My Only Brother

I was born as the fourth child in a family of seven children.  There were seven years between me and my older brother.  His name was Leonard.  When he was younger, we called him Lenny.  When he was older, we called him Len.  He was my only brother.  I truly did not realize how precious he was to me until his death.  Now I mourn him every year on February 14, which is his birth date.  As a matter of fact, my mother wanted to name him Valentino because he was born on Valentine's Day.  But my father insisted that his only son would be named after my mother's father, who was also named Leonard.  It was probably a blessing that my mother went along with my father's wishes, because if my brother had been named Valentino, he would have had even more problems.

My brother Len was basically a good boy, but it seemed as though trouble followed him around.  It was as though he had a black cloud over his head.  I think the predicaments which Len got himself into were things which most boys were involved with.  The only difference between my brother and the other boys was my father.

My father was very strict, and I am really not sure why.  I think my father was brought up by a strict father, also, and then naturally he believed his own upbringing was the way in which all children should be brought up.  Once my sisters and I were disciplined by my father for some transgression we had committed, we never committed that transgression again.  This was because my father's punishments were always harsh.  But for some reason, my brother never seemed to learn his lesson.  He always repeated his mistakes.  Each time he repeated a mistake, my father would punish him worse than the time before.  Many times my brother learned his lesson at the other end of my father's belt.  In those days, it was more acceptable for parents to discipline their children in this way.  My father was very good at it.  But Len kept making the same mistakes over and over again.

I always felt sorry for Len when my father would punish him.  I could never figure out why Len could not "shape up", as my father would say.  To this day I am not sure whether it was rebellious behavior or foolish behavior on the part of my brother.

While we were growing up, my brother did not like me very much, and I knew the reason for this.  One time, after we brought home our report cards, Len's card was filled with D's and F's.  My father was not happy about this.  My report card was filled with A's and B's.  As my father was lecturing Len about his report card, he said, "Look at your little sister, Cindy.  She is seven years younger than you and she did a lot better in school than you did.  I don't understand!  Why can't you be more like your little sister?"  I believe this made my brother resentful.  It was a natural reaction on his part. 

It seemed like every time my brother and I were put together for whatever reason, such as doing the dishes, Len would say something mean to me.  Of course, I never told my father because I did not want Len to get into trouble.  So I would turn the other cheek and keep quiet.

I must say that Len wasn't always mean to me -- just most of the time.  When I entered the local Winter Carnival pageant, I was actually chosen to be the new Princess of Snowflakes.  I remember my brother saying to me, "Wow, Cindy.  You look really good tonight.  I'm glad you won."  I was so happy when he said this, and I felt as though I were walking on air for the rest of the evening.

Then there was the time when my father put Len in charge of me.  Because I was the new Princess of Snowflakes for our part of the city, it was necessary for me to travel to another community center to participate in the judging process for the city-wide Winter Carnival Pageant.  Len accompanied me on the bus and was with me at the community center.  While the judging was taking place, a dance was being held in another part of the building.  My brother was dancing with me to some fast music and before I knew it, there was a circle formed around my brother as everyone watched him dance.  He was a very good dancer, and it seemed as though the other kids were in awe of him.  I was so proud  to be his sister that evening.  The judging took a lot longer than expected, and we arrived home quite late.  This was the one time when my brother and I were in trouble together with my father.  My father believed it was far too late for us to be home.  So we took our punishment, but that could not make us forget the wonderful time we had experienced together. 

I also remember a time when my brother protected me.  We were at the Minnesota State Fair and we wanted to ride on the roller coaster.  My mother and all of my siblings were there with me.  It was decided that Len would sit with me on the roller coaster.  I was never so scared in my whole life.  I thought for sure I would fly out of the seat and I feared for my life.  My brother could see how frightened I was.  He put his arm around me and held on tight, saying the entire time, "It's okay, Cindy.  You're going to be okay.  I won't let anything bad happen to you".  He was being a good big brother.

Len did have a hard life.  He had "buck teeth" as it used to be called and he had to wear braces.  He was called "Bucky" many times by other kids.  I knew this hurt him and he wanted the kids to stop teasing him and stop making fun of him.  Len really did not have much of a strong ego while growing up.  The harsh discipline  of my father, the names the kids called him, and his school grades really lowered Len's self-esteem.  I did feel sorry for my brother, even though he was not very nice to me most of the time.

