the Adventures of Julian Winters

Thank you Mynt for the Awardicon!

Fallen angels in the night and everyone is barred from Heaven
Just one more hit to make it right but every one turns into seven
Now that it's snowing in your brain another ten will not placate you
This ain't no killer for the pain this avalanche will suffocate you

You can run but you can't hide because no one here gets out alive
Find a friend in whom you can rely
Julien, you're being taken for a ride
“Julien” © Placebo, 2009

Alexei "X" Winters and the Enforcers conceived and © Mynt
Further adventures can be found at "The Enforcers" 
Houston "Tony" Sinclair © Quaddy
Lana Pope © Wenston
Mercy © LdyPhoenix - Lost in the mire.

“You are under arrest for illegal exsanguinations and murder,” he said.

“Fuck you, you self righteous prick.” She twisted in his arms, trying to break free of the iron grip forcing her down across her own kitchen counter. Her door hung off its hinges where he had bashed it open to get in. His arm hit a coffee mug and it skittered off onto the floor where it broke and shattered. “Let me go you fucking asshole. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

He sighed. They all said that.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be held against you in a court of law.” He didn’t break stride, wrenching her arms behind her back as he fastened the cuffs around them.

“Oh yeah, you’re the fucking hero saving the day from the big bad vampire.”

He pulled her upright, shoving her towards the door. She stumbled and almost fell on the carpet, but the strong hand around her arm kept her upright. “You have the right to an attorney,” he told her. He didn’t know why he had to say that, or why fucking vampires were granted attorneys. He didn’t understand why they couldn’t just burn the fuckers at the stake like they would’ve two hundred years ago. “If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the court.”

“I’m not sorry,” she said abruptly, whirling on him. “If you think arresting me is going to make me feel guilty, like I’ve broken the law, you can just go fuck yourself.” She stood up on her toes facing him and her teeth glittered in the light. “I bet you didn’t arrest the fucking assholes that burnt down my house with my daughter inside.”

He sighed, grabbing her arm and twisting her back around. “If you filed a report I’m sure one of our squads looked into it.”

She laughed. “Nothing left to look into, Enforcer. I already took care of it.”

He snorted, shoving her through the remains of her doorway. He tried not to think about how normal her apartment looked. He didn’t look at the pictures she kept on the coffee table or the curtains she’d hung in the window. He didn’t care, and even if he had, his skin was starting to itch and his hands were starting to shake and he wanted to get this bitch down to the station.

“Well, that little speech probably just bought you a life sentence. Congratulations,” he told her as he manhandled her into the elevator.

She glanced over at him, her eyes dark. She grinned a little, baring her teeth.

“Good thing I have a couple of them.”

×××

Julia called while he was just wrapping the rubber tube around his arm.

He sighed, setting the syringe on the table and picking up his cell phone. He stared at it, not wanting to answer it because he already knew how this conversation was going to go. They’d been having them more and more frequently lately and he didn’t fucking feel like fighting right now because he was two seconds away from the high of his life and she was fucking calling him to ask when he was coming home.

Mikey glanced up at him from across the table, the white baggies lying in between them. “You want me to get that, bro?”

Jade shook his head and then flipped open the phone. “Hey babe,” he said.

“Hey Jade,” she said, and he could tell by the tone of her voice she was already looking for a fight. He could already predict the next words out of her mouth and he rolled his eyes when they came because it was the only fucking question she asked him anymore. “When are you going to be home?”

He sighed into the phone and rubbed his dark hair. His hands were starting to shake and the syringe was right there in front of him. “I don’t know Jules. We’re really swamped here at work. They’ve got Mikey and I staying late to fill out some paperwork and I don’t if Sergeant Virgil will let us go when we’re done with that. Things have been really shitty lately, I told you that. We’ve got vampires coming out of our asses.”

“Yeah, you said that last time Jade. If you’re fucking lying to me, I swear…”

“I’m not, babe, I promise.” He sighed again and his hand rubbed across his face, feeling stubble rasp at his skin. “Let me make it up to you, okay? I’ve got some time this weekend, I’ll take you to that Italian place, okay?”

She was quiet for a long time. He knew what she was thinking. She was wondering if he was lying, but wasn’t quite sure enough to call him on it, and she was thinking that he was probably going to blow her off again because that’s what he’d done the last three times. They’d had this fight a million times and if the sex wasn’t so great he would have gotten the hell out of Dodge a long time ago. He had a brother that called and asked him where he was and if he was high again. He didn’t need it from his girlfriend too.

“Alright,” she finally said. “But I swear, you better not being lying to me again, Jade. I can’t take much more of this.”

“I know Jules,” he said. “I’ll talk to you later babe.”

He snapped the phone shut and tossed it on the table, his fingers already pulling the syringe towards him. Mikey was laughing, shaking his head. “The fuck’s your problem?” Jade asked him. He popped the plastic lid off the needle with a practiced ease and then he was sliding it home in his veins and emptying China White into his system.

“She’s like your mom sometimes, bro,” he said, and now he was slumping back in the couch because he was laughing so hard. “Dude, it’s like you’re fucking your mom.”

“Go to hell you stupid shit,” Jade said, snapping the rubber tube off his arm. “It’s better than fucking your mom.”

Mikey never stopped laughing, and now he was clutching his sides. “Hey, if you can keep it up, go for it. The old bitch needs to get laid. Maybe it would loosen her up a little.”

“You’re fucking sick,” Jade told him.

Then he was laughing too.

×××

He was fucking flying.

At some point he called his brother. “I love you, Alexei,” he said. He was crying. He didn’t know when that had started. He tried to roll over and it ended with him falling off the floor and hitting the ground with a thump. He heard Mikey laughing at him but he didn’t care. “I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up.”

“Go fuck yourself, Julian,” his brother said.

Then the phone went dead.

×××

“Attention everyone,” his Sergeant was saying.

He stood up by the bar, his wife next to him with her hand wrapped in his and a glass of wine in his other. What kind of fucking pussy bitch drank wine at his own party? Jade shook his head, drinking half his beer in one swallow and wishing he had a cigarette.

Word had come in that the old bastard was getting bumped up to Commander, so now the fucking anal retentive asshole was in charge of the whole damn show. Someone had come up with the brilliant idea to have an office party at the old pub and Jade wished that person a slow and painful death. “I would like to thank you all for coming here, and for helping me fight the good fight for all these years. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have shared all these memories with each one of you.”

“Then for the love of God, don’t,” Mikey said next to him, hiding behind his beer.

Jade bit back a laugh. He scratched at his arm and he felt the tiny scab reopen under his fingers. He was still high, but it was starting to wear off a little and he wasn’t ready for it to. He was going to have to run to the bathroom at some point because there was no way he was going to sit through this whole bullshit ceremony without another hit.

“So I’ll just say, thank you. And since you’re all here, I might as well announce it officially, Tony Sinclair will be taking over as the new Sergeant in charge of Epsilon squadron.” He motioned at the girl, who barely flinched at the attention. Her boyfriend had his arm around her waist but his grin was strained as he gave her a comforting squeeze. She smiled and looked down into her drink but she looked like someone had just fucking poisoned her.

Mikey nudged him in the ribs. “Check out the old man’s mustache.”

Jade looked up at the new Commander.

Mikey was snickering next to him. “Get the guy a cigar and he could pass for fucking Groucho Marx up there. It’s like a Godzilla size caterpillar crawled aboard and fell asleep on his face.” Jade covered his mouth with a fist and tried to pass the laugh off as a cough because all he could picture now was a caterpillar climbing up his commander’s face.

