Mon-Anon

    "What's all this?"  Creature from the Black Lagoon paused in the doorway and scanned the room.  Unexpectedly, his whole family was there.  They all sat and faced him, teary-eyed.

    "Hi, Creature from the Black Lagoon, or is it Sal?  I'm the Boogeyman.  Care to have a seat?"

    To Sal, aka Creature from the Black Lagoon, the whole thing was suspect.  He didn't like surprises but he would humor them all for now, curious to see what  this was all about.  He regarded each and everyone in his family as he walked into the room.  There sat his wife, Medusa, with her father, Basilisk.  Also present were his own parents, Merman and Coelacanth (whom he'd thought to be extinct until she returned to the family when Sal was eight), his little brother Sigmund the Seamonster...Even Sleestack, his fraternity brother and one of his oldest friends.  He hadn't seen him for a couple of years.  He cast a particularly expectant look at Boogeyman, who had taken center stage.

    "Sure, I'm game.  What's going on?"  He sat down next to Medusa.

    "Sal, I'm here because your family asked me to be.  I've gotten to know them the last couple of days."  The Boogeyman pulled up a chair for himself in front of the group and regarded Black Lagoon singly.  "What I see here is a bunch of creatures who love you like crazy but they're afraid they're losing you..."

    Medusa burst into tears and Basilisk put a hand on her shoulder.

    "...So they've all prepared some statements they're going to read to you.  They'll say what they have to, you'll say what you're going to and we're done.  Sound alright?"

    Honestly, Creature was a little put out by the ambush, but in deference to the family decided to play along.  He glanced from face to face trying to gauge where this was going. 

    "Sure," he said, "let's do this."

    Medusa collected herself and faced Sal, her father still squeezing her arm supportively.

    "Sal, you are no longer the creature that I married.  You were happy once, full of vitality, full of confidence.  Now we hardly speak.  You sit for hours just watching old reruns of your movies or the games.  You used to look at me and you'd turn to stone..." She started to fall apart.  Snivelling, she continued.  " You'd turn to stone..."

    It was all she could manage.  Turning away, she buried her face in her father's scaly chest and sobbed.

    Merman spoke up to fill the void.  "Son, I think...We think that you have an obscurity problem.  I mean, look at you.  You're a marine animal.  When was the last time you were submerged?  Your skin looks so dry, you've put on weight.  You don't look so healthy, Son."

    Boogeyman interjected.  "Your issue affects everyone, don't you see?  Yes, you are passe', but it doesn't need to define you.  You are by no means alone in this.  We've arranged for you to attend a group meeting with others who suffer as you do.  All you have to do is say yes."

    "He's right, Sal."  It was Sleestack putting in his two cents.  "I never thought that it could happen to me, either.  Thirty years ago if somebody told me, 'Sleestack, one day Land of the Lost won't be there for you.  There will be kids who've never heard of it,' I would have laughed in their face.  They were right, though.  Technological advances have made me look like a guy in pajamas with a paper mache' head.  Come with me, buddy.  You'll see how much Mon-Anon can help you."

    "Mon-Anon?"  Sal had never heard of it.  They were right.  He hadn't realized how much he had let himself go.  Perhaps he'd been a little distressed lately, though he couldn't figure out why.

    "Monsters Anonymous," Boogeyman confirmed, "Mon-Anon for short.  It is a thirteen step program designed to help obscure villians..."

    "And good guys," offered Sigmund.

    "And good guys...Make sense of a circumstance that can prove unavoidable at times.  What do you say, Sal?  Are you willing to give it a shot?"

    Creature from the Black Lagoon weighed his answer as he again panned all of the faces gathered there out of concern for him.  They all hung on his next words.  "It's not lock-up, right?"

    "It is absolutely voluntary," Boogeyman and Sleestack answered in unison.

    Sal sat a moment longer.  "When is it?"

    "Every Thursday including tonight," Boogeyman replied without missing a beat, "if we leave now, we can still make it."

    "You in?"  Prodded Sleestack as he pointed at his watch.

    "I'm in.  What the hell, how bad could it be?"

    The eruption of teary-eyed joy that followed his answer was encouraging and might have lasted much longer had there been time.  As it was, the three had barely enough to make the trip across town and Sal's very first Mon-Anon meeting.  An obligatory round of hugs, a pat or two on the back, and they were off.


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    On the trip across town and up until their arrival at Ray Harryhausen Memorial Elementary, something was eating at the Boogeyman though he tried his best to hide it.  Turns out he was doing Sleestack a bit of a favor in scheduling Sal's intervention so hot on the heels of a regular meeting.  He'd left Frankenstein in charge in his absence, a decision that weighed heavily on him, it was apparent.

    "I'm not trying to charge the atmosphere negatively for you, Sal.  It's just that I've never done it like this before and I've never been this late.  Kind of a night of firsts, huh?"  It was Boogeyman's attempt to smooth things over for the benefit of the newbie.

    His anxieties were not entirely unfounded.  As they entered the building, the trio was greeted by what had once been a hospitality table.  It had been overturned and torn to shreds.  Paper plates littered the hallway, napkins and platters as well.  A punch bowl was perched precariously on a half-collapsed table nearby, the plastic cups scattered haphazardly about.  It looked as if a bomb had hit.

    Crouching against the wall amongst this mess was Frankenstein.  He was hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.  It sounded like he may have been humming.

    "Frank?!"  Boogeyman hurried over and put his hands on the great beast's shoulders.  "Are you alright?"

