Deadliest Combatant episode one.

Deadliest Combatant episode one – Sonic Vs Space Marine Sergeant.

Copyright disclaimer: Sonic the hedgehog and all associated copyrights are property of Sega enterprises Ltd. Warhammer 40,000 is property of Games Workshop. I don't own Sonic or Warhammer 40,000.

Notice: The following show contains scenes of extreme violence and gore and should therefore not be viewed by anyone, not even Ted Nugent.

The Deadliest Combatant intro starts to play with the logo appearing on the screen.

Announcer: For ages bored men with too much free time have wondered who would win in a fight. Now with cutting edge technology like the “What the Fuck?” machine our experts reveal who would would win in a battle that never took place in real life.

WHO.

IS.

IN.

PRINCIPLE.

MORE.

DANGEROUS?

Announcer: Today's Combatants could not be more different. One is a freedom fighter from Mobius, the blue blur, the fastest thing alive, known as Sonic the hedgehog!

The screen displays Sonic preforming various spinning moves then a model of him appears with a stat box next to it.

Announcer: The other is a religious zealot who fights for a dying Empire. One of the adeptus astartes or Space Marines. These genetically enhanced highly trained super soldiers are the Emperors fury! They stop at nothing to achieve their goals and crush their enemies.

The screen shows scenes of space marines fighting with orks and chaos forces then a stat box and a model of the marine appear.

Announcer: Our experts include computer programmer Jon Wagner who programmed the “What the fuck?” machine.

Jon appears on screen.

Jon: This machine is like a holodeck on Star Trek, you can use it to test how various individual weapons perform then feed the information into a final simulation to see who would win out of one thousand battles. If you imagine the infinite improbability drive running MS Windows then your halfway there. Basically it's like Top Trumps for the terminally anal.

Announcer: All so on hand is martial arts and weapons expert Keith Limousine.

Keith appears on screen.

Keith: Ok so it's basically my job to asses first what weapons the Combatants would use and then how they would use them in order to provide the best data possible for the final simulation. Bottom line, if I don't approve it then it doesn't get in.

Announcer: Real life ER doc Ramondo Doric will be on hand to evaluate the real life impact of the damage the Combatants do.

Ramondo appears on screen.

Ramondo: My job is to look at the damage the weapons and warriors cause then to tell everyone how serious the damage would be and if the target would be killed. Well I'll be honest it does make a nice change from pulling bullets out of crack dealers.

The scene switches to the experts gathered around the control console inside the “What the fuck?” machine. He presses some buttons and brings up a display of both the Combatants in this case Sonic and the Space Marine.

Jon: So guys, what are your initial predictions for which way this fight is going to go?

Keith: Personally I think it's going to come down to fire-power and protection. This marine isn't anywhere near as mobile as Sonic but he's got protective armour while the hedgehog could be taken out with one single good hit. I'm gonna go with the marine.

Jon: I respectfully disagree, I just can't see how he's going to be able to hit Sonic with any regularity or maybe even at all. He's just that fast. I think the big question is if his spin attacks can pierce the marines armour or not. That's mostly what this fight is going to hang on. I'm going with Sonic. What about you Ramondo?

Ramondo: I'm inclined to go with the marine, look at the difference in size and armour protection. It's going to be like a mack truck hitting hitting a hedgehog. Sonic has got no chance.

Jon: Well we'll see, it looks like we're giving the edge to the Marine early on but I'm convinced Sonic has a chance so long as he is effective against the marines armour.

Keith: That's a big “if”. If he isn't then he'll just bounce off like a fly hitting a wind shield.

Jon: Well, I have to admit your right, if he can't get through the marines armour somewhere then this fight is a foregone conclusion. The hedgehog is going to be road kill unless he finds a way through. Ok anyway lets look at some of the weapons that the two fighters will be using.

Graphics appear on screen to indicate what the announcer is talking about.

Announcer: Sonic attacks with the power sneakers, the spin dash, the spin attack, the homing attack and the energy shield. While the space marine weighs in with the MK7 power armour, the “Hell's Teeth” chain sword, bolt pistol, Frag grenade and bionics. First the team analyse Sonic's famous footwear.

The team go over to a table with a replica of Sonic's power sneakers on it.

Keith: Ok lets get started. Now the first test is all about these. The question is: If Sonic kicks you going fast enough what kind of damage can he do? I think I know how to test this.

Jon: Right. So what do you need?

Keith: I'll need a ballista and a ballistics gel dummy of a space marine for a target.

Jon: So let me get this straight, you're going to fire the shoes at the marine so simulate the kind of forces involved if Sonic kicked you in the head. While travelling at several hundread miles per hour.