“You’re a dick, Mikey,” he said.

“Yeah well, I’m the dick that keeps bringing in Christmas,” he said with a grin, patting his pocket where a little baggie of heroin was stashed securely away. Jade licked his lips and tried to drink his beer but his mouth had gone dry and he was about ready to reload on that beautiful white stuff that kept him fucking flying through the day. “Jesus,” Mikey said, slapping his arm and motioning across the room. “Check out the new girl.”

He glanced across to the bar, his fingers scratching at the little hole in his arm. His eyes landed on a little brunette thing that was smiling and clapping with the rest of the fucking crowd. She was cute though. He frowned and tried to remember her name, but he had a hard time remembering the rookies.

“Dude,” he said, shaking his head. “Who fucking cares? Let’s just go get loaded.”

Mikey laughed, slapping him on the shoulder as he stood up.

“You’re such a fucking junkie, Jade.”

×××

Her name was Roxanne and Jade fucking hated her.

He was slouched in the arm chair with a cigarette hanging from his lips and a fresh pinprick in his arm. Mikey was letting her in the door and he felt his buzz starting to die down already because she was a vampire. He hated vampires. He didn’t care if that was where Mikey got half his drugs from. His hand came up to rub the scar on his neck and he glared across the room at her.

“The fuck, Mikey?” he asked, knocking ash off the end of his cigarette.

“Dude, she’s Mrs. Clause. Be nice,” he said over his shoulder.

“Only if Mrs. Clause suddenly became a cracked out stripper,” he grumbled.

“Yes,” Roxanne said. She grinned and held up a little gift baggie off white that she had brought with her. “Be nice to Mrs. Clause, or she’ll start bringing you coal instead of snow.” He sighed and flipped his phone open, suddenly wanting to be anywhere else.

Then he saw the symbol in the corner of his phone. Five missed calls and two voicemails and he felt his stomach drop when he realized who they were from. It pissed him off because he was supposed to be floating on the ceiling right now and between the vampire and Mikey and all the calls from Julia he was getting mad and it was ruining his high. “Shit,” he snarled, glancing up. “Mikey, what day is it?”

He laughed, slumping down on the couch with the vampire next to him. “It’s Sunday, bro.”

She was rolling up his sleeves for him and starting to get her white Christmas ready for him and Jade took another heavy drag on his cigarette. He knew what was going to happen next and it made him sick every time Mikey pulled this shit. He was a fucking mule for vampires to get their laced blood, as long as they kept it laced for him.

“I gotta go,” he said, snuffing out the cigarette in his ash tray. “Jules is going to be fucking pissed.”

Mikey laughed at him again, pulling the lid off the syringe. “Have fun fucking your mom.”

“Yeah,” he snorted, pulling his boots on. There was blood trickling down the inside of his arm and he ignored it, rolling the sleeves back down over his arms. If Jules saw them she wouldn’t wait for his explanation, she would kick him out on the street and dump his stuff out their second floor window. “Have fun getting fucked by Mrs. Clause.”

Mikey was grinning, his head falling back against the couch. “I always do.”

×××

She threw one of his boots across the room and it hit him right on the forehead.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Jules!” He shouted, holding a hand to his head. He could already feel the bump under his fingers, but at least he wasn’t bleeding. She was hauling back to throw the other boot at him but he made it across the room before she could, catching her around the wrist. “What the fuck is your problem?” he snapped. His head was still swimming and he was a little dizzy from the heroin still in his system but damn the woman was sobering him up fast.

“My problem?” she snarled, ripping her arm out of his grasp. She pushed him away and she looked like she wanted to hit him. Her hands were clenched into fists at her side and her knuckles were turning white. “You’re my fucking problem Julian Winters! Where’ve you been for the last three days?”

“I told you babe,” he said. He ran a hand through his hair. “I was with Mikey.”

This time she did hit him, and he felt her fist graze his jaw once before he caught her flailing arms. She was crying, tears streaming down her face and he wondered why she cared so fucking much. “Of course you were! Out with fucking Mikey getting loaded. You’re such a fucking asshole Jade.”

He didn’t let go of her when she tried to pull her hands back because he didn’t want her fucking hitting him again. She yanked at him and his fingers curled punishingly around her skin. He didn’t care that he was probably bruising her because he was pissed that she had hit him in the head with his goddamn boots and pissed that his jaw was starting to hurt already. The girl could throw a punch, he’d give her that. “We were working Jules, how many times do I have to fucking tell you that?”

There was a snarl curling her lips up and she tried to hit him again even though he was still holding her arms. “Sure asshole. That’s why X called here twice looking for you, right? Because you were working?”

He felt a chill settle over him and by now there was nothing left of his buzz. “Alexei called here?”

“Yeah,” she snarled. “So try again. Where the fuck have you been for the last three days?”

“Fuck you Jules, you’re not my fucking mother.” He shoved her away, not caring when her hip hit the table and she barely kept herself from falling to the ground. Her eyes were red and he heard a strangled sob escape her throat. Then her eyes narrowed again and she grabbed a bowl off the table, throwing it at him.

“I hate you,” she said. “I fucking hate you so much.”

The tears were screwing with her aim. The bowl shattered on the wall behind him, shards of porcelain clattering to the hardwood floor. At least she was persistent because she tried again with the mug and then a plate and then she was just throwing whatever she could find at him and he was getting sick of dodging and getting sick of being hit and sick of her fucking yelling at him.

“Jesus fucking Christ Jules, stop fucking hitting me,” he snapped, grabbing her hand as she pulled back to throw a vase with wilted flowers in it. It fell from her fingers and broke on the table, water and bits of rotted lilies washing to the floor.

“Show me your arms Jade,” she said, and she was just crying now. She didn’t even look mad anymore.

He snorted at her. “You can suck my dick if you think you can just order me around like that.”

The anger was back in a second and she was twisting in his arms just like that fucking vampire and he bet if she had fangs she would be using on them now because her eyes were dark with anger and her face was a mask of pain and rage. He could see dark bruises on her arms and he didn’t even care. “I can suck your dick? Fuck you Jade, you can suck your own dick from now on. Get your shit and get the fuck out of my apartment you druggie asshole.”

He shoved her back and didn’t even care when she hit the ground with a soft cry. His hand was still wrapped around her arm and he squeezed it punishingly as he stood over her. “Fuck you, you stupid bitch,” he snarled. “You think you’re fucking perfect? You think you’re a fucking saint? You’re the one who let me fuck you the same day I met you.”

She was sobbing now. “And you’ve been fucking me ever since.”

He released her arm and started throwing his things in a bag. He didn’t look at her again and she didn’t move from the floor. She stared at the ground, covering her mouth with one hand while she cried.

He slammed the door on his way out.

×××

It was raining when he showed up at his apartment.

Of course it was. It always fucking rained when things went bad.

He stood on the welcome mat for a long time, shifting the weight from one foot to the other and trying to think of anywhere else he could go. He could stay with Mikey, but he didn’t want to be in the asshole’s house right now with that damn vampire sucking the blood out of his friend and sucking god knows what else for him. He didn’t understand how he could willingly offer himself up to a monster like that.

He smoked two cigarettes before chucking them in the garbage and knocking on the door. He knew Alexei was going to be pissed enough when he smelled the smoke, but at least he wouldn’t see it. He scratched at his arms and wondered if Roxanne was out of the apartment yet.

He knew he was in trouble when Alexei opened the door.

