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 Content Rating Notice: Recommended for Readers 18 Years and Older Only |
| >> Static Item >> Documentary >> Travel >> ID #1694093 |   |
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  Arriving in the UK. Heathrow Airport is the biggest airport in the world. It’s so big that anyone flying in to Heathrow has to collect their luggage from Paris. Even though it’s the biggest airport in the world, it only has one runway. The authorities want to build a second runway but the East European immigrant transit-camps are in the way. An unemployed homeless Bulgarian with no passport and a criminal record (who can't be deported because of the Human Rights Act) can earn more money selling crack cocaine to Polish school children in London than he can anywhere else in the world, except for Wales. If Heathrow had a second runway it would be bigger than the biggest airport in the world, and you would have to collect your luggage from Singapore. Heathrow airport already loses more luggage than every other airport in the world put together. You can only lose more luggage if you leave it unattended in Wales. Our Capital City. London is entirely populated with Cockney hooded Chavs wearing white hooded tracksuits and bling (recently looted from their local High Street), and they all support Manchester United. But not for long, very soon they will all have stabbed one another to death. The major currency in London is the Polish zloty, and the biggest industry is pick-pocketing. Pick-pockets are so successful at picking the pockets of Polish immigrants that the Polish immigrants now charge double to fix your plumbing. Everyone in London is named Chas, or Dave, even the women. The River Thames is full of jellied eels which can be purchased at MacDonald’s, 30p extra and you can go large, or as Cockney hooded Chavs say, “Give it large!” Practice this saying for ordering jellied eels at MacDonald’s. People who eat at MacDonald’s in London are called Beef Eaters. There are no houses in London. Everyone sleeps on the streets, which are paved with blood and gold, and jellied eel sick. Places of Interest. Stratford-Upon-Avon is the birthplace of William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare was a very famous fridge magnet manufacturer, and to this day, his work is on sale in all good Stratford-Upon-Avon stores, and some shit ones. In his spare time he used to build really old, rubbish houses. These can also be found all over town. There was this one time when he wrote something too. “To be or not to be, that is the question.” What? Fridge magnet manufacturer or rubbish old house builder? There are more fridge magnets in Stratford-Upon-Avon than in the rest of the world put together, including Wales. If William Shakespeare hadn’t been born in Stratford-Upon-Avon, it would just be a town with old rubbish houses by a river. If you want your town to be famous, get a celebrity to be born there. The Welsh tried this with Charlotte Church, so be careful what you wish for. If you visit Wales you can buy Slutty Fat Tart fridge magnets. Stonehenge is a prehistoric monument that doesn’t do anything. It is said that construction of Stonehenge began in 2500BC. Lots of people like to come and look at Stonehenge but it still doesn't do anything. The stone used for the construction of Stonehenge comes from the Preseli Hills, in modern day Pembrokeshire, Wales. The Welsh want Stonehenge back because it’s in better condition than their current housing. If you are a tourist and find that Stonehenge is too busy with other tourists waiting for it to do something, just go to Swansea. You won’t notice the difference. Littlehampton is a sleepy town in West Sussex. There are more small penises is Littlehampton than the rest of the world put together, except Wales, and maybe Brighton during the holiday season. Littlehampton has a small penis festival in August each year. All the men gather in the town square and measure up. The winner is crowned, ‘Insignificant Meaningless Man with a Small Penis Who Should Move to Brighton of the Year.’ Past winners include, Prince Charles, Tony Blair, Simon Cowell, and Margret Thatcher. Blackpool is the glittering jewel of typical British holiday destinations. Blackpool is also the home of the Eiffal Tower, an engineering work of art which the French stole from the British, but theirs is only half as high as ours. Blackpool is stuck out on the west coast. It used to be in the middle by Manchester, but we stuck it out there because it stunk of fish (for completely different reasons to Grimsby). In Blackpool you can get Blackpool Rock, Kiss-Me-Quick hats, and gonorrhea. All three are traditional Blackpool mementos, so make sure you don’t leave town without them. Blackpool is entirely populated by gypsies. There are more gypsies in Blackpool than the rest of the world put together, except Wales. Gypsies, and gonorrhea, originated in Wales. Buckingham Palace is in Buckinghamshire, and home to the Duke of Buckingham and his wife, Queen Elizabeth II. Because of the risk of terrorist attack from the Welsh, Buckingham Palace is only visible from the top of the Eiffel Tower in Blackpool. Bath is a Roman town in Somerset, and entirely populated by Italians. You can take a tourist chariot ride around town and see the Colosseum, Roman Forum, and Jane Austin. In her novel, Northanger Abbey, Jane Austin wrote, 'They arrived in Bath. Catherine was all eager delight; - her eyes were here, there, everywhere, as they approached its fine and striking environs, and afterwards drove through those streets which conducted them to the hotel. She was come to be happy, and she felt happy already'. The people of Bath don’t like Jane Austin because she isn’t Italian. Jane Austin is currently appearing in a one woman stand-up comedy show at the Bath Theatre Royal. I understand tickets are easy to come by. Brighton is full of gay and lesbian people. There are more gay and lesbian people in Brighton than in the rest of the world put together, except for Wales. Brighton is on the south coast, but if you want my advice, don’t go down there. I went down in Brighton once, got a fucking mouth ulcer! Men that attempt to buy jellied eels in MacDonald’s in Brighton but can’t because they’re only sold in MacDonald’s in London, are called Beef Eaters. Scotland is full of illiterate alcoholics who couldn’t find their way to Newcastle, or home. Except for Andy Murray, who isn’t Scottish, he’s British. The men of Scotland are all queer gay blokes who wear dresses, so are some of the women. They toss a Caber. Some people think a Caber is a large pole, it isn’t; all the poles are in London. Caber is a Scottish word for a best friend. That said, we all love Scotland because they gave us MacDonald's. Wales isn’t a country, it’s a Principality. The Welsh hate the English because they’re not English, and they blame the English for this. They also blame the English for the weather, earthquakes, aids, and Charlotte Church. The English blame the Welsh for Wales. The Welsh have their own language that sounds like a drunk, slurring, illiterate alcoholic Scotsman. The Welsh have started to wear dresses like the Scots. Apparently, all the sheep got used to the sound of zips. Don't forget your fridge magnet. Essex is a county east of London. There are no men in Essex, just women, and they’re just a joke. What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn’t follow you around for weeks after you’ve dumped your load in it. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick? Because red means stop. How do you know if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator? By the lipstick on your cucumber. Why don’t Essex girls use vibrators? Because they chip their teeth. How do you know when an Essex girl is having her period? She’s only wearing one sock. I think you get the point. The Home Counties are full of high class hookers wearing pearl necklaces they received from the husbands of other high class hookers. Strangely, none of them wear jewelry. Norfolk is famous for being very flat. During the great floods of 2006, the small, insignificant towns of Norwich and Ipswich were completely submerged. It took the emergency services 3 months to notice. If David Cameron and the Conservative party get into government, they have plans to move Wales to Norfolk. This will mean no one will know where Wales is, and all the houses in Wales can be converted to holiday homes for the English, which is what God intended. Australiashire is an English county somewhere south of Hampshire. The English started using it as prison colony in 1945, so it’s now full of war crimes criminals and Cockney Chav pick-pockets. The president of Australiashire is Gordon Brown, and the people of Australiashire approve of this arrangement wholeheartedly. The Queen visits Australiashire occasionally so the people can worship at her feet and dream of the homeland. Cumbria is an English county in the far north west. People who live in Cumbria are called Cumbrians. Cumbrians hate Cumbria because it sounds like Cymru, which is Welsh for ‘No Entry’. You see signs saying, Cymru, as you enter Wales, so don’t. The capital of Cumbria is Carlisle. Carlisle sounds like Carlisle. No one ever goes to Cumbria. It’s just the last place you drive through on the way to Scotland. Cities of Britain. Liverpool is full of