Keith: Exactly. Lets do it.

Jon goes over to the controls for the “What the fuck?” machine to create the test objects.

Jon: There. Ok you've got your catapult and the target. You know this kinda reminds me of that line in Austin Powers. “Who throws a shoe?”

Keith is loading the shoe into the ballista catapult.

Keith: You know it may be just a shoe but it's going to be travelling at very high speeds. I wouldn't wanna be in the way of this. Ok it's set lets go. You ready Jon?

Jon: High speed armed and ready. Lets go. Fire it.

Keith fires the ballista which hurls the shoe into the gel dummy at several hundred miles per hour then it flies off in another direction with considerable momentum.

The team gather around the control console to take a look at the show motion replay.

Jon: Ok lets take a look.

The shoe comes in hitting the marine dummy upside his head causing the head to move backwards somewhat then it bounces off and flies away.

Jon: Well that's pretty much like I expected, it didn't lodge in the dummy it just hit and flew off. Lets go take a look at the dummy close up.

They go over to the dummy where Ramondo examines it briefly.

Ramondo: There is some very minor blunt trauma but nothing that would be life threatening or incapacitating. After this hit he's maybe distracted or disoriented but he's going to keep on coming. This isn't a kill. Not even close.

Keith: Really? Are you sure about that? Even the way the head moved back.

Ramondo: Well if he was a regular guy then yes that might be serious but for a super solider like this guy it's nothing. He's barely going to break his stride. They're just bigger and tougher than regular people. Remember this is all so without the power armour or bionics being taken into account so there's no question that this sort of attack would be a waste of time for the hedgehog.

Keith: So really all Sonic just did was make the marine mad.

Ramondo: Something like that. It's not an effective weapon.

Jon: I'm going to go a bit further and say that a custard pie would have been more effective than this.

Keith: Why?

Jon: Well that might have blinded the marine at least for a few seconds. This attack didn't do shit.

Keith: Yet you where giving the edge to Sonic.

Jon: Not for this round, but I still think he's got other tricks up his sleeve.

Keith: Ok lets do the next test.

The scene cuts away. Then to Jon speaking.

Jon: Well we've done another test to test the amount of force and it confirms what Ramondo already said. This is minor distraction stuff. Sonic isn't going to kick a space marine to death any time soon. Ok on with the next test.

Keith: So this is for the Bionics right?

Jon: Yeah.

Keith: Ok give me a gel torso of Sonic and a bionic arm on a torso that can rotate.

Jon: Right. Here we go. Done.

Jon presses some buttons getting rid of the solid dummy and the ballista then they are replaced with the Sonic gel torso and a bionic arm on another torso in front of it.

Keith: Ok program it to strike the gel torso. Lets see what happens.

Jon: Ok. It's ready, high speed up and running here we go.

Jon presses a button causing the bionic arm to strike the Sonic gel torso, it pretty much destroys it breaking through the rib cage, severing the spine and causing the head to fall off.

Jon: Holy s*8t!

Keith: His head actually fell off, I wasn't expecting that.

Jon: That's never a good sign really is it doc?

Ramondo: No, that's what we doctors call a dead on arrival. The hedgehog is toast.

Jon: Well we are going to measure the forces with a solid torso but that's an academic point. Clearly the marine is the winner in this round.

Keith: I have to agree, what it comes to killing taking their head clean off is a sure fire way to succeed. You really can't argue with that.

Announcer: So the marine gets the edge in close range weapons with Bionics.

Jon: Ok next test, what have we got?

Keith: Well we've got the Homing attack against the Chain sword.

Jon: Now this was giving me some trouble but we agreed that the best way to simulate Sonic's spinning attacks is with a circular saw.

Keith: It's the closest thing to what he does when he's performing these moves. I want it on some kind of ram though, it needs to be coming in at a high speed like he would in a fight.

Jon: Ok, one circular saw on a ram and a marine gel torso inside their upper body armour coming right up.

Jon creates the test rig which has a saw on rails like a catapult as well as the marine gel torso inside the upper body of the power armour.

Jon: Right, I've set the saw at about 40% of Sonic's maximum velocity since he's changing direction to make this attack so he can't be going flat out. Let's see what happens.

Jon presses the button which fires the spinning saw at the back of the amour and gel torso. Sparks fly but it fails to fully penetrate the armour. They all go over to inspect the damage.

Ramondo: Well you can see here that it hasn't managed to get through the armour at all. It's done some damage to it but I think you need and engineer not a doctor.

