The Kid

The Kid


“The CIA agent is here for the briefing, sir.”

“Yes, yes, send him in.”

Special Agent Crawford entered the Oval Office and introduced himself.

“Very good to meet you, Special Agent Crawford.  I’m the President of the United States, in case you didn’t recognize me.  Crawford huh, like the town in Texas?  You got a first name Special Agent Crawford?”

“Well yes, I recognized you and since you’ve taken up residence in the White House I was pretty sure you were the President.  Yes, it’s Crawford, just like the town.  My first name is Strange.”

“Aah, I see, so is mine.”

“No I mean, ‘Strange’ is my first name.  My daddy named me after Robert McNamara, the secretary of defense back in the 1960’s.  His middle name was Strange, Robert Strange McNamara.  Kids in school used to call me ‘More Than a Little Strange.’  I got beat up a lot.  I think my daddy was a little weird.”

“I can relate to that, Strange.  We can’t pick our parents you know.  It’s sometimes tough on kids growing up with stra…uh, I mean, unusual names.  It makes us stronger though, I think.  I remember growing up, back home, in my native land…uh, uh, the United States of America.  I remember other children sticking their fingers in their mouths and pretending to throw-up when they said my name.”

“Please sir, I prefer just being called Crawford.”

“Very well, Crawford.  And you may call me Mr. President.”

“If I may ask, why am I here Mr. President?”

“Ah, a good question and right to the point.  I like that Crawford.  The reason you’re here is to find that kid, the one I’ve been telling everyone about.  The kid that’s going to solve the world’s energy needs.  I’ve mentioned him several times.  Right now, we don’t have the technology to do the things I’ve promised, but I know that somewhere there’s a kid that’s going to fix everything.  He’s out there somewhere working on these problems.  We need him now.  It’s time to flush him out of the woodwork.  This is between you and me.  I don’t want any of those glory hounds in on this.  You’ll report directly to me.  Bring him to me Crawford.”

“Mr. President, sir, the CIA doesn’t believe the kid exists.  Really, some of the things you’ve proposed are in direct conflict with the natural laws.  I’m sorry sir; I don’t think I can help you.”

“Crawford, Crawford, Crawford, I’m surprised at you.  Laws are only laws.  It’s a living document; it’s meant to be re-written again and again.  Remember, I’m the President--I can re-write it any way I want.”

“I think you’re speaking of the United States Constitution, Mr. President.  Some laws can’t be re-written, no matter how much we would like to change them.”

“Crawford, you poor misguided special agent, it’s apparent just how much the conservative extremists have brainwashed you.  Crawford, I just want you to think about this.  Do you remember Star Trek, the original series, not those later ones?  How many times did Scotty hysterically exclaim, ‘Captain, the engines canna take any more,’ only to be proven wrong by Kirk’s tenacity?  How many times did McCoy conquer the unconquerable disease only after Kirk inspired him to go beyond his own capabilities?  How many times was Spock left with egg on his face after Kirk’s intuition proved far superior to Spock’s logic?  Kirk was, and still is, my hero.  You may wonder why I pause after every forth word when I make a speech.  It’s because I know that’s how Kirk would say it.  Well Crawford, I am the Captain Kirk of the United States of America.  Yes I am!”

“Sir, Star Trek was a science fiction television show.  There’s no such thing as faster than light travel.  There’s no matter/anti-matter power source.  No phasers, no transporter, none of those things exist.”

“I’m glad you now see the dilemma, Crawford.  That’s why the world needs me to tax and tax and tax until coal and oil are finally taxed out of existence.  I’ll get rid of the coal and oil but we can’t have free energy; we can’t have cars running forever on a speck of antimatter, we can’t have any of those things until we find the kid.  Only then, can I unite my world under one leader, one… uh… president.  Only then, will my planet have the bright future I have promised.  But Crawford, in order to accomplish my great plan, I need that kid!”

“Mr. President, I think the FBI is better equipped to locate missing persons.”

“Oh no, no, no, Special Agent Crawford, this kid could be anywhere in the world.  I can’t have the FBI involved.  The CIA is much better at sneaking around than the FBI.  We wouldn’t want this to get out and have some other country snatching this kid out of our hands, now would we Crawford?”

The President handed Crawford a credit card.  “This is your triple golden MasterCard; it’s good all over the world.  All expenses up to three trillion dollars will be paid directly from the United States Treasury.  And, of course, the U.S. Treasury is fully backed by the Chinese government.  Money is no object, Crawford; go out and find that kid!”

Crawford sighed.  He said, “I’ll do my best, Mr. President.”

Crawford left the White House reeling from the thought of the task before him.  He had almost single-handedly brought down a number of petty dictators.  He had caused the collapse of gigantic financial institutions.  He had…well some things he had done were so top secret that he wasn’t allowed to even think about those, but never before had he been given such an impossible assignment.  As he thought about it, his mood started to lighten.  This imaginary kid, who did not exist in any part of the world, could not exist in Tahiti just as easily as any other place.  Tahiti would be a good place to start.  Who could know where the search might lead?  Yes, in three years, by the time the new administration took over, Special Agent Strange Crawford would be tanned and well rested.  Maybe this wasn’t such a bad assignment after all.