Letter to a Friend in Trouble

Dear Little Hawk,

Most of the emails I get are so boring, just nothing going on, then I received yours and I sit up and take notice. The reason I say that is I have gone through the same things with both of my kids. They have gone three and four months before emailing or calling, but at least it isn't the turmoil and heartache it used to be. Before that we've always had an on-again-off-again relationship. I used to think it was me, but I decided that I had tried all I'm going to try. I left it all up to them. My daughter and son aren't talking to each other and it's been that way for two years now. My daughter, like myself, used to carry my son through all his emotional highs and lows, but he always took advantage and has always been ungrateful for the hard times he put everyone through. Plus my son has this nasty habit of playing head games with both me and his sister. He would make up stuff that I'd said and tell her, then turn around and tell me things that she had supposedly said. We found him out and...well, it wasn't a pretty picture.

That's all in the past. Generally, I've learned to live my own life and not to worry about what they do. Here's why. If I try to please them, it works for a little while, then something I did or didn't do sets them off and they're in a snit and won't communicate. If I ignore them, they are usually the ones who contact me. The trick is not to expect anything at all from them, so that when they let you down (and they will), then you won't be so disappointed.

I know it's heartbreaking to watch them alienate themselves from you, but that's the natural way of things. Megan has to express herself, and if in the process, she falls from grace, that's for her to experience. If she has good character, she'll come around some day and see the mess she's made of her life. As a parent, you've done about all you can do. Now she's in God's hands. All you can do is to be there for her when she finally realizes the error of her ways and comes to you for advice. When she wants help, she'll ask. When she does, go full bore and get her into a rehab clinic so fast her head will spin. But, she has to ask.

Think about the relationship you had with your father. You were very close with him, but from what I could tell, sort of lukewarm toward your mother. This may not be appropriate for me to ask, but do you think she went through some of what you are going through right now? And aren't you closer to mother now? Be patient. It'll happen with your kids too.

I can tell you this from the time I've known you: you are a good person. You are very resourceful, intelligent, and always land on your feet. I've always admired you as a person who first imagines something, then having confidence in your own abilities, goes ahead and takes the action necessary to accomplish what you had imagined.

The bible (Ecclesiastics) tells us that there is a time and a season for everything. This is the season for your children to try and succeed or fail, to search and to find or not find, to struggle with their inner demons, and to fail, or overcome. There will come a time when they will have come full circle and return to you and if you welcome them with open arms, you will be friends again.

Trust in God. The power of prayer can heal all things. Suffer this time in silence, but ask God for guidance and peace of mind and you will receive those things. Observe how this is all playing out and, again I say, have patience. Never doubt yourself or how you may have failed in bringing them up. You were, after all, guided by God the whole time. If you need to blame anyone, blame Him. "What?" you say. "Never!"

Well, if you won't blame him, and he was your guide (whether you knew it or not), then why would you blame yourself?

Your peace of mind is here and now. It's not something that you would have to wait for, or wish for in some far distant future, for if you wait for the right moment, you'll never attain it. You'll always be waiting for just the right stars to align, or just the right attitude from all your children and grandchildren. You'd be setting yourself up for a life of stress and troubles. Don't wait for anyone or anything to bring you peace of mind. Start this instant and determine that you are going to create your own peace of mind, anytime you want.

You have the perfect attitude to succeed too! I've seen how you enjoy the natural wonders of the stars, the mountains, the ocean, bluegrass music, animals, children, etc. You are attuned with your Native American roots. Remember, you are Little Hawk who can freely soar to the heights and observe the world below her.

Remember Ecclisiastics where it tells us that all things man attempts to do is vanity. Any time that we humans think we can do anything that God hasn't already done, we are being foolish. We cannot think of nor can we create anything that is new to God. To think that our problems are unique is to be vain. All of us go through good times and bad. It's up to us whether we end up feeling we are alone in our misery, feeling sorry for ourselves; or do we give it all over to God and decide once and for all to make up our minds to be happy. It's what Jesus advised so many times: "Those who believe unto me will have life ever after." Who could worry after knowing that?

Read Mark 13:12: "Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

These words are good words to know and keep deep in our minds and hearts, but out in the open, they cause strife and even terror to those who don't understand the Bible. As Christians, it is not our duty to go about scaring the life out of our children and others. There are gentler and kinder ways of saying the same thing. Wisdom is silent for it is within us, not blurted out in public.

At this time in their lives, your children's eyes and ears have been sealed by God. He has not condemned them, he is testing them. But as the mother of children approaching middle age themselves, you cannot do anything to change their minds or their hearts. All you can do is hold what you believe in your heart and pray and know that at some time in the future they will come to realize their foolishness and be welcomed back into the fold.

Look, you are content and happy in your belief and you want to shout it out on the roof tops. I understand. But, just as you are so excited about your Christian love for God, so is the Muslim extremists love for God. The difference now is that they are willing to kill and to die for their beliefs. Are we reverting to the 11th century Crusades where Christians and Muslims killed each other on sight? I think that is what turns people off about ANYONE who have such strong religious convictions. It's really quite scary for some people to hear people spontaneously profess their love for God in public. I think that I read somewhere that if you have a deep religious belief that, unless you are an ordained minister, you should do your praying in a closet. Then again, there's the advice to "shout it from the rooftops." So, I don't really know where to draw the line...except that if it is so off-putting to your children, maybe you should consider toning it down somewhat.

I want to leave you with this thought: Nothing you can do or say is going to earn you a free pass to Heaven. Our salvation comes by God's Grace. We don't earn it; we can't do or say anything that will make a difference in whether we go to Hell or to Heaven. Jesus died so that those who believe on Him receive that Grace as a gift from God. It cannot be earned. It's as simple as that; if you have delivered your message to people and they reject it, what did Jesus advice? He advised to "turn your back on Satan and shake the dust from your shoes." Otherwise you may be influenced and lose your salvation. There is no requirement to browbeat people into believing on Jesus, so if that is what you are doing, I'd say you are not taking the advice of Jesus and may be causing more problems than you are solving.

Now, as far as the rental project: If you can live comfortably in the space you have left, then yes, I'd say go ahead with the project. I remember when I first met Kim she was renting rooms to Marines in a big house that she was renting. It had five bedrooms and she was renting by the month. I think each room was renting for the amount of the monthly rent for the entire house. When I first moved to Durham, I lived in a house that was renting rooms by the month until Kim could sell the house in Havelock. So yes, there will always be a call for rentals, HOWEVER, I must say that today, one has to be discreet about who one rents to, especially on a monthly basis. So many people, both young and old, are using drugs today that it's no longer the world we grew up in, Cecilia. That's all I'm going to say on the matter. Other than that, if you feel comfortable about it, do it. If not, DON'T.

Please think about what I wrote you and let me know what you think. Your life-long friend, Lynn

"Things work out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." -- Coach John Wooden