Waiting for Hope

Waiting for Hope

The waiting was the hardest part. I sat outside the courtroom, wondering what was taking so long. I could have been in the courtroom, but the wait was unbearable in there.  I just wanted to take her home.  How I had gotten here still seemed surreal.

A year earlier:

The tiny cries that filled the air that cool autumn morning, had led me off my normal jogging trail and into a small outcropping of trees.  There bundled up tightly was a baby girl no more than a week old.  I knew she was still alive.

Her lungs filled with air, just before she let out a soul wrenching wail, that made me want to sit down and cry with her.  I couldn’t move her.  I couldn’t disturb the evidence. As much as I wanted to comfort her, I wouldn’t be the one responsible for no one being able to find her family.  I pulled my cell phone from my jacket pocket, and called for help. 

Help arrived in the form of my brother and uncle.  Both were local police officers.  Craig looked at me wide eyed. “Leave it to the brat to find trouble.”  His tone had been playful but I knew he was just trying to cover up his real concern. 

I kept telling him I was fine.  I had come to terms with my ovarian cancer.  I had long ago gotten over the idea of not having a family of my own.  I learned to accept that most men did an about face as soon as they heard the word cancer, rather than commit to helping someone they barely knew. I probably would never marry.  I would never have kids. I had my work at the school for the blind. I saw getting my teaching certificate before the news of my cancer as a blessing


Craig and Uncle Roy never completely believed me.  I guess I wasn’t doing a good job hiding my anxiety for this child because they kept looking at me like they expected me to pass out or start crying or something.  The two worked quickly, calling for an ambulance.  In no time she was being handed to an EMT.

“Can I ride with her?”  I asked so softly, I didn’t expect to be heard.

I still don’t know if Uncle Roy actually heard me. I always wondered if his response was more out of concern for me than actually hearing my question.  I had asked as Craig was handing the baby up to the EMT.  It seemed like forever before anyone responded. Uncle Roy had been speaking to the other EMT then turned to me.  “Up you go.” 


The baby spent the next few days in the hospital.  She had a minor ear infection and no place to go except foster care.  It was thanksgiving break for the school, so I spent my entire five days of vacation sitting with her, not wanting her to ever think she was alone. The social worker had used it as a good excuse to delay her paperwork.

I began to call her Hope. She after all, was going to need a lot of it to survive this world after being abandoned so young.  The nurses and doctors started to call her Hope too.  We all agreed it was much healthier for her than calling her baby Jane Doe.

They eventually found her parents.  Her father had been killed in a drug raid and her mother had died the day after she was born of a drug overdose.  She had been left in the park by a crack head that couldn’t stand to see a baby left in a crack house alone.

I cried when the social worker came to take Hope away.  My uncle and brother helped me do everything I needed to apply to be Hope’s foster mother.  My childhood home was painted, child proofed and updated.  A fence was put up around the backyard.  Within two weeks, Hope was home with me. 
Now:

Today was her first birthday, and I was sitting outside a court room waiting for a judge to decide if Hope could be my child forever.  But, it was a long shot.  These things just never happened.  My only chance was the testimony of the hospital staff, the social workers and my family.  They had all told about my dedication to Hope. 

But, there were still a lot of problems. I was single.  I wasn’t wealthy and my health wasn’t considered ideal for the situation.  The judge had grilled about that particular topic until I thought my ears would bleed.

I heard the courtroom doors open more than saw them.  The Bailiff motioned for me to come back in. I saw the smiling faces of my friends and family.  I had waited so long for this answer and I had believed that the wait was the worst.  But, I had been wrong.  The looks of pity I would see if this didn’t go my way would be the worst. 

I took my seat and waited for the judge to speak.  “It is a complicated thing this decision.  I had to consider what would be best for the child.  After all, Ms. Mathew’s life might not be as long as some others. However, she has shown this child more love in the last year than she would have ever seen in anyone else’s care.  I also can see that if Ms. Mathews does become ill again, there will be friends and family just as willing to give baby Jane Doe a wonderful life.  My decision is that all family rights are severed, the adoption is accepted and the child’s name from now on is Hope Mathew’s. Congratulations.”

The cheer that went up in that room was almost deafening.  I had my Hope and she had all of us.  Yes, the wait had been unbearable but it had been worth it.