Economic Stimulus

Economic Stimulus


The President fidgeted.  He looked up and down the seats filled with his handpicked cabinet.  Suddenly he stood.  “It’s not working!” he exclaimed while glaring at the Secretary of Commerce.  “You told me it would work and it’s not working!”  He was almost screaming while glaring at each of this select group lest they get the idea he was letting any of them off the hook.  “Throw billions, hell throw trillions of dollars at it and that will fix it, you said.  FDR fixed it once, you said.  Just follow FDR’s lead and everything will work out.  Yeah right, it’s sure workin’ fine, ain’t it?  Why do you think you’re all sitting here?  It sure ain’t for your ability to fill out a tax return.”

Sweating profusely the Commerce Secretary meekly said, “Sir, I ah, well I believe the stimulus package was your idea.”

“Hell yes, it was my idea.  You think I could count on any one of you idiots to figure a way out of this depression…damn…economic downturn?  Now everybody’s got me saying it.  This whole thing has me all bollixed up.”

“But sir, you signed it.”

“I know I signed it.  It’s not my fault!  It’s congress’s fault.  They’re the ones to blame, them and YOU!  How was I to know four million was going towards developing better banjo strings, huh?  Fourteen million for a feather mattress company!  Who the hell wants to sleep on a bunch of feathers?  You’re the ones that are supposed to be telling me about all this garbage that got added in.  You think I got time to read all this stuff?  Where did I find out about it, huh?  Not from you!  Nooooo… I hear it from all those right wing media nuts.  You people better shape up or get ready to get shipped out!”

The Commerce Secretary looked as if he wanted to say something more until the Labor Secretary touched his sleeve and very discretely rotated his head just slightly to the left.

The Secretary of Defense remained calm throughout the whole tirade.  Finally when the lull seemed likely to last for a few seconds he said, “If I may, Mr. President, I believe we have a possible solution to our current situation.  We all got together and came up with a contingency plan just in case, well, you know if something went wrong with your stimulus plan…uh…brilliant stimulus plan.”

“Have you knuckleheads been making plans behind my back?”  He looked squarely at the Vice President.  “You were in on this?”

The Vice President spoke for the first time, quite unusual for him.  “I know of many events.  Over time, and I mean after recorded history started, as I’ve stated on many occasions, off the record.  To most there’s no mention of any fact, but yes I know where I was at the time.  Remember the time at that rally when?  No I can clearly say…”  From there his narrative just tapered off to a low mumble.

Half of the assembly had dozed off while the other half seemed to be studying their fingernails or adjusting their ties.  The President, whose eyebrows had arched almost to the point of contacting his hairline, came very close to asking the question, “What?”, before coming to his senses at the last instant.

The President looked down, shook his head slightly from side to side and let out a great sigh.  He turned to the Secretary of Defense.  “Go ahead.  Tell me about this plan you’ve cooked up.”

“Well sir, Roosevelt’s policies did do much to alleviate the country’s woes.  The New Deal did in fact have a positive impact on the American quality of life, however it didn’t end the depression.  Actually World War 2 returned us to economic health.  Sir; we need another world war.”

“Are you out of your mind?  I’m trying to end two wars right now.  And you want to start another one?”

“This will be a different kind of war, sir, a war between two great nations.  The Pentagon has run a number of scenarios.  The consensus is that the most profitable war we could wage would be with Canada.  It would be glorious!”

All the rest of the assembly was looking left then right, up then down, anywhere except at either the President or the Defense Secretary.

The President stood for a moment just staring blankly at the Secretary of Defense.  He then raised his arms and his gaze to the ceiling.  “I am the leader of the greatest, most powerful nation in the world and here I stand, surrounded by a room full of lunatics,” a rapid twitch now discernable on his cheek just under his left eye.

“Sir, please hear me out.  We’ve been in touch with several high-level Canadian government officials.  They are in agreement.  A war between our two countries will benefit both.”

“The Canadians are in on this too!  Good grief!  Wars are bloody and expensive, haven’t you people been paying attention?  Oh what the hell; go ahead let’s hear it.”

The Defense Secretary began,  “This will be a totally bloodless war.  A strategic plan will be in place to make sure no one gets shot.  One reason that modern warfare is so expensive is the high cost of ordinance, million dollar bombs, multi-billion dollar tanks and planes and only a few people making any real money on them.  First, we get the economy going by hiring hundreds of thousands of people.  They will make short-range rockets, very short-range rockets, thousands of them and paint balls, lots and lots of paint balls.  Jeeps, we will need thousands of Willys Jeeps for boarder patrol as well as M4 Sherman tanks, at least a thousand.  Then there’s K rations, millions of K rations.  Of course we’ll have to include McDonald’s gift certificates in those rations.  All in all we expect to see a boost in manufacturing unprecedented since the 40’s.  We project putting ten million people back to work, people working again, making money, spending money and paying taxes.  We will also be issuing War Bonds.  In a matter of weeks the whole country will be back on its feet.  With your Declaration of War the first jeeps and tanks can roll off the line in three weeks.”

“You want to fight a war in which no one gets hurt using outdated 1940’s era equipment, that we don’t have, fought by a military force living on K rations and Big Macs.  Let’s see.  How should I put this?  I think the proper response is; YOU’RE ALL NUTS!!!  I could have stayed in my comfortable little Senate seat, not accountable to anybody, but no…not me…I just had to be President.”

