Simple Observations-Diets

      At any given moment, fifty percent of Americans are either on a diet, or are considering one. The other fifty percent are gleefully dangling huge portions of everything from fried chicken to pizza mere inches from our open and drooling mouths. It should be noted that this fifty percent of non-dieters includes about five percent of Americans who have extremely high metabolisms. This allows them, without the aid of exercise to consume a mind boggling caloric intake of somewhere between ten thousand and one million calories a day. The disturbing thing to us dieters is that even with this huge infusion of food, they never gain an ounce.

    I want to let all of you know that I have made it my life's work, and have been personally passing a petition around to have this five percent of the population shipped to a remote South Seas island. Once there and totally isolated from the rest of civilization, they can continue to eat whatever they want. Back home, we dieters will continue to valiantly struggle on, free of one more temptation.

    This past week I officially started my twenty-sixth distinct and unique diet. I’m working hard, but I’m not having much luck. I think my problem is Will Power. Actually, Will’s a good friend of mine, who owns an incredible Italian restaurant. Their specialty is the most amazing home-made pastas, and their Gnocchi (dumplings) are to die for.

    While trying to stay out of Italian restaurants, I've tried a number of different diets. Two, which are actually pretty good and have worked for many people, are Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Have any of you tried these programs? They're great, but I've had problems not only with their use of exercise, but their reliance on  the procuring and digesting of pre-packaged food. Imagine that a huge box of one hundred pre-packaged and delicious meals are delivered to your front door. The packages include such wonderful cuisine as delectable and cooked to perfection pot roast, along with incredibly creamy New York style cheesecake.

    Are you starting to see my problem? You have to realize that these boxes aren't delivered to just any door. They’re delivered to the door of a man who is often, not only as "hungry as a horse,’ but has been known to actually chase horses while looking for his next meal. After one of these deliveries, what would inevitably happen is that hours later, I would be found barely conscious, lying on the floor in what I call a food stupor. I would be covered in gravy and sauces amid a huge pile of discarded boxes. Even the few unopened boxes would bear the marks of gnawing, as they fell victim to my frantic search for sustenance.

      My other problem with diets is that I always seem to jump right in to them, without taking the time to thoroughly research or understand the program. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me about a new and miraculous way to lose weight known as the "Mediterranean Diet.” She said it was the latest thing, and that all the celebrities were trying it. Not being one to miss out, I decided to give it a try. To make a long story short, I jumped on a plane to Italy, and spent the next three weeks on a beautiful beach along the Mediterranean Sea. Once there, I spent twenty-one magnificent days basking in the sun, eating pasta, and drinking numerous bottles of the excellent local wines. I’m sorry to say, not only did I not lose weight, but I gained fifteen pounds. I hope I have better luck with that "South Beach Diet.” I've heard some wonderful things about it.

    I don't know how many times, in my desperation to shed unwanted pounds, I've resorted to so called, "Fad Diets." Many of them make outrageous and unattainable claims such as the ability to lose fifty pounds in a week without the use of exercise. I once tried what was called the "Four Day Wonder Diet.’ The diet was actually referred to as a semi-starvation diet. Take a little advice from me. Any diet that mentions starvation, usually doesn't work. In the literature about the diet it states, and I quote,

"May lead to fatigue, weakness, and extreme physical complications. Please talk to your Doctor before starting this program.”

    Well, I made an appointment with my physician, who I have been seeing for years to see if he could help me. As he came into the examination room, I said,

  "Hey Doc, I'm starving." He said, “What a coincidence, I’m starving too. Let's go get some lunch. I hear Will Power's Famous Italian Bistro is having a special on pasta.”

      Over the years I’ve tried many fad diets, but they always seem to leave me wanting. The problem is that they leave me wanting a triple whopper with cheese, from Burger King. Have any of you ever heard of the peanut butter diet? It's a diet, that while including exercise and a variety of foods in minuscule portions, focuses on the daily ingestion of large quantities of peanut butter.

    To be honest, I actually lost some weight on this diet. It’s funny, but my weight loss seemed to accelerate about the third day, when after eating two or three jars of peanut butter, my upper and lower jaws became hopelessly stuck together. What made it even more challenging is that my ever-loving, and always helpful wife came rushing to my aid. I could accept the sly, yet devilish grin on her face. What I couldn’t accept was her carrying a box of dry and salty, saltine crackers.

    The final fad diet I've tried, and I'm not making this up, is called "The Baby Food Diet.” In this diet, snacks and some meals are replaced with jars of baby food, which if you check the labels are very nutritious, and low in fat. After ingesting fifty jars of baby food, frantically searching for adult diapers in size XXL and being roughly burped by my wife, I have only two words to say,

"Goo, goo."

      After all my diet failures, and with my weight and appetite continuing to rise, I've decided to come up with my own diet programs. Hopefully, I will ultimately be able to help millions of people, who like me, struggle with their love of food. The first diet I'm sure will be a big success. I call it the "Kindergartner Diet". A few years ago I had heard a comedian talking about how brutally honest young children can be. In his routine he said,

"Did you ever notice how children are always so honest? If a small child of four or five tells you you're ugly, then you're ugly! You better lose twenty pounds, visit a plastic surgeon, and if all else fails buy some paper bags.”

    I took that comic’s advice to heart. My diet involves volunteering in a daycare or a kindergarten class for maybe three or four weeks. Imagine some of the innocent and yet honest comments I'll hear and use to motivate myself to lose weight. Some of the comments may include:

    "Mister, you're fatter than my daddy. Excuse me mister, Mrs. Smith says you're so fat, because you probably ate a horse. Mister, do you work at a circus?”

    Get the idea? I’m already starting to feel my metabolism increasing, my appetite being suppressed, and those stubborn pounds beginning to melt away.

    My second, and which I feel will be my most successful diet plan, I call the "Naked Diet.” It is the simplest and easiest to implement. It requires no exercise, or special food. I would like to warn you though, that it should be used only as a last resort. If all of your previous diets have been complete and disastrous failures. If you've thought of bariatric surgery to lose weight. If like me, while taking a much needed vacation at the beach you were mistaken for a beached aquatic creature, and had to fend off twenty environmentalists and PETA volunteers as they tried to roll you back into the sea; then this diet could be for you.

      All you need to get started is a large, full-length mirror, which should be thoroughly cleaned with glass cleaner to a brilliant shine. Now, this is important. Close and lock every door in the house, as well as make sure that all blinds and curtains are completely closed. Stand in front of the mirror with as many lights on as possible, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and quickly remove all your clothing. This last part is very important. As you open your eyes, be sure to have a phone handy with 911 on speed-dial as well as a fully charged defibrillator.

      I tried the "Naked Diet" last week, and I’m happy to say that I have already lost eight pounds. After looking at my naked body in the full light of day, and with God as my only witness, it seems that I've completely lost my appetite. As a matter-of-fact, I can't even stand the sight of food; especially big, white, fluffy marshmallows.

    There is one problem though that I didn’t anticipate. It appears that I forgot to lock one of the doors, and my wife and son walked in on me while I was in front of the mirror. The good news is that their therapist has informed me that they'll both be making a full recovery.