His face immediately fell into a frozen mask of disgust and anger and Jade swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. Of course he had to be sober for this. It would be so much easier if he had a hit of China White in his system, but even a hint of it on his face and Alexei would be slamming the door on him and then he could just sleep in the rain for all his brother would care. “Hey X,” he said, looking down at his boots. He scrubbed mud off on the welcome mat and tried not to look at his brother’s face.

“Jules kicked me out.”

He heard his brother snort. “So? What the fuck do you want from me?”

He bit his lip and looked up at him with his best kicked puppy face. He hated asking for shit like this, hated asking anything from Alexei because he’d already taken too much and he was a goddamn junkie and a fuck up and his brother deserved better. He knew it, X knew it, and here he was asking for it anyway.

“Can I stay with you for a couple of nights?” he asked softly.

His brother crossed his arms in front of his chest.

At first Jade thought he was going to say no. That’s what he would have done if he were in Alexei’s shoes. Over a decade of this shit already, of the drugs and the fuck-ups and Jade just kept scrambling down the same path over and over again. He was surprised he wasn’t dead yet, and he was pretty sure if it weren’t for X he would be. He bit his lip and looked back down at his boots and kicked at the doormat again.

He heard his brother sigh and when he looked up at him he was scrubbing a hand through his dark hair. He was looking at the ground and then he closed his eyes and shook his head like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Fine,” he said. “But only for a couple of nights. And there’s one condition.”

Jade scratched at his arm. “What’s the condition?”

“Empty your pockets.”

He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and he almost told his brother to go fuck himself because he could feel the tiny baggie of heroin burning a whole in his pocket. He knew what Alexei was going to do when he found it because he’d done it before a hundred times and they kept coming back to this same old place.

He emptied his pockets into his brother’s hand. He didn’t follow him when he went into the bathroom and flushed his drugs down the toilet but he fidgeted with his lighter and he was wondering again if Roxanne was still at the apartment. He glanced up when his brother came out of the bathroom and his eyes were as hard as chips of ice. He held out an open palm to Jade. “Give me the cigarettes,” he said.

He looked up at his brother, trying not to seem too desperate. “Can I keep them? I promise I won’t smoke in the house.”

Alexei rolled his eyes. “Fine. But you’re sleeping on the couch.”

His brother walked into the apartment and left the door open behind him. Jade chewed on his lip and tried not to feel like such a piece of shit, but he did anyway. “Hey X?” he said. He dumped his bag next to the couch, where his brother was starting to toss pillows aside and spread out a blanket.

“Yeah, Jade?” he said, not looking at him.

“Thanks.”

×××

He woke up at midnight sweating his ass off.

He grabbed the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and then stumbled to the bathroom. His hands were shaking as he shut the door, sliding the lock closed and hoping his brother didn’t have to take a piss in the middle of the night. He opened the pack of cigarettes and pulled out the syringe he’d stashed in there and the tiny baggie next to it.

He used his lighter to melt it and then he was pushing the needle into his vein and his hand was feeling a lot steadier already. He flushed the baggie he’d kept it in down the toilet and stashed the needle back in his cigarette pack.

He just needed a little pick me up. He just needed enough to make it through the next day.

Fuck it; while he was here he might as well have a smoke too.

He watched his eyes as the tendrils of smoke curled up around his face and they just looked fucking empty. He felt guilt settling in the bottom of his stomach. If Alexei found out about this he would probably never talk to him again. He would kick him out of the apartment, maybe even call their new Sergeant, and then he’d be in for a fun ride while he detoxed in solitary.

He swore he saw it the instant his pupils dilated and a quiet snow began to fall around his mind.

Then a lazy grin made its way across his lips.

×××

They found the body at the edge of Ravenswood Park.

It looked like it used to be a man but he was mangled beyond recognition, claw marks and teeth marks sharing equal space on his skin. His clothes were in tatters around his desiccated corpse and they waved gentle in the breeze. Alexei went to work, but Jade knew this was the part he hated the most, the part that didn’t involve shooting someone before this kind of shit happened. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and started roping off the area.

He was exhausted. He had spent half the night in his own private party and now he was paying for it.

His hands were shaking again. He hoped Roxanne wasn’t still at the apartment.

“Looks like a werewolf attack,” X said. He was snapping pictures so that they could file them away in manila folders and pour over them later. Forensics got the fun job of determining how big they thought the werewolf was and maybe they could make a guess based on teeth and claw marks as to what they should be looking for.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Jade snorted. He ripped the caution tape with his teeth and tied it around a tree. He hated this part too. He hated playing detective because he wasn’t a big thinker. Point him in a direction and he could take care of whatever they were after, but this bullshit where he tried to pick up little clues and see if they could link it to one werewolf in a city of hundreds was just a lot of boring shit to Jade.

“Somebody’s feeling bitchy this morning,” Alexei snapped.

Jade sneered at his brother but didn’t answer, watching him pull out his phone to make the call in to his Sergeant. He scratched absentmindedly at his arm and he was shaking in his skin. He was getting twitchy and he wondered if Roxanne had left the apartment yet because sometimes she stayed there for days at a time and he really fucking hated vampires.

“Jade,” his brother said, snapping his fingers in front of his face. “Call Mikey.”

“What?” he asked. “Why?”

Alexei rolled his eyes at him and he was already in the process of punching numbers into his phone. “Because our victim here is missing a couple of his bits and our new Sergeant wants a full sweep of the park to see if we can find any of the pieces.” Then he turned his attention to his phone. “Hey Lana, it’s X. Sarge wants you down at Ravenswood park as soon as possible.”

Jade sighed, flipping open his own phone. Mikey didn’t pick up immediately and he wasn’t really surprised because the Enforcer was probably floating on the kind of cloud that Jade wished he could be on. He stuck a cigarette between his lips while he waited for Mikey to answer and didn’t look at his brother’s face when he lit up because he didn’t need the fucking guilt trip. He was getting restless and just wanted to shoot something, preferably himself.

“Hello?” Mikey’s voice was drowsy and distant.

Jade was really fucking jealous. He flicked ash out on the sidewalk and blew a plume of smoke into the air. It wasn’t what he wanted in his system but it would have to do unless he got lucky and Mikey brought him an early Christmas present. “Hey asshole,” he said. “We need you to get down to Ravenswood.”

He heard the man laugh. “Fuck Jade, you want the good shit, you come here and get it.”

He snorted, sticking the cigarette back between his lips. “I’m calling you about your fucking job, Mikey. Remember that?”

“Oh shit,” he heard him say. Then he heard a quiet thump and he wondered if Mikey had fallen out of that stupid chair or if he was still fucking the god damn vampire and he didn’t want to even picture the second option. “Why the fuck do they need me? It’s my day off man… I’m celebrating Christmas, it’s against my religion, tell them something. Just don’t make me come down there right now, ‘cause I’m fucking snow blind right now, bro.”

He rolled his eyes. “Not my call, buddy. New Sergeant wants the whole crew here to sweep the woods.”

“Shit…” he grumbled. “Alright, I’ll be there in twenty.”

He sighed and flipped the phone closed. Alexei was staring at him and he wondered if his brother had heard any of the conversation, but then he looked away, staring down at the body. “Sergeant Sinclair will probably be here soon, Julian,” he said, and his voice was cold and harsh. He sounded pissed and Jade looked at the ground. He was too good at pissing his brother off.

Then X was sighing and shaking his head. “You better ditch whatever you got now.”

He couldn’t meet his brother’s eyes when he threw the pack of cigarettes away.

