the head, and he immediately fell limp to the ground, which, as you’ll recall, was sloped. As a result, he began to slide down the hill. And, since Phineas was holding the leash that was attached to Max’s harness, Phineas went tumbling after. (Reminds me of a nursery rhyme).

Two hours later, in the veterinarian’s office, Nurse Ralston finally came out of the examination room. “Mr. Peppers, it looks like Max is going to be okay. There was a little swelling of the brain initially, but that has dissipated and Max is up and moving just fine now. You can see him – oops – I mean, you can get him in about 10 minutes after the doctor checks just a couple more things.”

Phineas was elated by the news. “Thank you so, so much, Nurse Ralston. I don’t think I could ever have forgiven myself had something happened to Max. You’re sure he’ll be able to walk home?”

“Oh yes…absolutely. Everything looks fine, and his tail is just wagging like crazy!”

“Fan-freaking-tastic!”

Shortly thereafter, out came Dr. Purina with Max, who immediately went over and began feverishly licking Phineas’s face (We’re talking about Max – not Dr. Purina here). Anyway, Purina came up next to Phineas and whispered, “Mr. Peppers, did Max always bark with a ‘regular’ sound or was his bark a bit ‘unusual’ to you?”

“It was just like any other Shepherd’s bark. Why?”

“Because, I had to give Max a shot to help reduce the brain swelling. Normally, most dogs respond with either a yelp or a bark or a growl.  When Max responded, it sounded more like an ‘ouch’, more like I used to hear in pediatrics before I lost - I mean chose to give up – my ‘people doctor’s’ license. It’s probably nothing, but let us know if it continues.”

”Absolutely, Dr. Ralston, and thank you.”

With that, Phineas and Max exited the office to begin the journey home, which was about seven or eight blocks from the Vet’s office.

“Max, I was so worried about you. I was terrified that you were a goner. I’m just so relieved that you’re still with me.”

“Well, then it wouldn’t kill you to spring for a cab, there, Phinny. I’m still woozy, you know…”

Phineas stopped cold in his tracks, and turned slowly in a circle, listening intently for the voice again. “Who said that? Come on. Make yourself be known.”

“Hey! I thought being blind was supposed to make your hearing better. News flash: I’m down here, Miracle Ear!”

Sure enough, the voice was coming from the vicinity of where Max used to be, but this just couldn’t be happening, could it? “Charlie, is that you who’s doing this? Are you back on the ventriloquism thing again? Kudos, my friend, you’re getting pretty good at it! Okay, Charlie, it was funny, but we’ve had a very long day.”

“Okay, Phinny, you leave me no choice. Hear my words: I am going to bite you. I’m going to bite your leg. Would Charlie do that, even for a laugh?” With that, Max bit down onto Phineas’s right leg, and gave a gentle but firm, squeeze.

“Ouch. Max! what’s the matter with you? Bad dog!”

“Hold on there, pal. It’s more like: Phinny! What’s the matter with you? Bad listener!”

Bent over to massage his slightly aching ankle, Phineas could feel Max’s breath on his face as he spoke. It was the dog! This was completely insane! “Max, what happened? How is it you can talk to me?”

“If you go way, waaaaaaaaaay back in time, a whole three hours or so, you’ll remember that the resident golf pro nailed me with one of his more errant shots. I think that had something to do with it. And, you know…that has me thinking. You’re off of work, tomorrow, right?”

“Well, yes, but why?”

“Don’t make any plans – I have an idea.”

The next day arrived, as it tends to, and the morning found Max and Phineas back at the construction site. Max looked up at Phineas. “Wait here…I have to check something.”

“Yeah, like I was going to go catch a movie or buy a magazine.”

About 90 seconds later, Max was back. “Yep, the Golf Guru is back at it again. Okay, Phinny. I want you to scale Mount Everest here again – just like we did yesterday.”

“Then what?”

“Then we wait. Think of it as a seeing-eye-stake-out of sorts.”

Phineas protested. “Nothing good has happened up on that mound: I almost got killed; you almost got killed. What are you hoping for, that I go up and finish the job?”

“Not at all, Phinny. I’m just testing a theory. Now, get your posterior up Boot Hill, and relax.”

And up Phineas went. When he reached the summit, he shouted, "Now what?"

Max replied, "Be patient, Phinny, be patient."

It wasn't long before the resident golf pro was sending rockets up the hill, some narrowly missing Phineas. Finally, Phineas got creamed by laser shot that ricocheted off of Phineas's head, just below his left temple. Down he went in a heap; eventually rolling slowly down the hill and stopping just short of Max's paws.

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Three days later, Phineas and Max were sitting in the living room. Phineas laughed and said, "You know, Max, that was one heck of a chance you took. I might have been killed."

Max laughed and replied, "I got the gift of speech that way, so, heck, I took a shot. Didn't know if it would work or not."

Phineas replied, "So...what do you want to do?"

"Let's check out TV Land on the new flat screen you bought yesterday."

Phineas looked down at his remote, powered up the TV, and changed the channel. "Anything you want to see in particular?"

"I understand there's a Mr. Ed marathon on tonight. The whole premise is ridiculous - it revolves around a horse that talks only to his owner. Might be good for a few laughs, though."

"I'll go make some popcorn. A talking horse...completely ludicrous. How dumb do they think we are?"

The two pals laughed hysterically...   

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word count:  1984