The Hall of Mirrors

“I… can’t go in there…” I gasped as the air around me started thinning out. There were shadowy silhouettes pulling my arms, pushing me to the curtained entrance of the Hall of Mirrors.

You must… face yourself… The shadows echoed silently in their determination to help me in my plight.

“I have never faced myself before…” I breathed a whisper barely audible. I was frightened. The shadows were determined. The resistance I pulled to be free from their grasp was completely futile.

Suddenly, I landed on my bum inside the Hall of Mirrors. They had flung me right through the entrance. I pushed the dark purple curtains off my face and saw the long mirrors tunneling the long corridor that led to nowhere.

See the light at the end of the tunnel, I remembered the saying. So, this is what death tastes like. I swallowed.

Haunted echoes battled against one another as the mirrors ached to identify me by scanning me thoroughly from head to toe, inside out, feeling my aura, my emotions, my fears.

Sheeee iiiiis affffrrrraidddd. Sheeee iiiiis affffrrrraidddd. Sheeee iiiiis affffrrrraidddd. The mirrors echoed, delighted at their first discovery.

I frowned.

"Thank you very much," I said aloud, dabbing my forehead with the back of my hand. "I find the information very useful. Not very bright mirrors, are you? A dog could have easily snuffed that out of me. Try harder."

I was challenging the mirror. Okay, did I like just put myself in trouble? I thought to myself. Are the mirrors going to zap me, kill me or something? I know I have tremendous impatience with idiots and respond to stupidity with sarcasm – but forgive me. It was stupid to state the obvious when I'm dealing with magic mirrors that is supposed to know everything about everything. My fear slowly disappeared and dissolved in irritation.

Herrrr naaaaammmmeee iiiiisss Mannnnndyyyy. Herrrr naaaaammmmeee iiiiisss Mannnnndyyyy, the mirrors echoed.

“Glad to meet you. I believe your names are Mirrors,” I extended my right hand to the air. I felt something grab my hand and I fell forward and hit my cheek on the first mirror on my left.

Loooookkk aaaatttt meeeeeee. Loooookkk aaaatttt meeeeeee.

“I know who I perfectly am and don’t need you to tell me that, thank you very much. If you don’t mind, I would really like to leave now... See, I didn’t come in by my choice. I was forced by the circus to comply by their decision,” I mouthed wordily with my right cheek still stuck to the mirror like glue. It was the power of the mirror that refused to let me go.

“You see, I am not a very interesting ‘specimen’. And I am not comfortable being scrutinized under microscopes,” I explained as much as I can.

Suddenly, I couldn’t speak anymore. The mirrors have completely shut my mouth. I have just lost my negotiation power. Noooooo, I screamed from inside of me. I don’t want to know myself! I don’t want to know myself! Get away from me! Let me goooo!

You think us silly, said the mirror stuck on my cheek. It sounded like a whisper, only audible to me. You try to get out because you are afraid of facing yourself.

That’s what I told the circus, you goon! I thought. Maybe the mirror could read minds too.

I felt a sensation after that, a warmth of love enveloping me. I could not understand it, but all of sudden, something in me was broken and I wept.

You do not like yourself at all. You want to die but you don’t have the courage to kill yourself. But you do not realize, you are beautiful and gorgeous, intelligent and kind-hearted, witty and funny. People are dying to be you. You know that you are talented and gifted. You are one not meant to live an ordinary life. But you are afraid of all of that. You want to be ordinary. You hate being different. You try so hard to impress others, to try to be who you are not. But you do not even have to be different.

I am not in a counseling session, for God’s sake! I still fought back, in between tears, stubborn.

The mirror released me and I stumbled backwards. The second mirror behind me caught me and my right cheek, now wet with tears, was stuck to the mirror.

You think yourself as incompetent, a liar, untrustworthy, useless, worthless, ill-mannered, unreliable, lazy and hopeless. You feel that you once upon a time had a dream and wonder why you have yet to see it come. You know who you are supposed to be but you run away from your destiny many times. Too many a time. Settle for yourself and be happy. Be satisfied with the people around you, who love you, who cherish you. Who just want to be there for you, if you just let them.

I fell back again and had my left cheek stuck to the third mirror. This went on through at least eighteen mirrors in the hallway. My head was pounding. My heart was throbbing.

Enough, stop! Stop all this! I don’t want to hear all this!!! I screamed silently.

The mirrors won’t let me go. I was tired. My cheeks and mirrors were stained with my tears. The terror of having to face myself was horrid. I was hearing things I didn’t want to hear. The things I have done, the things I have not done. The things I am supposed to do. The things that I am not supposed to do. The horrible the person that I am. The good person that I am.

You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you …….

They all came like a muddled memory, making my head spin. They sound accusive, sometimes kind, too overwhelming for a person who despise being the centre of attention, even during birthday celebrations.

After the the nineteenth mirror was done with me, the last mirror finally let go of me. I fell to the floor, weeping, spent of emotions. I just did it. I just went through nineteen magical mirrors in the Hall of Mirrors and I have one more to go. I let out a scream. I could finally speak. The mirrors finally let me go. I was too weak to stand. There I lay on the carpeted floor near the exit, my head buried in my hands, trying to withstand the pressure in my head as the emotions made my head spin.

Then, with the last strength left in my body, I stood. I knelt first on my knees and waited for the room to stop spinning. Then, I stood slowly on my feet and looked back towards the other nineteen mirrors, thinking what a great achievement it was to go through them. My heart and head were not done throbbing with the excitement and shock I went through for the past half an hour.

Look at me, said the last mirror.

This time, at will, I turned to the mirror and saw nothing but myself. I saw my long hair, my tear-stricken face and my long white dress reaching my ankles. For the first time, I saw me. I tried to smile back to the mirror through my tears but the weeping has hardened the sides of my mouth. Nevertheless, I managed a small smile. My pride and sarcasm at the beginning of my visit to disguise my fear were gone.

“Thank you,” I said, wanting to hug the mirror but do not know how a person can hug a mirror.

Goodbye, said the mirror. I am so proud of you that you have passed the test.

I looked at my reflection and couldn’t help myself to ask the mirror what I thought:

“Are you sure that I wouldn’t be considered a narcissist if I stare myself at the mirror for too long?”

All twenty mirrors in the Hall of Mirrors laughed heartily in a melodious chorus of echoey silence. Suddenly, the Hall of Mirrors was gone. I suddenly found myself at a place where I should have been a long, long time ago, right from the start, another humble opportunity to start over before things started to go very, very wrong. I was given what I have least expected – a second chance.