×××

Tony stood in front of them, pinching the tip of her nose with her fingers.

“The victim was assaulted sometime between two and four hours ago. The bite to the throat appears to have been the killing blow, though he suffered heavy lacerations and massive blood loss before dying. We are looking for any clues to the attacker’s identity or whereabouts.” The Sergeant took a breath, pacing the sidewalk as she reviewed what information they had. Jade had his hands wrapped firmly around his arms to try and still the shaking.

X stood to his right, but he wasn’t looking at him, barely acknowledging he was there. He had recognized the look of disgust and anger when Jade had pulled the cigarettes from his back pocket. Mercy stood next to his brother, scars glistening white in the fading light and her game face on.

The cute rookie from the bar was there. Lana, he remembered.

“The victim is missing several of his extremities and chunks out of his calves and torso. I want you to split up into teams of two. Search for any of the victim’s remains, blood splatters, or places where the terrain may have been disturbed. The attack is brutal and unorganized, which implies this attack wasn’t premeditated. The victim probably knew his attacker, or said the wrong thing.”

Mikey grinned sloppily, putting his arm around Lana’s waist. “I call the new girl.”

Lana glanced at him, nudging him in the gut with her elbow. “I call anyone but you,” she said, sticking her tongue out.

The Sergeant fixed her glare on him. He stank of sweat and smoke and his pupils were wide and dilated. Just looking at him made Jade’s veins itch because he was floating about half a mile off the ground right now and no one else could see it. His shirt hung out over his pants, his vest inexpertly fastened over his clothes. His boots were knotted in a tangled mess on his feet and his beret was nowhere to be found.

“Rodriguez,” the Sergeant said coldly. “Remove your hands from Pope, please.”

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” he said.

He held his hands up in a placating manner and then took a stumbling step back. Jade caught his arm when he tripped on the sidewalk, keeping him from falling to the ground. He looked up with a sloppy grin on his face. “Thanks bro,” he slurred, fingers tightening on Jade’s arm where the itch was sinking deeper into his bones. He bit his lip and tried to ignore the dryness of his mouth or the shaking of his hands.

“Mercy, X, you take the north end of the park. Lana and I will take the center. Jade, you and Miguel take the south end. And Rodriguez,” she paused, waiting until Mikey looked up at her, his eyes barely able to focus. She snorted and shook her head in disgust at him. “Pull yourself together.”

He gave her a thumb’s up and a wink.

Jade rolled his eyes and glanced over at Lana. “Just say the word if you want me to beat him up, dollface.”

She seemed startled by the term, her eyes seeking his over her shoulders. Her gun was held loosely in her hand, her brown hair pulled back out of her face and the beret darkening her gaze. Then she smiled, and he had to admit she was cute when she smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I’m perfectly capable of beating him up myself.”

He smiled back at her and it felt strange on his face when he was sober. “I’d pay to see that.”

Then he scratched his arm and looked down at Mikey. “Let’s get going.”

×××

Jade and Mikey shot up in the woods behind a rocky outcropping.

“Jules kicked me out,” Jade said, smoking a cigarette and leaning his head back against the rocks. His eyes rolled back in his head and he smiled as the feeling flooded his veins and took him a million miles away. It didn’t hurt to talk about her like this. He didn’t feel the bump on his forehead or the stinging of his arm.

The heroin in his veins took away all the pain. It took away all the hurts of his body and the hurts of his memory. He didn’t have to think about Pressure or Alexei or Julia because they were just little pieces of smoke floating away from his lips. He laughed, letting his head hit the rocks and it didn’t hurt anymore. Nothing hurt anymore and nothing mattered anymore but this feeling and he hated that he had to keep a needle in his cigarette pack just to hold onto it.

Mikey laughed at him, spitting into the dust and smoking his cigarette. “Who the fuck cares?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. Her maybe.”

His phone vibrated at his hip and he glanced down at the number. His tongue felt thick and he had to swallow twice to try and make sure he didn’t slur when he answered it or X would be pissed at him and he laughed once because X was always pissed at him. He took another breath and ran his tongue over the back of his teeth.

“Hello?” he said.

“We found the wolf,” his brother told him. “He’s holed up in an abandoned nightclub on the northwestern edge of the park. Tony and Lana are almost here already, so you two better move your asses. We don’t know how long he’s been here or how long he plans on sticking around.”

“Got it,” Jade said, flipping the phone closed. He let it slip from his fingers and tipped his head back. “We have to go,” he said.

He felt the first drop hit his face as it started to rain.

×××

He pulled the beret low on his head so that they couldn’t see his eyes.

“Jade, go around the side entrance,” Sergeant Sinclair said softly, motioning around the right with her gun hand. Lana stuck by her side, licking her lips nervously. “X, you and Mercy take point with me. Lana, I want you and Miguel to guard the front entrance. No one goes in or out except us. The place looks abandoned, but there’s no way to be sure, so be prepared for anything. There could only be the one wolf, or there could be a pack.”

She glanced over at Mikey who was struggling with his gun belt and her gaze narrowed under the dark beret. “Miguel Rodriguez,” she snapped, her finger resting lighting on the trigger of her gun. “Are you prepared for duty or not, because I swear if you screw this up I’ll suspend you for the next five years.”

The gun came out of his holster with a snap. “Good to go, ma’am.”

Mikey was trying not to laugh, which meant Jade was trying not to laugh. He turned his attention to pulling out his own gun and his fingers felt too thick and heavy to unclip the leather holster and pull his weapon out. He checked the clip, making sure there were bullets in it and he felt so slow and stupid. His gun was heavier than he remembered.

He put his hand on the wall and made his way to the side door.

He had to lean against the bricks to keep himself on his feet because the world was tilting crazily around him and he felt like he was on one of those spiny rides at a carnival. He jammed a cigarette in between his lips and let his head fall back against the brick as he flew to the moon and back. He grinned to himself as the flame flickered up, a tiny glowing contrast to the rain that was falling like bullets around him.

He hadn’t noticed the sun setting. He wondered when that had happened.

He wondered what Julia was doing.

Gunshots sounded from inside and he pushed off the wall, trying to stand on his own two feet. His gun was heavy in his hands and the cement was rocking unevenly under his feet. He heard another gunshot and something slammed against the door once before it burst open into the hallway.

He stumbled back, bringing the gun to bear. Something dark and hairy flashed before his vision and he got an impression of golden eyes and white fangs. It hesitated, not expecting to see him there and he sighted along his gun. The shot went wild and he heard it ding off a trashcan down the alley. His second shot managed to graze the wolf’s arm and then it was moving off into the darkness. He fired after it and he heard his shots bouncing off the wall.

He couldn’t help it. He started to laugh.

He fell against the wall, still laughing as his gun slipped weakly from his fingers. The cigarette tumbled from between his lips and sizzled when it landed in a puddle. He was still laughing when X charged out of the door next to him, his hair wild and blood trickling down the side of his face. Jade met his gaze and he could see the instant his brother recognized the glassy look in his eyes.

His head cracked against the wall as Alexei’s fist hit his face.

He felt himself crumple under the force of it, falling to his knees in the rain.

He looked up at his brother, opening his mouth to say that it wasn’t what he thought, that he was sorry, or that it wouldn’t happen again. His brother didn’t give him the chance, his fist hitting Julian in his eye this time. There was no pity on his face when his brother crumpled to the cement, only a cold rage. “You fucking piece of shit,” he snarled.

“Sorry Alexei…” he breathed, staying on his knees.

