Good Days & Bad Days

Bad Days

My alarm goes off at 5:55. I peel my eyes open and curse quietly to myself. Another day. I hit the snooze alarm at least twice. I seriously don’t feel like I can handle another day.

When I finally bring myself to crawl out of bed, I’m cold. Like a robot, I go through the same routine; wash and dress, make my flask and rush out the door after drinking half a cup of tea. Got to get my skates on, I’m late again.

I peer through my car windscreen at all the red break lights as I sit on the motorway in yet another traffic jam, and my mind starts to wander. What crap will I be up against today? A thousand thoughts drift through my mind about the people I care about. A tear rolls down my cheek, but it’s okay, I’m alone. No one there to see me without my mask. I don’t really care about myself, I don’t matter too much so long as I keep on top of things, but I do care about them. I will try not to lose it today, I really will.

I reach work, it’s grim, dark, cold and still raining. The people I work with are nice. They say good morning and ask how I am. I smile politely and lie to them.

“Yeah, I’m okay, thanks.”

They’re not really interested in my welfare, it’s just what you say. No one is really interested, even the people you consider close to you. They all have their own crap to deal with. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if people were really honest with each other. What would their reaction be if I told them how it really was?

“Well, I’m not doing so good, to be honest. My wife is suffering from ill health. It makes things so hard. My daughter is struggling to cope with raising two kids on her own. I do what I can to help, but I’m not in the best financial position myself. My other kids don’t make things any easier. Some of my closest friends are having a really hard time. It’s so hard to watch. It’s all taking its toll on me, I think I need help. Is it normal to sit on your own and cry, because I find I’m doing that quite a lot just lately?”

I’m fairly certain they wouldn’t ask me if I was okay again, and would probably avoid me. So I do what I always do and slip into my mask, smile, joke around and quote my morning script.

“Yeah, I’m okay, thanks.”

I set to work and check the clock every ten minutes. Is it tea break yet? I try my best to get through the day. Working hard helps to take your mind off what’s really going on in your head. Best not to think too much about it. I hide behind my wall.

I get a text message telling me about the latest crap going down in real life. I give a deep sigh. Is it tea break yet? When is this day going to end? I make a few jokes with my friends and slip deeper behind my wall. I mustn’t let my shield slip.

Finally my working day comes to an end. I’m cold, dirty and extremely tired. I pack my stuff in the car and drive through the rain towards the motorway. I’m greeted by a string of bright red break lights as I merge into an endless line of crawling traffic. My mission to reach home has begun. I just want to get home.

My euphoria at arriving is short lived when I step through the door and my wife tells me about everything that has gone wrong during the day. It’s never good news. I try to look concerned, but all I really want to do is eat my dinner and go to bed.

“Don’t worry, I will see what I can sort out.”

I absorb myself that night in my computer, just like every night. I don’t have any friends in real life, but that doesn’t really bother me. Who needs friends, it’s not like I would have the time for a social life anyway. The day reaches its end. I’m relieved. Like a robot, I run through my chores before I finally climb into bed.

Before I know it, my alarm goes off at 5:55. I peel my eyes open and curse quietly to myself. Another day. I hit the snooze alarm at least twice. I seriously don’t feel like I can handle another day.

But I always do. I have no choice.


Good Days

My alarm goes off at 5:55. I peel open my eyes and curse quietly to myself. Here we go again. I’ve never been a morning person. I hit the snooze alarm at least twice. This morning it was actually three times, I fancied an extra ten minutes in bed.

When I finally get out of bed it’s not too bad. It’s warmer than it has been for days. Like a robot, I go through the same routine; wash and dress, and make my flask. I gaze out of the window to find my car isn’t frozen. What a result, I’ve got time to finish my cup of tea this morning.

I peer through my car windscreen at all the break lights as I sit on the motorway in a traffic jam. Not that I’m bothered, at least it’s not raining today and I’m in no rush to get to work to be honest. I stick on one of my CD’s and play air guitar to one of my favourite tunes on the steering wheel. I sing really badly as I gaze out of the window at all the miserable-looking commuters around me.

A thousand thoughts drift through my mind about the people I care about. My grandchildren will be coming over on Saturday, they bring so much joy to my life. The thought of their beautiful smiling faces as they rush into my house and cry, “Granddad!” makes me smile a lot. How funny they are.

I reach work on time for a change, so I have time for another quick cuppa before I get out of the car. The people who I work with are nice. They say good morning and ask how I am.

I smile politely and say, “Yeah, I’m okay, thanks.” I mean it this time.

I set to work with my wind-up radio blasting, and the morning flies by really quickly. I stop for a tea break and get a short text message from my wife. It tells me how much she loves me and how much she is missing me today. It makes me smile, and I realise how lucky I am.

Finally, my working day comes to an end. I pack my stuff away in the car and drive to the motorway. My mission to reach home has begun. I just want to get home.

I pull up outside my house, go inside and dump my bags beside the back door. I’m greeted by my beautiful wife who gives me a hug then hands me my dinner. It’s my favourite.

I settle down for the evening and switch on my computer. I have an email from one of my dear friends. It is massively encouraging. It makes me smile. You now, I really do believe I have a chance to make something of myself one day. My friends are so nice to me. They are amazing.

The day draws to an end and I climb the stairs to my bed. I love my bed, seriously, it’s the best place in the world. I think happy thought and drift off into a comfortable sleep.

My alarm doesn’t go off at 5:55. I peel open my eyes and stare at the clock in the darkness. It reads 6:20. I don’t relish the thought of getting up in the cold knowing I will be rushing around like a madman. Then I realise. It’s Saturday. I snuggle back down into the warm duvet with a contented smile.