The President rose from his chair.  He studied each of his staff for signs of a practical joke they may be playing on him, finding none he said, “Frankly I’m at my wits end.  Oddly enough I’m inclined to go along with this harebrained scheme but before I declare war on Canada is there anything any of you want to add?”

The Vice President stood and said, “My friends before you I stand.  I once heard a funny story about a bear and a chicken.  It seems the chicken.  I had no knowledge of my involvement with.  Will someone please answer the phone?  Before long the score was tied at.  Where’s the restroom?  Sir, I knew Calvin Coolidge and you are no Calvin Coolidge.  Pasadena, ah what memories.  Uhmmmmm.”

Fortunately the Interior Secretary snorted himself awake and in doing so broke the spell that had befallen everyone else in the room.

The decision was made.  In the following week the Canadian Prime Minister and the President of the United States made a joint Declaration of War.  At a Press Conference held in the West Wing the President said, “On this date, with the full support of Congress, I declare the United States of America to be in a state of war with our neighbor to the north, the great nation of Canada.”  He then ducked out to the Rose Garden for a quick smoke leaving the Vice President to field questions from the Press.  Not one reporter had the slightest idea what the VP had said but by the end they all felt terribly violated.  By the end of the day all the media outlets were buzzing with demands for retaliation.  American pride and patriotism swelled to a new high.

Likewise in Canada excerpts of the Vice President’s comments were televised causing a cry for retribution for the insults made by the imperialistic Americans.

During the three weeks before the first of the provisions could be delivered a battle plan was put in place.  Rules of Engagement were revised.

The President, on the issue of prisoners of war, flatly stated, “I think I’ve made myself clear on the issue of inhumane interrogation.  I’ll have none of it.  Understood?”

“Absolutely Mr. President.  Ice cream is the only method of torture to be used.  Granted, very cold ice cream.  We’ve investigated this thoroughly.  All the volunteer subjects in our tests have proven to be willing to give up their best-kept secrets, even give up their own grandmothers to avoid another ice cream headache.  And if the question ever arises, hey we’re just giving them their just desserts, heh, heh, heh.”

The President squinted one eye, his jaws seeming to rapidly clinch then un-clinch.  “Ok; ice cream torture is acceptable, everything and I mean everything else is out of bounds.  Got it!”

“Got it sir.”

“And no one gets hurt!  Am I clear on that?”

“Very clear sir.”

The plan completed, the war began.

The Third Infantry was put in place guarding the northwestern US border.  They faced off against an equal number of Canadians.  A hail of paintballs was unleashed during the first three days of combat.  The ground fifty feet on either side of the border ran orange.  The Sierra Club filed an immediate protest that ended some of the messiest fighting of all times.  With no other weapons at their disposal both armies were reduced to shouting obscenities at each other.  The Americans clearly won these daily skirmishes since most of the Canadians were screaming the vilest of epithets in French.  Having no knowledge of the French language the Americans were hardly offended at all.

The tanks were deployed to Nebraska where it was felt they would best be utilized.  The battle plan had included using the tanks to churn up the fields for spring planting.  Someone completely unfamiliar with farming techniques thought the twisting and turning tracks would plow the ground.  Instead they had the effect of packing the soil so tightly you couldn’t drive a stake into it.  Nebraska came close to joining forces with Canada.  Only a quick response by the President promising increased farm subsidies avoided an escalation in the war.

The United Nations demanded an immediate end to hostilities.  As usual the UN was totally ignored.

For two weeks thousands of rockets having a range of just under one mile were fired at Canada from the south shore of Lake Erie.  The offensive came to an abrupt end when reports from another environmental group that had been counting dead fish along the shoreline for years indicated a four percent increase.

Mexico, finally deciding to throw it’s support to Canada, began a massive assault on the US’s southern border.  It fell flat when no one seemed to notice the increase in Mexican invaders.

There was only one casualty in the conflict that would go down in the history books as The War of the Americas.  A lone moose wandering along the Canada-Alaska border became the only road-kill victim during the entire operation, both sides alternately claiming then denying responsibility.

The whole moose incident blew over with no conclusion ever made, however only days later at a Republican rally in Juno moose barbecue was served.  The true source of the meat was never revealed.

In the Alaskan governor’s office the unfortunate moose’s head was mounted on a wall behind the governor’s desk.  For a while there was a plaque under the head that stated ‘The Moose Stops Here’, inspired of course by the famous sign ‘The Buck Stops Here’ that had at one time occupied a place on President Truman’s desk.  The plaque remained for several days before it was surreptitiously removed after the night janitor, an amateur historian, commented that the original sign had more to do with the game of poker than with a wild male ruminate.  The governor narrowly escaped the embarrassment of being linked to gambling and the Democratic Party.

The war went exceptionally well especially considering the normal course of wars.  There was no pain and suffering.  No devastated countries to rebuild, absolutely none of the usual horrors.  In fact both Canada and the United States within a few short weeks were now once again prosperous.  The banks were giving out credit cards as fast as they could be printed.  Corporate CEO’s were flitting across the country in their private jets.  Nearly everyone was buying a new car.  Life was good once again.

The Armistice was signed during the usual fanfare.  An oath of renewed friendship between the two countries was sealed with a firm handshake and, as some closest to them noticed, a sly wink.  After the signing the Prime Minister accepted the President’s invitation to visit Camp David.

At Camp David the two world leaders told old war stories while enjoying Chicago style pizza and Molson beer.  They had a great time.