Our relationship improved after Len was married and on his own.  Len and his wife had two children -- John and Suzie.  He loved his children very much.  They lived in a trailer court.  The first time we visited him in his new home, he showed us his newest possession -- an organ.  I have always had a passion for music, and was constantly singing.  My brother knew about my love for music, and when he showed us the organ, he said, "Go ahead Cindy.  You can play my organ if you want.  Let me show you how it works."  After receiving my brother's permission and instructions, I sat down at the organ and suddenly was carried away into a new world.  Nothing else seemed to matter.  Len knew how this made me feel, because he felt the same way about his organ.  After that, every time we visited Len, he encouraged me to play the organ.  I eagerly complied, grateful that he had given me this privilege.

Len was an alcoholic.  I'm not really sure why he ended up taking this path, but now as I look back, I think my father was an alcoholic as well.  Some of my sisters agree with me.  I have done some research in the area of alcoholism being hereditary, and I found that the general school of thought today is that alcoholism is hereditary, in that children of alcoholics are genetically predispositioned towards alcoholism. Statistics show that children of alcoholics are four times more likely to go down that road themselves.  Being an alcoholic did not make Len's life any better.  He was also a chain smoker and a bus driver -- stressful conditions indeed.  He also suffered from severe hypertension, and I think he was depressed.  I am telling these things so you may understand Len a little bit better.

Len was very attached to my mother, which makes sense, considering the way my father treated him.  My mother always stood up for my brother, just as any mother would do.  When my mother died, my brother went into a deep state of mourning.  I think it took him a long time to get over my mother's death.  I guess a parent's death is not really something that one "gets over" but you can become resolved to it.

After my mother's death, Len and his wife divorced.  He rented an apartment and lived by himself.  I don't remember exactly when he began dating.  However, I do remember his girlfriend.  I think she made him happy.  My brother needed to have a woman in his life to love him and take care of him.  We all know that when you are loved, it makes your life better.  The same applied to my brother.

I was working as a registered nurse in the operating room when my brother died.  I remember every detail.  I had worked all night on the Saturday before my brother's death.  On Sunday I came home around noon, and all I wanted to do was sleep.  As a matter of fact, I was just falling asleep when I heard our telephone ring.  My husband was there to answer it.  A few minutes later, my husband came into our bedroom and told me that Len and his girlfriend were coming over.

"Why did you let him come over?  You know that I need to sleep!" I admonished my husband.  I was tired, cranky, and angry, and I really did not feel like having company.

"I said yes because Len sounded like he really wanted to come over for a visit," my husband told me.

As I reluctantly left my bed and hurriedly dressed, I thought about how this was such an odd occurrence.  Even though my brother and I were finally friends after our childhood years, he had never called to say he wanted to visit us.  It was a strange situation, but I finally accepted it and picked up a few things here and there before my brother and his girlfriend arrived.

While they were at our house, the four of us played a game of "Trivial Pursuit".  My memories of this occasion are crystal clear, and I will never forget it.  It was decided that Len and I would be on one team, and my husband, Mike and Len's girlfriend would be our opponents.  Len and I really clicked as a team, and we won the game hands down.  As a matter of fact, we "cleaned their clocks," as Len put  it. 

Even though I started out crabby and resentful, I ended up having a wonderful time.  Len and his girlfriend were our guests for about four hours, and I think it was the best four hours my brother and I ever had in our entire lives as brother and sister.  To this very day, I am so grateful that my husband said "yes" to Len instead of telling him I needed to sleep.

Three days later, Len's girlfriend found him dead in his apartment.  My poor brother died all alone of a massive heart attack.  He had lived a stressful lifestyle and it had finally caught up with him.  There was no one there to be with him when he died.  I was the last person in our family to see my brother alive.  I think Len had a feeling his life was coming to an end, even though he was only forty years old.  Perhaps this was the reason for his visit three days before.  Maybe in his subconscious mind he felt he was going to die.  Perhaps he did not realize it; and for some reason, he chose to see me instead of my other sisters.  I am forever grateful for this fact.

I am saddened because my brother could not meet my daughters, although he had been an uncle to our son.  I am sorry he could not watch his children grow up because they are the most wonderful adults I have ever known.  Len loved his children very much, and I know it was a blow to him after his divorce when they were no longer living with him. I am sorry Len could not meet his grandchildren.  He would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I miss my brother, Len.  I know he was a special gift from God.  I am certain that he and my mother are together in Heaven with God our Father.  I know that Len watches over me,  and I know he watches over his children.  I believe Len is happier now in Heaven than he had ever been in his life on earth, which is how it should be.  I look forward to the day when I will see him again, and I know we will spend eternity together.