His brother kicked him in the stomach. “Don’t you fucking dare,” he said, and then there were fingers wrapping in his shirt and hauling him back to his feet. “Don’t you fucking dare think ‘sorry’ is going to cut it this time. I want you out of my fucking apartment and I don’t want to see you back on Epsilon until you’re sober.” He shoved him into the wall and punched him one last time. He felt his nose crack with the force of the hit.

His brother dropped him and he fell to the ground with a thump.

He stayed there long after his brother’s boots disappeared down the street, even when he heard the gunshots going off. At some point he saw Tony and Lana run by, the latter glancing at him with a concerned expression, but neither stopping. He wrapped an arm around his stomach and tried to focus on breathing and not on the sickening feeling making his gut churn. Then he thought that both his brother and his girlfriend had kicked him out in the same day and he laughed until he cried.

He didn’t move from his own puddle of despair until Mikey crouched down next to him. His hand rested on his shoulder for a moment, giving it a squeeze. Then his arm was sliding around his back and helping him to his feet. “They got the wolf,” he told him casually, dragging him out of the alley.

“That’s nice,” Jade said miserably.

Mikey laughed at him. “I know right? Fuck this day, let’s go get loaded.”

×××

He lost his concept of time early on.

He floated in a haze, lying on the floor of Mikey’s apartment. He couldn’t remember what he did from one day to the next, or how long he’d been staying there. Roxanne stopped by twice but thankfully she didn’t stay that long or Jade would have booked it out of there early on.

Not that he had anywhere to go.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Mikey asked him.

He was lying on the couch, his head tilted backwards so that he could watch Jade. He was tossing a ball casually in the air and tried to catch it, but it hit him in the face instead. He laughed as it bounced off his nose and onto the floor and Jade didn’t find it all that funny. His own nose still hurt from where his brother’s fist had smashed into it. He rubbed his aching jaw and focused his attention back on what he was doing.

“I’m making pancakes,” he said. He flipped them over and the bottom looked a little burnt but he thought they would still be edible. “They were my favorite food when we were at the orphanage. Back when Alexei didn’t hate me,” and he laughed at himself even though it really wasn’t that fucking funny.

Mikey laughed at him too. He was crawling on the floor looking for his ball. “Dude, that’s fucking stupid.”

Jade dropped the spatula to the counter, his hands suddenly shaking. “Fuck you, Mikey,” he snarled, because the fucking asshole didn’t understand. Jade hadn’t always been like this after all. He hadn’t always been a junkie or a massive fuck up and Alexei hadn’t always hated him.

He stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

In the kitchen, the pancakes burned.

×××

He had a dream about Pressure.

He woke sweating, paranoid, and high, and everything around him looked like a shadow of the vampire coming out of the walls to get him. He scrambled into the bathroom, knocking cups off the table as he went. He didn’t even notice as they shattered on the ground and cut sharply into his feet. He left a trail of bloody footprints behind him.

He fell to his knees in front of the toilet and vomited into the water. His hands clutched the bowl, throwing up bile and beer. His arms were shaking and he rested his forehead against the seat as sweat poured off his skin. A second wave passed through him and he threw up again. This time he thought there was blood in it and he felt tears streaming down his face. His stomach ached and his head was throbbing and he only knew one way to fix it.

The first hit of heroin didn’t help at all.

The third one did.

×××

Jade sprawled on the couch, playing with his phone.

He had six missed calls. Two of them were from Alexei, three of them from Sergeant Sinclair, and he didn’t recognize the last number. He wasn’t sure he cared. He had four voicemails and instead of listening to them he turned his phone off and tossed it onto the carpet next to the broken bits of glass he hadn’t managed to clean up. It was probably the same shit he used to get form Julia. “When are you coming home?”

He tipped his head back and laughed.

He could barely remember his name anymore. He was living in a white haze, snow falling inside his brain and his vision reduced to a blur of color. He wondered how long he’d been living in a snow globe because he couldn’t remember what the outside looked like anymore. As soon as feeling started to return, he fixed it with a needle and a little pinch of fairy dust.

It was just after dark when Roxanne showed up, and this time she had brought a fucking friend with her. The two of them stood in the doorway and kissed Mikey on the cheek like they were some fucking French models or some shit and Jade just rolled his eyes. He smoked his cigarette and kicked at the coffee table, trying to find anything else to pay attention to so he didn’t have to look at the two vampire bitches Mikey was leading into the living room.

“Jade, say hi to Velma,” Mikey said.

He snorted and kicked the coffee table over. “Go fuck yourself, Velma.”

“Aw, someone hasn’t had their shots today,” Roxanne said. The three of them giggled like some sort of fucked up threesome and he was already yanking his boots on because he couldn’t be in this house with two fucking vampires. He grabbed his cigarettes off the floor and jammed them in his back pocket next to his lighter.

“I’m going to the bar,” he snapped at Mikey, glancing up at his friend. Mikey wasn’t even looking at him, his mouth already occupied with Roxanne’s neck, and the new girl was running her hands over his chest. Jade rolled his eyes and yanked a coat on over his clothes that were dingy and stained and probably didn’t smell too great. “Have fun fucking Mrs. Clause and her stupid fucking elf,” he sneered, yanking the door open.

“Maybe if you were getting some then you’d stop being such a little bitch,” the new girl, Velma, said helpfully.

Jade shot her a grin full of teeth that glittered like razorblades. “Wish I could say the same thing for you.”

×××

He was drunk.

Jade sat at the bar and tried to pretend he wasn’t, but he was swaying in his seat and the glass was looking more than a little fuzzy in front of him. He couldn’t remember how many Jack and Coke’s he’d had, but he imagined his tab was getting pretty long at this point. He didn’t know how long he’d been there. He couldn’t even remember how he’d gotten there and that made him laugh because he was such a fucking train wreck.

A soft hand landed on his shoulder and he tipped his head backwards, gripping the bar when he felt his whole body start to slide in that direction. He almost fell anyway, but the soft hand turned into a gentle pressure forcing him to stay on his barstool and he was at least a little grateful for that.

Then he saw who it was, and he grinned.

“Hey dollface,” he said.

She slid into the seat next to him, her hand still on his shoulder and it was probably the only thing keeping him steady. Her hair was loose around her face and she had a smattering of make up on. She looked different out of uniform, like the kind of girl who could break his heart and never turn around.

“Well hey there, Jade,” she said, hand still on his shoulder. She smiled at him, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. It turned her image upside down again and the world was tilting crazily around his head like a god damned tilt-a-whirl. That’s what they were called. They’d always been his least favorite ride and it made him want to laugh because that was the only one he rode anymore. “No one’s heard from you in like a week,” she said. “Are you okay?”

Was he okay?

He started to laugh and he had to hold his head off the bar with his hand. He didn’t even know how to answer the question because the half of him that still remembered his name knew that none of this was fucking okay, while the rest of him was too drunk and high and fucked up to care. As long as he had snow falling in his brain and another hit waiting for him at Mikey’s than the world couldn’t be any better.

“Fine dollface,” he told her. “Just had a little fight with X is all.”

She smiled, pulling his drink towards her and downing it in one swallow. “Why do you call me that?”

He grinned lazily, leaning towards her on the bar. His fingers came up to play with her hair, twisting it in his fingers. “What? Dollface?” She nodded at him, gesturing at the bartender to get her another and he suddenly wondered if he had any kind of shot with this girl because she was pretty and actually paying attention to him and not throwing things at him.

She didn’t hate him yet.

