Lost in Thought

Lost In Thought

I am left wishing I could find the answers,
yet I'm here, stuck in the throes of idiocy.

There is no pride in limping
through a field of thorn bushes;
no joy in sinking
to the bottom of a salty sea.

I am lost here,
in this world of doubt and pain;
lost in the shadows of torturous thoughts
and murderous memories.

The world behind me fades
to gentle purples as the world ahead
shouts at me in angry reds;
where is the relief;
the laughter and soulful silence?

Where is the hope that tomorrow
will be a better day and yesterday
will seem so far away?

Why am I being passed salt
when I really want sugar;
mustard when I crave honey?
Why is everything that once
seemed so simple turning me inside out
with it's complexity?

Why can't I scream?

Why do the words not come unless
I am alone with no one to lend me their ear?
Why is honesty suddenly like
vinegar on my tongue;
begging to be spit out and yet
ironically hanging on in bitter after-taste?

Am I truly lost within myself;
beyond the safety of my own mind
and the sanity of empty emotions?

Have I lost myself in the endless schedules
I have set for myself; lost
to those who I have handed myself over to;
giving them the chains to bind me,
the restraints to abuse me?

What have I done to myself
in moments of weakness;
will there ever be freedom
from the cages I have set around myself?

Have I truly trapped myself
in my own dreaded depression?

Where do I turn when every way
seems to be wrong;
every bridge unsteady;
every curve blind?

And who will be there to pick up
the pieces when I have crashed
into the wall that looms
both behind and in front of me?

Who will save me from myself?