One: The Darkness, The Void

ONE: The Void, The Darkness

         My parents were barely in the ground when my sister and her husband loaded my things into the trunk of a borrowed car and explained they had to be back home for church the next morning. I shrugged, uncaring of their religious beliefs. I just wanted my life back, my parents back.

         My sister had run off four years prior. We had kept little contact, just a letter here and there. My parents were horrified when they intercepted one and discovered that she had changed her name. Adah, according to my ex-Catholic father, was the second female name mentioned in the bible. He looked me sternly in the eyes. “Has she said anything about where she lives?”

         I shook my head. “I send my letters to a P.O. Box.”

         “Aubrey, tell me the truth. She's mentioned nothing? Not even a neighbor –Nothing?”

         “No.”

         His expression was grave. “You are not to contact her anymore.”

         Tears slid down my mother's face. “It's can't be true,” she cried. “Dakota has always been so headstrong. She wouldn't...” a sob cut her words short.

         “She wouldn't what?” I dared to ask.

         A sigh, one of father's long, heavy sighs that seemed to carry the tune of all the world's worries. “Your idiot sister has most likely joined a cult.” He shook his head in –worry? Disgust? Confusion? I wasn't sure. “Who knows what the fuck she's gotten herself into.” He slammed a fist against a wall, leaving a slight indentation; it was the only act of violence I had ever seen from him.

         “A... Cult?” I was eleven and had heard of cults, but did they really exist? “Like... Like... Charles Manson?”

         Mother's eyes widened in horror and then she fell into a fit of hysterical crying. Father turned his attention to her and I left the room unnoticed.

         It was the last time that Dakota –Adah's-- name was mentioned in the house. Her pictures disappeared that night. It was suddenly as though she never existed... Until some drunken bastard drove right into their little Nissan and took them away from me.

         A tear ran down my cheek at the memory. I was only fifteen; I needed my parents. Looking at the stranger in the passenger seat, I felt more alone than ever. She barely even looked like Dakota. Her dress was plain black with a small patch of a sword rising from flames sewn on the right side of the chest –right where, every day, I held my hand in school to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Around her neck, she wore a simple golden cross on a thin chain. I thought of the black-haired anarchist that had slept in the bedroom next to mine and I couldn't hold back my tears. What had happened to her? Where was she taking me? What would they do to me? Surely, she could not expect me to change as she had, to devote myself to... whatever she had.

         “There's no reason to cry,” she said as she turned to face me. “They are in God's hands now. He will judge them justly.”

         I wanted to shake her, to smack her –anything to bring Dakota back. “If your God is so just how could he take them from me?”

         There was sympathy in her eyes –too much, like they had not been her parents too, like I was not her sister, but just a child to be pitied. “We cannot question His will, my sister. He has His reasons for everything. This is the path that He has chosen for you and you must accept it.”

         “What if I do not?”

         The car swerved quickly onto the shoulder and jerked to a stop. I pitched forward then slammed against the back of the seat, the wind temporarily knocked out of me. Is this how it felt for them in that final moment? Lamech got out of the car. I stared at the empty driver's seat with fear, not noticing Adah's absence until she opened the door beside me. She unbuckled my seatbelt and grabbed my arm, pulling me from the car. They glared at me for a long moment and wondered if they would kill me.

         Finally, Lamech pointed to the ground by feet. “Kneel. We must pray.”

         I stood still.

         Adah stepped toward me and gently pushed my shoulders downward. I resisted, staring defiantly into her eyes.

         “We must pray,” she said gently. “Your questioning God has put us all in danger. If we do not pray for your forgiveness, He may punish us all.”

         “I did nothing wrong and I don't need your fucking God's forgiveness.”

         They both gasped, her hand whipped threw the air, stinging my cheek as it made contact. My head swung to one side and then the other. Lamech grabbed her arms and turned her away from me. “Leave us.”

         She walked calmly to the car, wiping tears from her cheeks as Lamech's eyes met mine. He stepped toward me and I stepped back. He grabbed my shoulders and brought me to him, embracing me. “It is okay, child,” he whispered. “God will forgive you. He knows of your grief and how it rules your tongue.” Slowly, gently, he lowered us to our knees. “We must pray.”

         I mimicked his gestures of lowered head and clasped hands, listening to the sound of traffic passing by and wishing someone –anyone, would stop and save me from whatever was happening.

         “Amen.”

         “Amen,” I repeated and then stood to find Adah smiling, tears still staining her cheeks as she ran to me and wrapped me in her arms.

         She kissed my cheek. “Do you not feel better now?” she asked excitedly. “Do you not feel lighter knowing that you have gained his forgiveness?”

         I only smiled in response, not knowing what else to do.

         I was silent for the rest of the drive, too afraid to speak. I watched as the world transformed around in me from city to country and back again.

         We stopped for food, but Lamech ordered for all of us. I responded to their small talk and kept myself from complaining about the salad he had ordered... it's lack of taste and my desire for dressing. I watched as they ate steaks and wondered why I couldn't eat what I chose. For all he knew, I was allergic to lettuce; who was he to order for me?

         We continued the drive, me hoping each time we passed a city that we would stop. As that got fewer and farther between, though, I began to face my fear that I may be stranded in some countryside with Adah, Lamech, and who knows how many just like them.

         I kept my silence and wished I had book to read or my iPod to listen to, but I had nothing, according to them, that was suitable and would not offend God. I stared up at the darkening sky and began to wonder if He really was up there and, if so, had He really chosen this path for me?

         I leaned my head against the window and slid into a much desired sleep.


Word Count: 1227
Written On: April 24, 2010