Keith: Yeah this isn't really a serious hit although it did do some damage to the  armour if not the actual guy.

Jon: Just bear in mind that this is only at a fraction of the speed Sonic is actually capable of. Already we can see some damage to the armour. I'm betting that at higher speeds he can punch right through it.

Keith: I don't know, this doesn't look good but I guess we'll find out later what his other attacks can do.

Jon: Ok lets just go look at the high speed.

The high speed camera shows the saw hitting the armour, damaging it before recoiling without actually punching through it.

Jon: Well I have to admit the homing attack was a bit of a disappointment. But it does show that even changing direction at close range Sonic can do some damage to the marine's armour. But in this particular weapon match up it's just not a good result. Well on to the next test.

Jon goes to the main control console and sets up a bionic arm wielding a “Hell's teeth” chain sword. This is a large sword about five foot long which has teeth like a chain saw blade. In front of it he sets up a gel torso of Sonic.

Keith: Well I don't think we're going to need any sensors for this test.

Jon: Nope, ok here we go.

Jon presses the button commencing the test and the arm slashes at the gel torso cutting it more or less in half across the body from the shoulder to the hip.

Ramondo: More road kill.

Jon: Cleanup in isle two. Cleanup in isle two.

Keith: Well looking at this you'd better hope your favoured hedgehog can keep out of the way of this thing.

Jon: Honestly I don't think that's going to be a problem. It's a sword, it's short range, it's deadly but it's the wrong kind of weapon to fight a fast moving opponent with.

Keith: Well this one isn't that easy, on the one hand the homing attack didn't do much damage but the chance of a hit is much higher. Then you've got this which is deadly if you can land a hit. In this fight, it's a very big if. Still we've gotta give the edge to the chain sword.

Announcer: So one again the marine gets the edge with the chain sword.

Keith: So what have we got next?

Jon: The next match up is the Spin attack Vs the Frag grenade.

Keith: So we get to blow something up. Cool.

Jon: Yes we do, but not quite yet. First we carry out the test for the spin attack. Now I'm assuming since he accelerates so fast that he'll be moving at about 70% of the top speed. This is going to be a much bigger hit.

Ramondo: Against this target it's going to need to be. I'm not impressed by what we've seen so far.

Jon sets up the marine gel torso with the marine armour covering it. A spinning saw is once again set up on a rail so it can be fired at high velocity into the test target.

Jon: Right lets find out if we have a can opener here or not. High speed on and fire.

Jon starts the test and the saw flies into the target striking it below the shoulders in the side of the torso. It cuts through the armour going fairly deep into the gel torso. Then it is withdrawn automatically by the machine.

Jon: Well that looked at lot more convincing. Lets go take a closer look.

They gather around the target, with Ramondo examining the damage.

Keith: Well?

Ramondo: We've got real damage here, it looks like it's gone through the armour and penetrated at least an inch or two. Might not be fatal but he'll feel it. Can we remove the armour so I can get a better look at the torso?

Jon: Sure just a second.

Jon goes over to the controls and removes the armour revealing the extent of the damage to the gel torso. It's clearly been cut although the damage is limited to an inch or two inside it. Ramondo is examining it.

Ramondo: Again like I said before a normal human would be killed from this, this guy would bleed but it'd take a while for him to become dead or unconscious. This isn't a death blow in of itself. However this sort of wound is going to really bleed and if you don't treat it then death will follow sooner or later.

Keith: Yeah I agree, this isn't an outright kill but it will really ruin his day. For the first time I'm starting to think this fight might not be a forgone conclusion.

Jon comes back.

Jon: So we're looking at bleeding here right? But not instant death.

Ramondo: That's correct. This is a fatal wound eventually but not quickly. He's got minutes.

Jon: Well on to the next test.

Jon sets up a solid torso then fires the saw at it again at the same velocity. It bounces off and they record the forces generated.

Keith: Well these are good numbers, but I don't think against a guy in power armour, with bionics this is a knock-down.

Jon: I agree, it's gonna hurt but it's not going to knock him down or disable him. It's kinda just as well for Sonic he's not gonna hang around because he's gonna have one pissed of space marine to contend with after this attack.

Keith: Well it's looking better for him now, I've seen something I haven't seen before from him which is real damage. Maybe he's in with a chance after all. Anyway lets go test the frag grenade.

Jon: Right, clearing the test area, there we go. Now I just have to load up the first grenade test.

Jon sets up the frag grenade test which consists of a series of solid torsos arranged around a grenade suspended from a rope a few feet in the air. Keith and Ramondo join him by the main controls then he puts up an energy field to stop any shrapnel from hitting them.