He shrugged, his hand letting go of her hair. “Because you’re cute,” he told her and the words came out slurred because his tongue was feeling thick and heavy and his mouth was dry and he really hated the fucking vampires that kept chasing him out of the only safe haven he had left. “Because you have this look, you know? Like everyone thinks you’re the girl next door. You’re the nice girl that a guy’s supposed to settle down with and you’ll never leave him or hurt him or let him down.”

Then he laughed, shaking his head because he was staring at the bar and he didn’t know what he was saying anymore or if he was even talking about her. “Because everyone thinks that life is a fucking fairytale and they don’t realize that you’re just going to break their hearts, over and over again, and they’ll keep coming back for more.”

Her fingers tightened on his shoulder and he glanced up at her, wondering what he had just said.

For a second she just looked so fucking sad. Then a smile rolled across her lips.

“You want to come back to my place?”

×××

They made out on her couch.

She straddled his hips, letting her hands slide up under his shirt. He was blissfully numb, her lips pressing against his and his tongue curling possessively around hers. He didn’t know how he had ended up in her apartment but he wasn’t going to complain, not with her sitting in his lap and her hands brushing over his stomach.

His hands slid around her hips, gripping the bottom of her shirt and peeling it off her skin. She laughed at him because his fingers were clumsy and for a moment the shirt got caught on her earrings before she pulled it free and tossed it to the ground. Her hair was disheveled, hanging around her face in tangled curls and her skin was soft and warm as he slid his hand up her sides. A sigh escaped his lips and then he was pulling her down for another kiss.

“You’re beautiful,” he told her, pressing his lips against hers.

She laughed at him again. “You’re drunk.”

His lips split in a smile and he concentrated on his fingers, trying to get them to unhook her bra without looking at it and the mixture of heroin and whiskey in his blood was making it ten times harder than it should have been. She was still smiling at him though and he liked her because she wasn’t mad at him yet.

Her lips were kissing their way along his neck.

He felt them brush the scar from where Pressure had killed him over a decade ago and he felt the familiar chill snake its way down his spine. He tried to ignore it because he felt the tiny clasps finally giving way under his fingers and then he was pulling her bra off and tossing it to the ground next to her shirt. Her hands had made their way up over his abs and she was peeling his off and dropping it behind the couch, fingers still dancing along his skin.

They ran over his scars and she was smiling at him.

“Where is this one from?” she asked. Her lips followed her fingers, brushing against the scar on his neck again.

He smirked and a hand tangled in her hair, pulling her face around to his so he could kiss her again. He became aware of two things very abruptly. The first was that she was a fantastic kisser. She didn’t hold anything back, her teeth pulling at his bottom lip and her tongue colliding with his.

The second was that he missed Jules.

His hands tightened on her hips and he tried to ignore that thought.

“A vampire,” he told her, kissing her to keep from talking because he didn’t want to talk anymore. His head was fuzzy and his skin was on fire everywhere she touched him and that was all he wanted to feel anymore. He didn’t want to be afraid or disgusted with himself or feel like such a god damned fuck up and he hissed when her teeth sunk into his skin. Her hand was dancing back down his skin, brushing over the ones on his ribs.

“And these?” she asked him, kissing along his jaw.

“Also a vampire. Assholes just keep getting the drop on me,” he told her, smiling wryly. He felt her laugh quietly in response. His fingers were at the button of her pants now and he was having a hard time pulling the snap loose. It made a loud pop in the silence of her apartment but she didn’t seem to mind.

Her hands were trailing down his arms and he felt them brush over the tiny little pinpricks, old scars mixed with new ones from where he had been ushering in Christmas for the last week. Sometimes he wasn’t careful and sometimes they bled more than they should and he had been doing it so long that he still had scars from the first time he’d tried to inject himself and accidently shoved the needle in too far. He felt nervous with her touching them.

“And these?” she asked, kissing his wrist. “Where are these from?”

He yanked his arm back more quickly than he meant to and he realized abruptly that he was too sober.

His mouth was dry and he didn’t know what to say to her but she was looking at him with wide and confused eyes because he had stopped touching her and suddenly didn’t want to be here anymore. He wanted to crawl back down his rabbit hole and shoot himself full of that beautiful white stuff that kept his mind in a fog so that he didn’t have to think and didn’t have to remember.

“I gotta go,” he told her.

His hands tightened on her hips as he rolled her off him onto the couch and then he was grabbing at his boots and trying to remember where she had just thrown his shirt. His skin was itching and scratched at it idly, tearing open the scabs and not caring when tiny beads of blood began to burst on his skin and he wondered how much heroin he had done in the last week because he didn’t remember anymore. He didn’t want to remember anything.

“Jade…” she started, reaching out a hand to catch at his elbow.

He shook his head. “Sorry dollface, I just remembered there’s somewhere I gotta be.”

She crossed an arm over her chest, hiding her breasts from view and then she was standing up to slide a hand up on his back and he yanked his boots on, deciding he didn’t care about his shirt anymore because he had a coat and he just needed to get out of here now. He booked it towards the door, grabbing his cigarettes off the end table he’d dropped them on and pausing at the door to look back at her. She had followed him across the room and her eyes were sad. “Jade, I didn’t mean…”

He shook his head again. “It’s okay, don’t worry about. Not you, it’s me, you know?”

He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. “Goodnight dollface,” he told her.

The door clicked shut behind him and of course it was fucking raining.

×××

He smoked three cigarettes on the walk back to the apartment and he was on his fourth by the time he was trudging up the stairs. His hands were shaking so bad that he could barely get his lighter open and he was cursing himself a thousand different ways because he had just left a beautiful half-naked woman because he was scared and wanted to get high.

He just kept scrambling down the hole after the fucking white rabbit.

The cigarette was still dangling from between his lips when he shoved the door open. All the lights were out, but he kept his back to the living room anyway, just in case. He heard someone moving and rolled his eyes because watching Mikey going at it with two vampire chicks wasn’t high on his list of things he wanted to see. “Mikey!” he shouted. “I’m back, so if you’re having sex in the living room you better clear out.”

He heard more movement and he flicked his cigarette into the kitchen sink while he waited, already digging out a fresh one. He shrugged his coat off and let it drop to the floor in a pile next to all the other crap they dropped in the doorway. He kicked his boots next to them and then leaned over the old stove to light his cigarette.

He heard something rustle in the living room and he flicked the lights on, rolling his eyes. “Mikey, I swear to Christ…”

He stopped in the doorway and at first he didn’t understand what he was looking at.

Mikey was sprawled in the same armchair he always sat in, wearing only his boxers and more scars than Julian had. His arms were spotted with teeth marks and needle marks but blood wasn’t flowing out of them anymore. It was smeared across his skin in dark swatches, tiny droplets of it under the chair. His dark hair was mussed and hanging in his face and a small smile was still etched on his features.

“Mikey?” he whispered, the cigarette falling out of his lips to the floor. He didn’t look up.

His eyes were blank. His eyes were empty and hollow. There was no one home.

“Mikey?” he said again, and this time his voice came out as a whimper because he didn’t understand why he wasn’t looking at him. His mouth was fucking dry as a bone and he licked his lips trying to get some moisture back on his tongue. His hands were shaking and he scratched at his skin but he couldn’t move because Mikey wasn’t moving. “Miguel?” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d called Mikey that.

He wasn’t answering him. Jade didn’t understand why he wasn’t answering him.

He wasn’t sure when he moved, but he was standing next to Mikey.

