Do Not Be Afraid

“Bow down and worship Him,” they sang
and I tried
really and truly I tried
but inwardly
I was on the edge 
         of a heartbreak
             a depression
             a frustration
             a bitterness
so acidically consuming
that all I could think was
         why
“My God
         My God why
                   Have you forsaken me?”
forsaken us?

And so there
         Right there
On “holy ground”
         I broke down
         I shattered
         I exploded
         I was torn open
                   torn through
                   stopped
                   heart stopped 
                   soul shattered
                   exploded 
                   all over the platform
         blood pooling
everywhere on holy ground
        point blank
    dead
on the platform
accidently 
slaughtered
dead
point blank
dead
involuntary manslaughter
involuntary
         fear of the Big Black Man
voluntary
murder

“It is well with my soul?”

but the heart still bleeds
and weeps
and mourns
still staggers under the blow
my God what a blow

And yet the prophet still stands and shouts
“the enemy has done some things
         But the Lord
                   is still God
                             I AM
                               still God!”

And yes in my heart I believe it
but still I am sitting here watching my mother
         as she watches her son with fear
                   hiding in the shadows of her eyes
I am trying to say to her “Do not be afraid,
                   Momma you need not
                             fear for your son
                                       as he comes in to his Black Manhood
that tragedy is no longer true
it is past”

But I cannot say it
each time I falter and hear
         a whistling
         in the air
         shadows hanging from a tree
I shake my head to clear the image
and know that now Oscar Grant
Is dead
Accidentally?!

I wish I could say to you “Momma do not be afraid”
but I am trembling