The Confessional

At five minutes to nine in the evening, Kelly Anne McCaughey slipped into St. Anthony’s Catholic Church, closed the massive oak doors behind her and, as she had been instructed to do, turned a latch to prevent anyone else from coming in. The young mother of two, blessed with flaming red hair, a lithe body and sweet Irish brogue, tiptoed to the Confessional booth and slid into the empty slot.

“Forgive me Father,” she said, “for I…I may have sinned.”

Father Peter Ramone replied in a soft whisper tinted with a heavy Italian accent. “You said that you may have sinned?”

“Yes,” Kelly said. “Before you took over for Father Brown, I would have been sure that I had sinned, but now…”

“Please – tell me what you have done that troubles you.”

“I…I lusted after my neighbor, Father. I always believed that such impure thoughts were a sin, but you explained it to me in the Biblical sense and now, now I’m not sure. I need you to explain it to me again.”

“The Bible,” Father Ramone said, “says thou shall not cover they neighbor’s wife. Now, when the Lord handed down the commandments, he handed them to Moses and was, in effect, speaking to men. At that time women were considered property, thus the prohibition against coveting was associated with property. Women are no longer considered property, at least not in the developed world, and, besides, I believe that the scriptures are silent on coveting a neighbor’s husband. You did, of course, covet a man and not a woman.”

“Oh, yes, Father, but I…I committed adultery with him.”

“Aaah. That is almost surely a sin. I say almost because, as I have told you, Abraham lay with his maid with the full consent of his wife. Hmmm. I think we’ll have to treat that as a sin. The real question is- do you feel contrition?”

“I’m so ashamed, Father. Every time I have sex with a man other than my husband, I feel so ashamed. I’m begging you to give me an act of penance to…”

“Yes, yes, we will get to that later, but first tell me what other transgressions you have committed.”

“I told a lie, Father. But I did it with the best of intentions. I was trying…”

“Did you bear false witness against a neighbor?”

“No, I…”

“Did you tell an untruth to take advantage of another, as though to profit from that person?”

“No.”

“Well, then, I would say that you did not sin, but please tell me what the lie was.”

“My husband asked me if I had ever done…anal sex, Father. I have, but I didn’t want him to know because it would have upset him, and then he would have demanded to know who I did it with and, well, he can get violent and...”

“I understand. That type of lie is not so bad and may, in your case, have been necessary. In fact, there are many similar examples in the Bible such as…”

“But when we did it, Father, I cried out in pain, although I was not in pain. In fact, I…I was consumed with lust. Wouldn’t belying the true sensations I felt be considered lying?”

“No, I don’t believe so.”

“But…but I lusted! Isn’t lust one of the seven deadly sins?”

Father Ramone chuckled. “That is a man-made concept. There is no mention of seven deadly sins in the Bible. If the holy Father hadn’t wanted us to enjoy…”

“But, what about the anal sex itself? That’s sodomy, isn’t it? Isn’t sodomy a sin?”

“The Bible is unclear as to what sodomy is, so I can’t say that it is. In any event, the holy Father made certain practices pleasurable so…”

“Oooh. Oooh. Mmmm.”

“My dear, is something wrong?”

“What about masturbation, Father. I…oooooooh…I’m thinking about my husband’s cock up my…ooooooooooooh…and…my fingers are…”

“You’re thinking of the story of Onan, aren’t you? That is always misinterpreted. Masturbation is not a sin.”

“Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!”

A silent minute passed, the only sounds in the church being those of Kelly Anne McCaughey’s moans and heavy breathing. “Father,” she said when her breath returned. “Do you have an act of contrition for me to atone for my adultery?”

“Yes, dear. The usual while you recite the Lord’s prayer four times in your mind.”

Kelly Anne McCaughey giggled with glee, slipped out of her side of the both, slid into Father Ramone’s side of the booth, dropped to her knees, lifted his robes and took his hard prick into her mouth.

Father Ramone closed his eyes and recited the Lord’s prayer to himself. When he had finished his fourth prayer, he put his hands on Kelly Anne McCaughey’s head and exerted a slight, but constant, pressure.

Kelly Anne McCaughey took him into her mouth as deep as he could until she felt his explosion of cum, using all of her will to avoid gagging as she swallowed the massive amount of viscous fluid that he pumped into her throat. At first she didn’t understand what Father Ramone had meant when he told her that practicing the sinful acts that she had committed while performing her penance would relieve her of her burdens, but, as his cock grew limp in her mouth and she licked it clean, she felt a lightness come over her. In a raspy voice she said, “Thank you Father, for giving me the opportunity to be an adulteress as part of my penance. Father Brown always made me feel so guilty.”

Father Ramone stroked her hair and whispered, “The Lord only cares that you seek forgiveness for your sins. I would tell you to go forth and sin no more, but we are only human. So, will I see you next Monday at the same time?”

Kelly Anne McCaughey wiped some saliva from her chin. “Yes, Father, but…if I sin again, could we perhaps, let me perform my penance in…um…a different…position?”

“Whatever helps you with your contrition, my dear. Let me escort you to the door.”


Father Ramone latched the door after Kelly Anne McCaughey left and then turned to survey the empty church. He headed toward the priest’s rectory, the click of his footsteps echoing off the walls. He passed through a narrow doorway and whispered, “Father Brown?”

Father Brown, an elderly, extremely overweight man snoring in the midst a drunken slumber, awoke with a start. “Ah, it’s you,” he said. “Done for the evening?”

“Yes, Father. I’m glad that I can help.”

“There’s an envelope for you on the table next to me. Please take it.”

“Oh, I couldn’t, Father. I’m just happy…”

“Please,” Father Brown begged. “You have no idea how much better I feel now that the strain of listening to these deviants…um, my parishioners, explain their sins.”

“Thank you, Father,” Father Ramone said as he picked up the envelope. “I’ll be here next at the same time.”

“Thank you,” Father Brown said. “Please lock up when you leave.” Father Brown closed his eyes and let his head loll backward to settle in the soft leather of his overstuffed chair.

For some people, the slow demise of the Church was saddening. For others, like Father Ramone, it represented opportunity. He counted the two hundred dollars Father Brown had given him as headed toward the front of the church, the click of his footsteps again echoing off the walls. Once outside, he laughed, thinking about how he sent five hundred dollars to the Church of the Gory Cross for a certificate confirming his status as a priest in the Church. What Church it didn’t say, but that didn’t seem to matter. “The best five hundred dollars I’ve ever spent,” he mumbled. “Tomorrow, Saint Bart’s and Rosa Espinosa. Aaah-Rosa. She has a lot of sins to be contrite for. I may have to have her perform more than one type of penance. Then it’s on to Saint Joseph’s and then…”

He opened the door to his car and listened to the CD he had slid in earlier. "I’m on the highway to Hell, Highway to Hell…"

He shrugged and put the car into gear. “Nah,” he said. “I’ll go to confession before that happens.”