His hand came out to shake him but he couldn’t make his fingers touch his skin. They hovered above his shoulder, casting long shadows across his neck and face and making his eyes glassy and dead. He swallowed again and licked his lips and he could only taste ash in his mouth.

His skin was cold to the touch.

Jade yanked his hand back and he was shaking and there was vomit rising in his throat and he couldn’t understand why Mikey was so cold or why he wasn’t blinking or answering him when he said his name or why he was just sitting there staring at nothing. The world was tilting crazily around him and he felt himself bump into a picture on the wall and he heard the cracking of glass and it echoed the cracking of his mind.

Someone was moving but he didn’t see who because he was doubled over and trying not to throw up because the world was spinning around him so fast that he couldn’t see past the static blur of snow in front of his eyes. He covered his mouth with his hand and he thought maybe he would throw up anyway.

Then someone was hitting him in the face and he was on the ground.

He looked up through the haze of pain and shock and there was a woman standing over him. At first he didn’t recognize her and didn’t understand why someone was in Mikey’s apartment and why they would hit him and he didn’t understand anything and he felt like he was in a dream.

That had to be it. He was dreaming. This was all a bad dream.

Then the vampire was leaning over him and her fangs were shards of steel.

“Welcome home Jade,” she said. “Remember me? Remember Velma?” she was laughing and he tried to crawl away from her. He felt fingers dig into his throat and then she was pushing him against the wall, her fangs snapping near his face. “Then again, maybe you don’t. Maybe you were just too fucked up at the time. But I remember you, you self righteous prick.”

He frowned at her, studying her face, and then he did remember her.

He remembered arresting her and promising her that her little vengeance trip was going to get her life behind bars. He almost laughed but the fingers around his throat kept it from being anything but a harsh cough. He was always getting too careless with vampires. They were always getting the fucking drop on him and he never learned from his mistakes because if he had he would have told Mikey that the only good vampire was a dead vampire.

“You killed him,” he said, and he didn’t like feeling the words on his tongue because that meant he had to admit to himself that Mikey was dead and wasn’t just sleeping or passed out because he’d had a little too much and maybe if he just dumped some cold water on him than he would wake up and everything would be okay.

Maybe he could have believed that, but then he said it again.

“You killed him.”

She laughed at him, leaning forward so that her lips were near his neck and he could feel the words whisper across his ear. “Just like you humans killed my daughter. Just like you let it happen, you fucking Enforcer bastard. You could have stopped it before it had happened, but no, we only care when the vampires break the law. Who cares what the humans do? Who cares if they burn down a building with my child inside? They’re not monsters, after all.”

He laughed at her. He laughed in her face. “A human didn’t kill my friend.”

“No?” she snarled cruelly, and her hand tightened around his throat as she leaned closer and this bitch was starting to piss him off but he still felt so fucking numb and he couldn’t look at her because he was looking at Mikey. “You don’t even know if I’m responsible for his death. Maybe he fucking overdosed on the drugs you two have been swimming in.”

The worst part was that it could have been true.

He didn’t care.

“Go fuck yourself,” he said, and then he was kneeing her in the stomach. She jerked under the hit and then he was swinging his fist into her face, her head snapping back with a harsh crack. Her fingers tried to curl around his throat but the force of his next hit had her stumbling back, her hands slipping away from his skin. She turned on him with a snarl curling her lips and then she was barreling into him, sending them both tumbling to the floor.

He felt his head hit something solid and for a second he was floating, but how should that have been any different from the rest of his life? Maybe he should stay down and let the bitch kill him and maybe he would have if he didn’t hate vampires so fucking much. His fingers curled around a broken shard of glass and then he was slicing at her face.

It caught her across the cheek, cutting sharply into her lips.

She hissed at him and then her teeth were snapping down towards his neck. He wrapped his hands around her throat, trying to keep her away from him, trying to do anything to stay alive and she was straddling him now so he barely had any leverage on her. With a heave of muscle he tossed her over his shoulder and then he was scrambling towards the kitchen.

His fingers closed around the butcher knife and he turned around right as she was slamming into him again.

He felt the sharp pain of something piercing his jugular and then he had a hand tangled firmly in her hair and he threw her against the wall. She howled in frustration and then in pain as he forced the knife up against her throat and started to push. A muscle in his jaw twitched and bright burning lines of pain exploded across his face as she raked her nails down his skin, but he kept the pressure on the knife. The howl turned into a scream.

Red was exploding in his vision. He kept pushing on the knife, even when her nails dug bloody lines in his arm.

He was used to that, after all.

She went still sometime before the knife hit the wall and her head tumbled down next to her corpse. He stepped back, panting and bleeding and not even feeling half the wounds on his body and then he was whirling to the kitchen sink and vomiting up whiskey and smoke and his eyes were burning.

The knife slipped out of his fingers to the ground.

×××

His fingers were shaking and bloody when he punched the numbers in the phone.

He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t care. He didn’t know what else to do. It rang three times before Alexei picked up and he must have been asleep because he sounded groggy and not half as pissed as he did normally. “Hello?” he slurred into the speaker and Jade almost started crying at the sound of his brother’s voice.

“Alexei,” he whispered and his voice was shaking and cracking. He felt the tears sting his eyes.

“Julian?” his brother responded. “What the fuck do you want?”

He almost hung up. He almost couldn’t answer. He curled in the corner of the living room and he could see Mikey still sitting in his arm chair, the track marks and vampire bites covering his skin and he didn’t know what had killed him but he wasn’t moving and he wasn’t blinking and Jade felt like he might throw up again because he had seen dead bodies before, but not like this. This was Mikey and Jade had just seen him six hours ago. He’d been fine. He’d been alive.

“Julian?” his brother said again, and this time he didn’t sound pissed, he sounded scared.

“Mikey’s dead,” he whispered. “He’s dead and he’s not moving.”

Then he started to cry.

×××

When Alexei found him, he was still curled in the corner of the living room.

He was still crying and there was a cigarette hanging from his lips but it wasn’t lit yet because he had forgotten about it in his desperation for something stronger. His arm was limp and useless next to him and there were rips and tears in his flesh where he had tried to shoot up. Half a broken needle was sticking out of his skin where he had snapped it off and his whole body was shivering. There was vomit on the floor next to him because he hadn’t even tried to make it to the bathroom.

Jade looked up at his brother with sad, hollow eyes. “It’s not working,” he whispered. “Everything still hurts.”

Alexei crouched down next to him, pulling the needle gingerly out of his skin. Jade didn’t flinch.

“What’s not working?” he asked quietly, and normally he would be punching his brother in the face for this, but he didn’t have it in him because Mikey’s corpse was sitting behind him in an armchair and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his brother really cry but he was practically sobbing now.

He shook his head and his eyes were chips of jade. “It’s supposed to take the pain away,” he said.

“But everything still hurts.”

×××

He knew what was coming next.

Sergeant Sinclair got to the apartment within the hour and by then Alexei had cleaned his brother up as much as possible but they both knew it wouldn’t matter. Mikey was dead and there were track marks on his arm and needles all over the apartment and there was nothing of pity in her cold eyes. She ordered a drug test for the whole team, but everybody knew that only one person wasn’t going to pass.

“Are you going to run?” Alexei asked him quietly as he helped him limp to the door.

Jade looked over his shoulder at the body staring lifeless through him.

“No,” he said. “I don’t think so.

×××

They took his gun and his beret.

He didn’t understand the point of taking a god damn hat, but it seemed to make them feel better so he handed it over the desk without a fight. He stared out the window through most of the lecture and scratched idly at his arms. There were red lines and scabs from where the vampire had clawed at him but he didn’t even feel them. He had gone numb and all he could see in the glass surface was Mikey staring back at him with that fucking dead expression in his eyes.

