Airport Security (No profiling allowed)

Airport Security (No profiling allowed)


I quit.  Well, I haven’t quit yet, but I’m going to, first thing in the morning.  I didn’t know what I was getting into.  I’m an airport security officer, well, trainee actually, or was, or I guess I still am, till tomorrow morning.

I had my training, but they never told me about how dangerous this job is.  Some might think quitin’ after only one day ain’t givin’ it enough time, but I’m a fast learner.

This morning started out well enough.  I really liked my uniform.  I had a radio and everything.  The director told me I’d be working with George, getting my on-the-job training.

George is a grumpy old guy, but after some coffee and a few donuts he kinda mellowed out a little.  George told me, “Listen up, Boy.  Just do what I tell ya and we’ll get along fine.”

Everything went downhill from there.

Out in the terminal George said, “Now we ain’t tour guides and we ain’t here to give directions, we’re here because we’re authority figures.  Look serious and keep your eyes peeled for anything that looks suspicious.  Got it?”

I wasn’t sure if I’d know what was suspicious or not.  I thought about looking serious.  George looked so serious that I figured his scowl would probably etch glass if he looked at it long enough.  I certainly didn’t want that look.  What if some pretty girl was admiring me in my uniform?  I said, “Got it.”

We made our rounds through the terminal, George lumbering along, scowling, me trailing behind, when suddenly, something caught his attention.  George stopped and I almost ran into him, a close call.  I could imagine bumping into him and him turning around and hurting me with his face.

While George was watching whatever he was watching, I just walked around in circles, trying to look important.  That’s when I saw this guy.  I don’t know if he looked suspicious or not, but he was, at least…peculiar.

I said, “Hey George, look at that guy.”

“What guy?” George growled.

“That guy over there, the one with the long beard and towel wrapped around his head.  He looks like he’s wearin’ a truck tire under that robe.”

I wouldn’t have believed it possible, but George screwed up his face even more.  “Shush, you want to get us both fired?  Boy, you better read your handbook again.  No racial or religious profiling. Ain’t that clear enough?”

“But…” I said, maybe a little too loudly.  I didn’t like being called Boy, but if George was as old as he looked probably every male in the country seemed like a boy to him.  I toned it down.  “I thought he looked a little suspicious.  I think he’s awful skinny to have such a big belly.”

“Well, quit thinking.”

“But…”

“Shush!  Look over there!  Now that’s suspicious.  See that woman.  She looks like she’s up to no good.  She’s lookin’ this way, then that, real nervous like.  Probably lookin’ for her fellow terrorists.”

I looked to where George was pointing.  “That little old lady?”  She reminded me of my grandma, except grandma doesn’t use a cane.

George keyed his radio and said, “Unit 7…we have a live one, Sector three.”

While George was talking to Security Command Center, I glanced back at ‘spare tire guy.’  He was holding what looked like a cell phone and had his finger poised over the phone.  He seemed to be paying a lot of attention to what we were doing instead of completing his call.  Odd, I thought.

I didn’t have much time to think about it because that’s when the S.W.A.T. unit arrived and the place went crazy.  People started yelling and running around.  Someone bumped into ‘spare tire guy’ and knocked the phone out of his hand.  It came skidding across the floor in my direction.  ‘Spare tire guy’ started running.  For a guy with such a big belly, he sure could move.  I picked up his phone and yelled at him, but he just kept going toward one of the boarding gates.

Well, I figured he’d just have to buy a new cell phone.  It wasn’t my job to run this guy down.

I turned back to see the little old lady, I couldn’t help but think of her as ‘Granny,’ spread-eagle on the floor.  Over and over she kept saying, “I’m just waiting for my granddaughter.”  One of the suits was carefully examining her cane while another one was pulling inserts out of her orthopedic shoes.  I don’t know their names; I hadn’t been there long enough to learn them.  Anyway, the one with the shoe inserts was poking his finger into one of them.  I heard him say, “These are filled with some sort of gel.  Get the bomb disposal unit here A.S.A.P.”

Another of the suits had pulled something out of Granny’s purse.  He held it down to her nose and demanded to know, “What’s this detonator for?”  Granny kept telling him it was a diabetic monitor, but the suit was having none of it.

Well, Granny was led away in handcuffs.  Me and George were out of it.  I was glad of that.  I really wasn’t cut out for this kind of excitement.  I just wanted to put in my hours, draw my pay, you know.  I got to thinking maybe I might try the Border Patrol, you know, not much is expected, just kinda let things happen.  I wondered what kind of uniform they wore.  Right then, it was just a thought.

Me and George were left alone in a completely empty terminal.  George said, “Welcome to the world of Airport Security, Boy.”

Yeah, I thought; then I remembered ‘spare tire guy’s’ cell phone.  I pulled it out of my pocket, strangest looking phone I’ve ever seen.  There was a string of numbers on the display.  I thought, what the heck…I might as well try to find out who he was calling, maybe find out how to return his phone.  I pushed the send button.

I couldn’t believe it.  I just got the phone up to my ear and there’s this loud boom from the other end of the terminal.  I thought, ‘Geesh, now what?’

At least me and George didn’t have to get into that mess; one of the suits sent us home.  I didn’t know what happened till I saw the evening news.  Some diplomat from one of them foreign countries got blown up when a propane tank on one of the luggage shuttles exploded.  I didn’t think they even had propane tanks.  They showed the President apologizing and sending his condolences…oh, you probably saw all that, so you know as much as I do.

Anyway, that’s it for me.  Granny terrorists and exploding propane tanks, airports just ain’t a safe place to be.  Tomorrow, I’m headin’ for the border.  And, I’m takin’ the bus.