Jon: Ok, safety barrier engaged, high speed cameras armed. Lets go.

Jon presses a button and the grenade explodes.

Jon: F*8k!

Keith: Lets watch the high speed first.

Jon: Ok here it is. Looks like this grenade produced a good amount of shrapnel. I would expect to find some of that in-bedded in the torsos over there. Lets go take a closer look.

Jon lowers the safety barrier then they walk over to the torsos.

Jon: Well, what do you think?

Keith: We've got hits. A few anyway. My main concern is that this isn't going to be enough to hit Sonic unless he's right on top of it when it blows. The pattern thins out pretty fast from the centre. Just look here.

Keith points to one of the torsos that's about ten foot from the blast centre.

Ramondo: Well yeah, if he's close, say closer than ten foot the he's in real trouble, but like you said further away I can see it really hitting him.

Jon: I think you make a good point, it's going to be REALLY hard to lob this thing just at the right time to nail him and even if he does what's to stop Sonic from just veering away?

Keith: Exactly, he's not going to be there. He's going to be somewhere else. If this where a trap I'd believe in it, he might run over it. But as a bomb you throw, it's just not gonna work.

Jon: We're definitely giving the edge to the spin attack. The frag grenade is really the wrong kind of weapon for this job. If it does hit then it could kill but I just don't see how it's going to hit and neither do Keith and Ramondo. By contrast the spin attack will hit and do real damage. I have to go with that, consistency is what this show is all about. I have a feeling that the grenade will get a few lucky kills but the spin attack will contribute to a lot of kills.

Announcer: So the Sonic gets the edge in medium range weapons with the spin attack.

Keith: You know what he really needs right? A gun.

Jon: Well funny you should say that, because we're going to be testing that in the next match up. Let me just get rid of this test.

Jon goes over to the controls where he removes the last test and sets up a set of torsos some solid some gel for the bolt pistol firing test. The gun appears already loaded on a table. The crew gather around it.

Keith: So what have we got here?

Jon: This is basically the space marine version of the berretta pistol. Although it is used by other military arms of the Imperium of man. It's s semi automatic self loading .75 calibre pistol with a 12 round magazine.

Keith: .75? That's crazy, the bullets the army uses in heavy machine guns are only .50!

Jon: That's the specified round it takes. Trust me this is well researched. You might want to remember that this is designed to stop things other than ordinary men. In real life a bullet for war only has to consistently kill Bob from down the road. But not everything these guys fight is human, they fight things that we would consider monsters.

Keith: So I'm firing this then? Isn't that a little unfair on the marine.

Jon: No I don't think so, it's against a static target, we're really testing speed, force and damage not accuracy here. I mean it's a ranged modern gunpowder weapon, bionics shouldn't make a big difference. I'll set up the cameras, don't fire until I say so.

Keith: Well ok. Lets see what it can do.

Keith picks up the bolt pistol then walks over to the first target where he waits. Ramondo retreats to a safe distance and covers his ears. Jon works the control console to set up the cameras.

Jon: Ok, high speed armed, fire.

Keith fires a couple of rounds into the solid torso then a couple more into another solid one. He moves onto the gel torsos which are more or less completely demolished with a couple of rounds each.

Keith: Woo! This thing is awesome. I gotta get one of these for the next time a bear raids my trash.

Jon: Well I've got the numbers, lets take a look at the gel torsos.

Ramondo: What's left of them. I feel redundant all of a sudden.

They gather around one of the gel targets then the other. Keith puts the gun down on the table.

Jon: Well that's not just a kill it's over kill. But we haven't seen what the spin dash can do yet. I'll go set it up.

Keith: I think this just got interesting.

Jon heads back to the controls and sets up the next test. A marine gel torso is placed with space marine armour over it and as before a rail with a spinning saw is placed next to it. In this case the saw is facing the front of it.

Jon: Ok, I've set it up, in combat terms this is about as fast as he can be going so it should do some serious damage.

Everyone retreats to a safe distance then Jon fires up the test. The saw slams into the target extremely fast cutting several inches into it through the armour. The machine then withdraws it.

Keith: F*8k!

Jon: That is more than I had hoped for. Lets take a look at the high speed.

They gather around the control console to watch the action replay.

Jon: To me that has kill written all over it.

Ramondo: Remove the armour, I'll go take a look.

Jon removes the armour then follows Ramondo and Keith over to the gel torso.

Ramondo: This is a kill, look at the depth of this wound. No doubt he's history if he gets hit like this. First he's unconscious then very quickly dead.

Jon: This is exactly why I predicted Sonic to win.

