Cutting Thru the B.S. (Bill Shakespeare)

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Cutting Through the B.S. (Bill Shakespeare)
a.k.a. "Romeo & Juliet: Act 2 - Scene 2"

Interpreted by Indelibleink

Were you one of those kids in high school who cringed when you found out that the assignment in your English class was to read Shakespeare? That was quite a leap from Animal Farm, wasn't it, Bunky? The whole scenario was fairly traumatic unto itself, right? I'll bet you're one of those who, while at a party, when the topic of conversation turns to Romeo and Juliet, discreetly slinks off and starts downing Jello shots by the dozen, right? Then you'd get drunk and throw up, and...a real mess, no? All because of this guy Shakespeare, and his inane writing style.

Well, freteth not, (darned) spot! We're going to get you through this. The man is actually quite literal. Sit back and observe just how easy translating Shakespeare really is. We're going to translate - line by excruciating line - what B. S. was really saying about other B. S. ("Balcony Scene") of Romeo and Juliet. Trust me: After you breeze through this you'll be a real expert at B.S. I know I am.

So now, let the B. S. begin...



                            What Bill wrote:                                                    What Bill meant:

                              (Romeo...)                                                              (Romie...)

    But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?          Yo! That sun is bright! Close the freaking curtain!

    It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.                                   Outta the east? Must be mornin.' Don't tell me that groupie Julie is
                                                                                          comin' around again. Seriously, what part of "Take a hike" didn't
                                                                                          she understand? Man...
                   
    Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,                          I'll kill my peep, "Moon-man" if he don't play fair!

    Who is already sick and pale with grief,                            I told Moonie you never mix beer and wine. Now he pays!

    That thou her maid art far more fair than she:                      Yo...That kitchen-help babe is hot! Think I have a shot?

    Be not her maid, since she is envious;                              On the other hand, if Julie finds out it could be "curtains" for me!

    Her vestal livery is but sick and green                                The rest of the babes in the 'hood ain't all that hot

    And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.                            What am I thinking? That Julie has a temper! Forget about it.

    It is my lady, O, it is my love!                                            I really could have used another hour or two of sleep, y'all!

    O, that she knew she were!                                              Man...When she finds out I'm about to dump her...

    She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?                Typical female. No surprise there.

    Her eye discourses; I will answer it.                                  That lazy eye thing just creeps me out.

    I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:                            Who the heck is she talkin' to? Is she on a cell phone? 

    Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,                            Anyone see Pamela Anderson on Dancing with the Stars? 

    Having some business, do entreat her eyes                      My eyes almost popped out of their sockets!

    To twinkle in their spheres till they return.                          My head's still spinnin' 

    What if her eyes were there, they in her head?                  Sure hope Julie didn't notice me lookin'

    The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,      Man, she would kick my...

    As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven                      She always notices everything I do, man!

    Would through the airy region stream so bright                  It's kinda stuffy in here. Cracketh a window.

    That birds would sing and think it were not night.              Stupid birds...always a-chirpin'. Don't they know it's still mornin'?

    See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!                  I sure wish she wouldn't slouch like that. Very un-becoming.

    O, that I were a glove upon that hand,                              Just one glove? Who is she, Michael Jackson??

    That I might touch that cheek!                                          Just to mess up "Little Miss Perfect's" make-up!


There. That wasn't so bad, was it? Pretty straightforward, eh? As Tina Turner once sang, "What's loveth got to doeth with it?" So, next time some comedian starts mouthing off about Romeo-this or Juliet-that, don't just sit there and take his load of B. S.! Make him walk a mile through your B. S. first! Maketh your case. Then see who's hitting the Jello shots!

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