annoying Scouse comedians with annoying Scouse accents and annoying Scouse hair styles. If you live in Liverpool, it is your ambition not to. Most Scousers pray to be sent to a prison outside the area. Most Scousers are sent to prison. More Scousers are sent to prison per capita, than anywhere else in the world put together, except for Wales. If you tell a Scouser this, he says, “That's fucken great like that, where’s fucken per capita like, you know what I fucken mean like?” Newcastle is home from home for illiterate Scots who call themselves Geordies. No one ever sees illiterate Scottish Geordies because they all work down coal mines. More illiterate Scottish Geordies work down coal mines per capita than anywhere else in the world put together, except Wales. Margret Thatcher closed all the coal mines in Newcastle in 1979, but no one has told the illiterate Scottish Geordies. Geordies eat peas pudding and stottie cake, and drink dark fizzy beer called Broown Ale. No one ever wears a coat in Newcastle. Sunderland is home to a sub-life species called, Mack’ems. They would rather be an illiterate Scotsman than a Geordie. They'd rather be a Geordie than Welsh. Cardiff is in Wales. Cardiff isn’t far from Bristol. The Bristol Channel separates England from Wales. There is a toll bridge across the Bristol Channel that charges you to get into Wales, but it’s free to get into England. The Welsh think this is funny. It’s a fucking fine you idiots! Nottingham has an economy based on a fictional character that only the people of Nottingham believe in. They have cut down all the trees in Sherwood Forest to make brochures inviting tourists to come to Sherwood Forest to hear all about this pretend hero. They even dressed their hero in Lincoln green so they could blame the people of Lincoln when we all discovered that Manchester is where Liam Gallagher lives. No one else lives in Manchester, just Liam Gallagher. Even though Liam Gallagher is the only person in Manchester, he still doesn’t support Manchester United. If Liam Gallagher moves to London, he’ll support Manchester United. Sheffield is made entirely of steel, except the people, who are made from steel workers. If Sheffield did not exist, you’d be eating your dinner with your fingers. If Liverpool didn’t exist, you’d be able to keep your dinner down. When the steel industry died (because everyone had a knife and fork), Sheffield closed down. More people live in Manchester than Sheffield, don’t you, Liam. Sheffield was rubbish anyway. It didn’t even have a motorway service station on the M1. Scunthorpe is just north of Sheffield, and has the unfortunate notoriety of being the only town in England spelt with a cunt. In fact, there are more cunts in Scunthorpe than there are anywhere else in the world put together (I’m not even going to say it). Be sure never to abbreviate Scunthorpe to cunt when asking directions to Scunthorpe. I once did this unintentionally when my attention was distracted by a pretty girl. I asked her if she knew how I could get into cunt? She wasn’t happy. Grimsby is right over on the east coast. It used to be in the middle, by Manchester, but we put it out there because it stunk of fish. Unfortunately we moved the wrong city, and that’s why Manchester still smells of fish. Well, the lass I met from Manchester did! Magaluf is on the British holiday island of Majorca. Magaluf has the third highest incidence of gonorrhea in the whole world put together, after Blackpool and Wales. Magaluf personifies the harmonious integration of British cultural society. It’s the only place in the world where British men representing their home town can kill other British men representing their home town all at once, together. Some British women get accidentally killed in this traditional melee of blood and violence, but this does not stop drunken British men from fucking them. Glasgow is the capital of Scotland. Or is it Edinburgh? No one actually knows. Just north of Glasgow is Loch Lomond, the home of the Loch Ness Monster. Loch Lomond is beautiful. If you were going to situate a beautiful visual landscape next to a major city, it wouldn’t be Glasgow. Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland. Or is it Glasgow? No one actually knows. Edinburgh is the home of Glasgow Celtic and Glasgow Rangers soccer teams. They take it in turns to win the Scottish Football League, and play against school children and ladies. Birmingham is full of Brummies. Brummie is a local term describing anyone who comes from south, or southeast Asia. Birmingham was the birthplace of the industrial revolution. Birmingham people aren’t as funny as Scousers, or as illiterate as Geordies, and most of them moved to Wales when the Asians moved in. Brummies hate the English and the Welsh, and everyone, because they have an accent that the rest of the world finds extremely boring. They have a view of the world based on philosophical sarcasm. They say things like, “A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is a Cockney pick-pocket.” Birmingham is the center of the universe. Birmingham has the tallest skyscraper in the world, The Rotunda, the greatest sporting team on the planet, Aston Villa, and more miles of canal than Venice. I was born in Birmingham. Oxford is in Cambridgeshire, and the starting point of the Oxford and Cambridge University boat race. Because the boat race is so boring and lasts too long, this year they are allowing sails to be used instead of a Cox. Personally, I think this is a mistake. Why take the Cox out, and leave the pricks in? There are 38 colleges of the University of Oxford, which is a popular breast size. Lots of famous people have attended the University in Oxford, and thought about breasts, including 25 British Prime Ministers. Herbert Asquith was a British Prime Minister who attended university in Oxford, and, in my opinion, has the silliest name of all British Prime Ministers. No one from Wales has ever been to the University of Oxford. Oxford University College names include; Jesus, Christ, Lady, Oriel, and All Saints. Students thinking about breasts have been known to shout out, “Jesus Christ, lady. Oral ass-hole!” There are more bicycles in Oxford than the rest of the world put together, except for Beijing, where there are 8 million or more. Cambridge is in Oxfordshire, and the finishing point of the Oxford and Cambridge boat race. Because the boat race is so boring and lasts too long, next year they are allowing the Royal Navy to deploy mines. You can consider this a scoop, as this information has not been made public. If the Geordies and the Welsh found out there were mines in Oxfordshire, they’d need to lay an extra bus on. There are 31 colleges of the University of Cambridge, of which three only admit women. This is because all women in Cambridge have very small breasts, and usually marry men from Littlehampton. True story… Two Oxford scholars were hanged for murder in 1209, and in protest the University of Oxford went on strike. Oxford scholars migrated to Cambridge and set up the University of Cambridge. This account was chronicled by Rodger of Wendover some time before 1236. Rodger of Wendover was Welsh, and the literal translation means; bend over and I’ll rodger you! History of the UK. On 1 May 1707, the Kingdom of Great Britain was created by the political union of the Kingdom of England (which included Wales) and the Kingdom of Scotland. 1707 is a year, and not to be mistaken with 17.07 Greenwich meantime, which is a time. In 1707 (the year), the Kingdom of Great Britain was the largest Kingdom in the world, in the whole world put together, and included Wales. For the next 100 years all literature, arts, and sciences, came from Great Britain. So did gonorrhea, thanks to the Welsh. Before 1707, and since, we have conquered lots of smaller and bigger countries who now have to do what we say. These countries include Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, America, and Russia. Some countries thought they could go it alone and begged to be released from the Commonwealth, but Wales and Scotland got a good slapping and they’re okay now. The United Kingdom is a constitutional monarchy, which means we have a King and Queen. The Windsor family won this privilege in the National Lottery. Since then, they have fucked most of their citizens, and their family, beheaded their wives, and murdered their in-laws (allegedly). Personally, I think the royal family is great, and I particularly like Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, and Posh Spice. The United Kingdom has never been conquered by a foreign power. What about Aulus Plautius? I hear you ask. Yes, the Romans did spend some time here but only at our request. We hired some Europeans to do some building work and suddenly there’s an invasion. The United Kingdom founded the free market economy in 43 AD, and we still employ Europeans to this day. In 43 AD we asked some cowboy Roman’s to build some roads, and later, we asked a bricklayer to build a wall between England and Wales, and the fool, Hadrian, put it in the wrong place. Today, Polish plumbers are fucking us in the same way. Visit soon, enter at your own risk!
© Copyright 2010 Ĥans Ŝumman (UN: doublemeasure at Writing.Com).
All rights reserved.
Ĥans Ŝumman has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work. |
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