Impulse Control

WC 718

Impulse Control

By Jack Rawlins

“Impulse Control: How can I help you?

“You what? Lady you’re kidding me, right?

“No, you’re not kidding. Yes, I can tell by the tone of your voice.

“Before we continue, I must caution you: This call may be monitored for quality control purposes and to protect our butts from frivolous law suites. We get them all the time.

“Now, getting back to your impulse…Most of our calls are more serious than ‘wanting to do it with the mailman.' Who told you to call ‘Impulse Control’?

“The mailman? I see.

“Well, I’m here to help you--if I can. I am Dr. Phraser, Impulse Control Therapist.

“No, ma’am. We don’t make house calls. We’re a little like 911, but to differentiate--on impulse-- we opted for 119. We did it so no one would get us mixed up and put us on the spot to save their life or that of their pet hamster.

“So just what do we do? We try to help people like you control their impulses. You wouldn’t believe some of the repulsive impulses we deal with from impulsive people…people just like you.

“Let me ask you a few questions. Have you controlled your impulse up until now?

“Not completely. I see. What did you do? Oh, you did. And the mailman didn’t like the idea?

“No. No. I’m not laughing at you. We take all impulses seriously, even from wackos.

“No. No. I’m not saying you’re a wacko. I’m just saying that I sometimes get an impulse to strangle a caller just to shut him or her up---Oh please don’t whine. I’m just kidding. Just kidding. We kid around a lot around here. This is a stressful job.

“But that’s my problem. Let me ask you: Did you ever go all the way with the mailman?

“Most of the way, but not all of the way? And, you want to go all the way?

“Well, what’s stopping you?

“The mailman. I see. Doesn’t he find you attractive?

“He does? Is he married? In a relationship?

“He’s never told you?

“Have you ever done anything like this before?

“You do it every day? But not with him. You say you really need it and it’s good for you?

“Besides the mailman, what prompted you to call Impulse Control?

“You flunked obedience school and the trainer gave you our number? I’m talking to a dog!

"How did you learn to speak? No that’s a dumb question. All dogs learn to speak. I mean how did you learn to speak English?

“When you were a puppy they house-broke you on newspapers? You leaned by reading the comics? Yes, it’s true many dogs in the funnies are fluent. You had some good role models. .

“I sound surprised? Not really. I talk to all kinds of people. But you are my first dog.

“Now that we know one another a little better, let’s get back to your problem. What is it you want to do with your mailman?

“You want to go all the way with him---to the post office. And he rejects you?

“You say it’s because other dogs want to come along. And some of them have more than walking on their minds?

“What’s your name?

“Duchess. Nice name.

“Duchess, I think you need to find another outlet for your impulse. Instead of walking with the mailman…and suffering repeated rejection after a few blocks…try chasing squirrels. It’s good exercise.

“You’re not looking for exercise; you’re looking for companionship? Okay then, since you are so articulate, why not let your owner know that being a stay a home dog is a drag. That’s why you try to tag along with the mailman.

“You’ve already discussed it and she says ‘life is never perfect?’

“Duchess, I’m sure there’s a companion out there that would love to meet you and frolic with you. Give the mailman a break. Stick with your own kind. Have another heart-to- heart with your owner. I’m sure she only wants the best for you.

“So, my advice to control your impulse is take two aspirin and call me back in two weeks. If you haven’t found a new companion, I’ll break our rules about house calls. I’ll come take you for a walk myself.”

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