Recovering Courage

Recovering Courage

I sat in the booth across from him, waiting for him to speak. He had called me here, begged me to meet with him. Swore he had something important to tell me. Going against my gut feeling, I jumped in the car and drove to the closest McDonalds. Knowing, deep within, that this was it for me.

He wasn’t there when I arrived so I ordered a milkshake and a hot apple pie, you know, the ones that are two for a dollar, sat down in the booth and waited. In fact, I waited so long my apple pie and milkshake were gone. I had just gotten up to order another drink when his car pulled up.

I watched him walk in, waited for a stab of sadness to hit me, anger to throw itself at me, something, anything, but nothing came. His hair was growing out. Usually he kept it short, maybe he had decided to let it grow. His face was clean and sported no five o’clock shadow. His clothes, a pair of blue jeans and a Korn tee-shirt were wrinkle free and clean, hugging his tall muscular body as if they were made just for him, which was an improvement from when he had lived with me. His blue eyes sparkled when they found me, and I wondered what he was thinking.

I took my cup and returned to the booth. He didn’t order anything, just came and sat across from me. And now, almost five minutes later, he had still hadn’t said anything. So I took the initiative. “How have you been?”

He looked at me kind of funny for a minute. “I’m okay. The kids miss you.” His voice sounded strange. Strangled.

“I miss them. You found a decent place then? You are still getting parenting time on weekends?” I sipped my drink.

“Yeah, the ex is bound by court, so I'm getting my parenting time. The place isn’t great, kind of a hellhole. But it will work for now.” He looked at me, reached across the table and rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand. “I want to come home.”

I pulled away. His touch seared me, reminded me of days when I had wanted it, craved it, days I had been refused. “Your home isn't with me anymore. We've discussed this.” I sighed. It was a never ending battle. I had known this was what he wanted. And still I came. Before I would have the chance to go, he would do one of two things: he would cry or he would get angry and make a scene. One or the other was as sure to happen as the sun was sure to rise each morning.

“I don’t want a damned divorce. I don’t want to live alone spending every other weekend with just my kids. I don’t want to do this.”

I pulled back as he reached for me again. I refused to be caught in the physical aspects of our relationship. There was nothing left there.

“I won’t do this, Jack. I won’t sit here and argue with you.” I looked him in the eye. “What’s done is done. You had a long time to try to make things right. You didn’t.”

“I was stupid.”

“If you say so.”

He glared at me. Yeah, this was going to be a bad one. “You weren’t exactly a fucking princess to live with, you know?”

I glared back. “I am not going to sit here and do this with you.” I stood up to go. “I have had enough of these little meetings. Enough of the way you talk to me. Enough of you.” I grabbed my purse. “Don’t call me anymore, Jack. I'll see you in court.”

I practically ran. Tears spilled down my face for the first time since the night he left. I climbed into my car, rolled down the window and lit a cigarette. Inhaling deeply I choked as a sob mingled with the smoke in my throat. My eyes burned as I swiped at them with my free hand.

I heard him before I saw him, his shoes crunching against the gravel. “Damnit Sarah, just let me come home! You need me as much as I need you.”

His voice was softer, pleading. His expression was cold, his hands balled into fists at his sides. I hung my head, tears still streaming down my face. Anger ran through me, disgust ate at me. Was I crying over the stupid words he said? Surely there was more to it that that. It was the years of abuse. The years of being told how worthless I was. The prospect of freedom was as scary as it was relieving.

“Sarah, look at me.”

I raised my eyes to meet his. Where I knew mine were gleaming like emeralds in crystal water, his were now iced over. The small lines of crimson were growing larger, making his eyes glow evilly. His anger hit me hard. Almost like a fist in the face and my breath caught in my chest.

“Sarah, you aren’t going to do this. I won’t let you.”

His voice was rising, his face contorting. Rage oozed from his skin like poison into the atmosphere.

Fear trembled in my muscles, quivering, waiting for the next blow. “Jack, we're done. There is nothing you can say to change that.” I shook my head and wiped my tears away. It was me who needed strength. I needed to end this and start my life over. He would be fine.

He stared at me. Just stared. As if he couldn’t believe his anger had not brought me to my knees at his feet. He reached into the car and I flinched, imagining his hand wrapping around my throat and squeezing. His touch was gentle as he ran his finger down my cheek and caught a tear on the tip of his finger.

“I never meant to make you cry.” His voice softened, his eyes no longer bleeding in rage. “I thought that we would have a lifetime together. I never imagined that you would leave me.”

I wanted to cry for him. For the lost boy inside the angry man. I wanted to fold him in my arms and tell him how sorry I was. But I had to remind myself that this was part of the problem. His ever changing moods had broken me. It had been his tenderness I had clung to when his viciousness left me crying on the floor.

I looked into his eyes, and for one brief moment saw the man I once loved. Caged behind years of anger that had never been released, he stood there, like a child afraid in the night, and stared back at me. “I’m so sorry Jack. But it really is over. I have to move on.” I put the car in reverse. “Please don’t call me. Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” I gazed into his handsome face. “Please, just let me go.”

Without a second thought I backed out of the parking space, then threw the car into drive. My foot stilled on the gas pedal as I looked one last time behind me before I drove away, leaving the man I had loved for so long, my dreams, my life, and my heart, behind me.