Keith: I don't know, I'm still not sure who has the edge. Both weapons a kill.

Jon: Yeah but the marine is a relatively slow moving target. Sonic is fast all the time. The question this fight hanged on was: Can Sonic get through the marines armour, I think this answers that question.

Ramondo: I have to agree, a gun can miss, this attack isn't going to miss a target this size.

Jon: Another thing to consider is that the gun has twelve rounds then he has to reload which in combat he isn't gonna have time to do. Sonic can do this over and over again. But having said that on this evidence once should be enough.

Keith: I can't really argue with that. Sonic gets the edge for this attack.

Announcer: So Sonic gets the edge in long range weapons with the spin dash.

Jon: The last thing to consider was who gets the edge between Sonic's energy shield and the marines power armour. After the evidence we've seen I don't think there is any doubt Sonic gets the edge. The armour just isn't going to stop most of Sonic's attacks the shield will stop one from the marine. That is going to be crucial to the outcome of this fight.

Announcer: So Sonic gets the edge in special weapons with the energy shield. But who do our experts think is going to emerge victorious?

Jon: I'm going to go with my original prediction, Sonic is going to win this fight. I'd be very surprised if the marine wins.

Keith: I was going to go for the marine but now I'm not so sure, I actually think based on those tests that Sonic has the overall edge.

Ramondo: I think this is too close to call. But if I had to go with a guess I'd say the marine.

Jon: Ok lets fire up the simulation. Now remember this isn't just one battle, it's one thousand battles to make sure a lucky hit doesn't affect the outcome.

Jon presses the button and the Matrix style graphics fade the view into a grassland which is mainly featureless. Sonic zips across it then he suddenly notices a strange object falling from the sky. It's a drop pod which crashes to earth a few kilometres from his position. Sonic stops, scratches his head then runs off to investigate the strange pod. Upon arriving at the crash site he views the pod which has an open doorway and nothing inside it. Behind him the marine steps into view, he fires at Sonic with his bolt pistol thrice while shouting “XENO SCUM! DIE IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!” but Sonic already heard him coming and does a back flip followed by accelerating away from the marine. Non of his shots hit. The marine yells “COWARD! COME AND FACE ME IN THE EMPERORS NAME!” Sonic changes direction suddenly heading back towards the marine then jumps performing his spin attack but he hits the marines right should guard and just knocks him down. Sonic lands behind the stunned marine then says “Damn, I was aiming for his head. Uh oh.” the marine gets to his feet then charges at Sonic with his chain sword but he never connects since Sonic uses the homing attack his takes him around the weapon but he does no real damage to the armoured warrior. As Sonic speeds away again the marine raises his bolt pistol and fires three more shots but they miss thanks to Sonic's sheer speed and erratic movement. Sonic runs in circles around the marine but he throws a frag grenade which forces Sonic to change direction. Again the marine fires his pistol but scores no hits. He carries on firing at Sonic as he changes direction and heads back towards him but again he misses and the round that does connect is deflected by the energy shield then his magazine runs out and Sonic slams into him knocking him down and wounding him in the flank. Sonic stops to gloat but the marine gets up and comes back at him with his chain sword, Sonic jumps out of the way and it narrowly misses him. “You just don't know when to quite do you badly?” Sonic says before disarming the marine with the homing attack then backing off to use his spin dash. As Sonic powers up the marine makes a grab for the chain sword but before he can pick it up again Sonic slams into him full speed fatally wounding him and spraying blood onto the lens. The marine says “Emperor, forgive me.” then falls over dead kicking up a lot of dust due to his size and heavy armour. Sonic takes a look at the scene then shrugs and zooms off.

The screen says “Winner: Sonic!”

Stats.

Sonic.

Kills: 658

Power sneakers: 0
Homing attack: 80
Spin attack: 188
Spin dash: 390
Energy shield: 0

Marine.

Kills: 342

Bionics: 12
Chain sword: 116
Frag grenade: 24
Bolt pistol: 190
MK 7 Power armour: 0

Jon: In the end Sonic was just to fast and to sharp for the space marine. You can see by the number of kills the spin dash got that it's very effective against the marines power armour. He really had no answer to that.

Keith: I think it's beyond the range of any doubt, I mean this wasn't even a close run thing. Clearly Sonic is the superior warrior. I mean by the numbers the spin attack and the spin dash alone win him the match. If you add in the energy shield it's not such a great surprise that he won.

Ramondo: I have to admit after seeing the tests this outcome did surprise me. I didn't think it'd be this one sided but I have to give Sonic his due he deserves this victory.

The end.