Mikey was dead. He didn’t know how to handle it.

“You are on suspension for the next year,” Commander Virgil was telling him. He nodded dumbly and bit his lip and scratched his arms where the itch was sinking deeper into his bones. “For the next two weeks you will be kept in solitary and should we decide to release you after that you will be kept on house arrest for six months.”

He wished he had a cigarette. He wished he had a little bag of white and then he thought of Mikey and the holes in his skin and the smile on his face and that’s how Jade would probably die too. He was shivering and he wrapped his arms around his chest and tried to hold in the pain. He felt like he was splintering apart under Virgil’s cold eyes and he kept staring out the window where trees rasped and clawed at the glass.

“Do you understand?” he was asking.

Jade focused on his eyes. They were glassy and blank.

Everyone around him was dead. Mikey was dead, Virgil was dead, Jade was dead. “Yes, sir, I understand.”

×××

They took his clothes and hosed him down. When they were done that, they shaved his head.

They gave him some plain gray scrubs and he felt like he was wearing a prison uniform. He would’ve laughed because it wasn’t really that far from the truth, but he couldn’t seem to smile about anything anymore. They shut him in a room by himself just like they had promised and when the door slammed it was with a finality that shook him to his core. He settled on the bed to wait because he had nothing better to do. His high was gone. Now he just had to wait for the agony to hit.

It started as a dull ache under his skin and settled in his stomach.

He vomited into the corner of his cell and tried to hold his bones together.

He was shaking and he was in pain. He hadn’t understood at the time that he would be going through detox alone and cold turkey. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made it through the day without at least a little hit of China White and his whole system was breaking down without it. He shivered and pressed himself to the wall and it was cold against his skin and everything was cold and hard and hurt.

His fingers wrapped around his rib cage and he could feel the bones through his skin and he felt like they would break if he pressed too hard on them. He bit his lip and pressed his forehead to the cold wall and a shiver wracked his form as a cold sweat broke out over his skin.

He felt like he was dying.

He wished he was.

He thought about Mikey and that stupid fucking smile on his face and suddenly he was mad at him and wanted to scream because he had tried to tell the asshole over and over again that vampires were bad news, that they were monsters and would just get him killed but he’d never fucking listened. He tried to tell himself that he would never be so stupid and then he thought about Pressure and he thought about Velma and the scars on his throat were throbbing.

His fingers dug into his skin and he was crying.

He thought about Alexei. He thought about all the things he’d done to his brother because he didn’t have anything else to think about and it always came back to how he’d failed him the one time that it really counted and he’d never stopped fucking up after that. He was the fucking hero, saving the day from the big bad vampire.

At some point he fell asleep and he just dreamed about that, over and over again. He dreamed about Pressure sinking his fangs into his throat and ripping his flesh out before tossing him aside like a rag doll. He’d wanted to save his brother because he never let anyone hurt Alexei. He was supposed to protect him, supposed to keep him safe from the monsters under the bed and he had tried so fucking hard when he was a kid.

He had tried to protect his brother, really he had.

He remembered what he said because he would never forget the words as long as he lived. No matter how high or drunk or fucked up he was, the words would stay there in the back of his mind, a brand on his brain that he had put there. “Get the Hell away from my brother,” he’d said. His chest was puffed out like some kind of motherfucking hero and he’d really thought it would make a difference.

Instead he’d just gotten killed.

There was a little boy named Julian Winters and Jade had gotten him killed.

×××

The third day was the worst.

He felt like his bones were cracking and breaking under the skin and the muscle and he was afraid to move because if he did he would break apart into a thousand pieces and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men wouldn’t waste the fucking time trying to put him back together again because he was a mess. He was a god damned, mother fucking mess who curled in a fetal position in the corner of his cold cell and cried and vomited and wanted to die.

He scratched at his skin and hated his life and hated everything he’d become and wished he had just one hit because that could make all this pain go away. He tipped his head back to the wall and felt tears running down his face and the back of his throat and he was still shaking in his skin.

He was filled to overflowing with hate and loathing.

He hated himself. He hated everything he’d become and every thing he’d ever done. He told Alexei sorry over and over again every time he fucked up and his brother forgave him over and over again because they were brothers and the only family they’d ever had. In the end it hadn’t mattered. Jade still kept making a mess of things and he didn’t know if he could ever stop. He didn’t know if he would be able to stay clean after this.

He didn’t know if he’d want to.

The craving had settled deep in his bones now and he tried not to think about it so of course that was all he wanted. He missed the drugs in his veins and he hated them at the same time because at some point it had stopped setting him free and just trapped him in this Hell with chains of his own making. He shivered and his teeth sunk into his lip as he tried to hold back the longing.

Maybe tomorrow he wouldn’t want it so bad. Maybe in another week he wouldn’t even think about it anymore. Maybe he could stop scratching at his skin and he wouldn’t put any fresh scars on his arm. Maybe in another week he could breathe again without feeling that crushing desperation and fear that came with making it through the day sober. He’d never been any good at coping with reality, not since he had gotten himself killed. At least now when he fucked up he could blame it on the drugs.

He wondered if it was his fault Mikey was dead.

Maybe if he’d done his job better, or stayed clean after the first time he’d managed to quit then he’d still be alive. He’d gone to rehab before, managed to stop all the drugs and the alcohol, if not the sex, just to get into the Enforcers. He’d wanted to try and fix things with Alexei. He’d wanted to try and make a difference so that monsters like Pressure could never happen again.

He’d fucked that up like he’d fucked everything up.

He threw up in the corner again and then he closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

×××

Jade stood numbly while they gave him his things back.

They kept the cigarettes. They’d probably thrown them away already, but they gave him back his clothes and his lighter. No one looked him in the eyes when they let him out of the room. They’d run a couple blood tests on him and he didn’t know what they were looking for, shined lights in his eyes and in his ears, and then given him a clean bill of health. He didn’t say a word to any of them. He didn’t even talk to the rookie that fastened the GPS around his ankle.

He stared out the window and wondered what would happen next. The first week was a haze in his mind, a mindless blur of pain and tears and an ache that had finally left his stomach and now lurked in the back of his mind like a black dog. He wondered if he would be able to stay clean this time. He wondered how many lives he had left.

He wasn’t sure where they were sending him until he stepped out onto the street.

It was way too fucking sunny and he had to cover his eyes with his hand.

Alexei was waiting for him. He was leaning against the car and he was looking at Jade with a strange, unreadable expression on his face. Then his brother was hauling back and hitting him and Jade let him because he’d probably earned it at some point. His head cracked back but he didn’t fall over this time because he was sober for the first time in years.

“Hey X,” he said, rubbing his jaw.

His brother’s fists were still clenched at his side, but he didn’t hit him again and he didn’t say anything for a long time. Jade watched as a thousand emotions crossed his brother’s face, the anger, the disappointment, the fear. The last one surprised him the most. The fear was the one that had guilt churning in his gut and he had to fight the urge to run off and try to find a hit that would take away the feeling and leave him flying high.

Then Alexei sighed and put an arm around his brother’s shoulder as he helped him to the car. He didn’t ask why he was helping him or where he was taking him. He wondered if he was only here because the Sergeant had ordered someone to escort Jade to wherever they were going to stick him for the next year to make sure he stayed sober.

Then he felt his brother’s hand tighten almost imperceptibly on his shoulder.

“Let’s get you home.”