Interview with an Emoticon

Prompt for July 2010:

Use an interview technique to create a memorable character. Interviews should include dialog between your character (the interviewee) and one other character (the interviewer). The questions should elicit responses that allow the judges to get to know your character.

The task is simple: use an interview format to introduce your character to the reader.

Your interview must:
Introduce your character through a dialog exchange, not a story.
Follow a question and answer interview format using open-ended questions.
Rated 18+ or below: Any entry that falls above this rating will be disqualified.
2000 words or less: Word count must be provided at the bottom of the item or your entry will be disqualified.
Newly written for this contest: Create your interview as a Static Item and keep it in your portfolio. Send us the item ID number in {b-item:xxxxxx} format of the item you wish to submit using this survey form below.
Submitted One Time Only: You may only enter this contest one time per round, so make it a good one!
Edited Only Until the Deadline: Entries edited after the submission deadline may be disqualified from winning without notice.

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Interview with an Emoticon

By Indelibleink

(Interviewer's Note: It is common knowledge that the presence of the so-called "emoticon" gracing the pages of any credible literary work in any capacity garnered only one emotion from this interviewer: that of disdain. Emoticon, fully aware of this writer's opinion, agreed this interview for the opportunity to "set the record straight." At the request of Emoticon, the meeting was held in a small coffee shop inside a large retail book store, adjacent to a Wal-Mart, in mid-July of 2010. Emoticon arrived approximately 23 minutes later than the scheduled 8:30AM meeting time.

Indelibleink (II): Thank you for agreeing to meet for this interview. You look upset. Is everything okay?

Emoticon (E): The parking here is ridiculous! I'll calm down in a moment. My apologies.

II: I'll cut right to the chase: You've known for some time how I feel about emoticons in general, yet you still agreed to meeting with me this morning. I'd like to know why...

E: Because you're what's known in the biz as a 'dinosaur', pal. You're the exception to the rule. Everyone uses emoticons now. Everyone!

II: Well, the IRS estimates about 70% of the country cheats on their income tax return to some degree. In other words, the mere support of the masses doesn't necessarily make it right.

E: So what are you now, the spokesperson for the 'moral minority'?

II: Just stating my opinion. You know...I thought it was bad enough when you burst onto the scene many years ago with that big idiotic smile. Not as bad as the "Baby on Board" signs that frequented car windows, perhaps, but still bad. And very annoying.

E: You mean this one: ?

II: Of course I mean that one.

E: You know, when Wal-Mart inked me to a long-term deal, I became quite wealthy.

II: Reason number fifty-three why I don't shop at Wal-Mart. Can you give me one legitimate reason to justify your existence?

E: One? One? Pal, I can give you a hundred reasons!

II: Why don't we just start with the most relevant one?

E: Glad to, Bub. My job is to make communication easier for people everywhere. Anyone with rudimentary intelligence can see that.

II: You're a cheap "short-cut" used to express one's emotions. Thirteen million years ago, when a caveman - let's call him "Grog" - went out and killed a wooly mammoth to provide some lunch for his family, he came back into his cave and etched a drawing of a wooly mammoth. And then Grog might etch a happy smile face next to the mammoth etching to express his joy...

E: You do realize you're supporting my position and ruining yours with this example, right?

II: Let me finish, oh obnoxious oval. The point I was making was that Grog used pictures back then because he had to! Then guess what? Written language came along. And the happy face etchings on cave walls? They went "bye-bye." You became the dodo bird, baby. Extinct. Irrelevant.

E: I think you're little over-the-top, Jack. I have maintained from the get-go that I'm a supplement - not a replacement. And, you're waaaaaay off the mark with the "obnoxious oval" remark. I'm a perfect circle. See:? And, you, my friend, would be well-served to be as 'extinct' and 'irrelevant' as I am, is that not right?

II: Don't forget what I said earlier about the validity of the opinions of the masses. Another problem I have is that now you seem to be mutating into a bunch of things - not just yellow faces - but all kinds of goofy symbols. Care to comment?

E: *balloon* I have no idea of what you're talking about !

II: Okey-dokey. You realize you're supporting my position and ruining yours with that response, right?

E: Just kidding, my friend. Admit it...You'd secretly love to use me, wouldn't you?

II: Sure. If there's a version of an interviewer bent over and throwing up.

E:

II: Okay - if you don't mind - I'd like to get back to me asking the questions, and you answering them. For instance, when you you were a kid, what was your favorite sport?

E: Volleyball.

II: You played volleyball?

E: I was the volleyball!

II: Didn't it hurt getting slapped around like that?

E: Naaaaah. The flip-side was that I was always the center of attention. All eyes were always focused on me.

II: Still seems like quite a trade-off. Let's change subjects. Tell me: What do your folks think of this 'Emoticon' gig as a livelihood for their son?

E: It took some getting used to. My older brother was doing quite well as a weather balloon, and Mom and Dad had kind of hoped I would follow in his footsteps. When I ran this whole 'Emoticon' concept by them, they found the whole idea, well, rather 'deflating'.

II: I feel their pain - because that's how I would characterize this interview. Any other concerns from your parents now that you've hit the "big time."?

E: Dad expressed fear that this 'rise to stardom' - so to speak - might give me a 'big head'. I said, "Dad...Have you looked in a freaking mirror recently? That's all we are - are big freaking heads." What's his freaking point?

II: I hear that. Do you have any other sibs?

E: No...just me and my bro.

II: What's your marital status? Single? Married?

E: Well, I just got out of a long-term relationship...

II: I'm sorry to hear that. Care to elaborate?

E: Well, if you must know...

II: I must, I must.

E: She lied to me. She was quite a looker, if you know what I mean. She told me that all those curves were "natural." That wasn't the case at all. Turns out there was a lot of silicone in that balloon, if you know what I mean.

II: Honestly, I'm not sure I want to 'know what you mean', if you know what I mean! You raise an interesting thought, though. What is inside of you, anyway. I mean what keeps you suspended in mid-air? Gas? Hidden wires? Voodoo? What?

E: The secret lies in the diet. And, it is all about gas, my friend. It all depends on the job. For instance, if my brother has a big job and has to go high into the stratosphere, he eats a steady diet of nachos and bean dip the day before. Trust me - that diet will keep a space shuttle in orbit for a few days - just think what it will do for a balloon.

II: I just knew I'd regret asking that question. One other thing - do you..."

E: Well, look at the time! I gotta run, pal. I have an appointment over at Target in a few minutes - I'm trying to get them to lose that silly bulls eye and let a highly trained professional such as myself do the 'heavy lifting' for them. Tell me, oh doubting one - do you think I have a shot?

II: Well, Emoticon, let me put it in a manner that I think you'll understand: I don't think you stand a of a chance. Thanks for your time.

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