    The familiar voice seemed to pull Frank out of his trance.  "Boogey.  Is it you?"

    "It's me.  What the hell happened here?"  He motioned for the others to help raise the brute to his feet.

    "Cookie Monster.  It was Cookie Monster.  I think he's relapsed."  Frankenstein clasped his mentor's face between the two giant sides of beef that were his hands and spoke directly into his face.  Obviously a little distraught, he hardly seemed to notice anybody else who was present.  "It was MY fault, though.  I forgot.  I forgot to skip the chocolate chip."

    Boogeyman spoke reassuringly to Frank.  "It's ok.  It was a mistake.  You can't blame yourself entirely.  Cookie Monster needs to take responsibility for his own actions.  Where is everybody?"

    The great golem, still somewhat traumatized, pointed repeatedly down the hallway.

    "Gymnasium.  I got them all into the gymnasium."

    "Thank you, Frank, you've done a fine job.  We're going to check in on the others now.  Are you going to be alright?"

    Frank nodded and Boogeyman patted his arm.  "Join us when you feel ready, Big Guy.  Sleestack, Sal...Come on."


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    If they hadn't seen the devastation first hand when they arrived, they would have been hard pressed to believe anything had been amiss.  All eyes turned to the three newcomers who'd flung the doors open and piled in anticipating near-riot conditions.  The scene that greeted them inside the gym seemed harmonious and quite orderly.  The meeting was underway, and with a fair turn out by the looks of it.  Cookie Monster slept in King Kong's palm and Mummy had the floor.  He'd stopped midsentence at the intrusion.

    Boogeyman and his two companions were a little stunned to have ended up being the distraction but Boogeyman shook it off very quickly. 

    "Thank goodness we made it!  Heh, we were worried that we would be late."  Following his lead, Sleestack and Sal sauntered with him into the midst of the group.  The Boogeyman continued.  "You all know Sleestack already, and tonight we've got a new member joining us.  Introduce yourself, Sal."

    Sal was decidedly uncomfortable.  "Er, my name is Creature from the Black Lagoon.  That's C-r-e-a-t-u-r-e-f-r-o-m-t-h..."

    "His name is Sal," interrupted Sleestack, "Sal."

    Boogeyman then took the lead.  "Thank you, Sal, for that.  We'll just take our seats.  We apologize, Mummy, for the interruption.  Please continue."  And just like that, the meeting proceeded as usual, Boogeyman back as moderator.

    "I...I was saying, who's afraid of a goddamned mummy anymore?"  The Mummy twirled a soiled bandage with his finger as he spoke.  "It's like, 'oooooooo, the curse of the mummy, who gives a shit?"

    "We do," Boogeyman quickly interjected.  He was group leader.  He felt obligated to stress the fact that everyone at Mon-Anon shared the humiliation of being passe'.

    "At least you were scary once."  It was Grover, his blue hair touched with more than a fair share of gray.  "I'm a monster and I'm not even scary.  I'll always just be remembered for learning to tie my own shoes and clumsily flying around as Super Grover.  How humiliating."

    "You were young and needed the work," Boogeyman offered, "Your contribution to human/monster relations is unparalleled."

    "Ever heard of Mike Waszowski?  James P. Sullivan?  MONSTERS, INC?!  How about Grimace?"  Grover stood.  He took a few rapid steps toward Boogeyman.

    "Near."  He ran to the waterfountains at the far corner of the gym.

    "Far!"  He called back.  Running back again, he stopped just short of his host.

    "Near."  And then he ran again back to the waterfountains. 

    As he ran, Sal leaned in close to Sleestack.  "Another Sesame St character.  Why are they so angry?"

    "It's not such a good neighborhood these days," Sleestack answered quietly.

    "FAR!!  What the hell kind of legacy is that?  I wasn't even in any of the muppet movies!"

    "You were everybody's favorite," countered Boogeyman.

    Grover ran again across the room and put his face right in Boogeyman's.

    "I WAS.  I was everybody's favorite.  Ever heard of Elmo?  That son of a bitch took cute to a whole new level.  From then on, it was 'goodbye, Grover'!"

    Boogeyman put his hand on the panting muppet's shoulder.  "Grover, we've talked about this.  Everybody here has a story to tell.  We all share your pain."  He motioned toward all of the others seated around the room, all of them waiting patiently for their chance to speak.

    Big Bad Wolf was there.  He had been the go to villian back in the day, starring in such classics as "Red Riding Hood", "The Three Little Pigs", and "Peter and the Wolf".  Now he was relegated to cameos in the Shrek movies.  How far he'd fallen.  What next?  Infomercials?  Maybe a reality show if he was lucky.

    Godzilla stood in a corner, poor thing.  He used to devastate cities, fight exotic enemies, hold entire armies at bay.  Now he struggled to hear what was being said some thirty feet below him.  Let's face it, fifty years of explosions and his own bellowing had taken a toll.  That and his peanut allergy had gotten worse.

    Casper, Minotaur, Kraken and Troll all sat, hands folded in their laps.  Gargamel shifted uncomfortably at the tension in the room...Sal took all of it in and again leaned in closer to Sleestack to ask something of him while all of the drama was unfolding.

    Boogeyman continued, his voice calm and soothing.  "Grover, we're all here for you.  We're all here to heal."

    "Sleestack?"

    "Yeah, Sal?"

    "Can I borrow your phone?"

    "My phone?"

    "Yeah.  I need to call Al-Anon, I think I feel a drinking problem coming on."






    Are you or some monster you know suffering from obscurity?  There is help.  Contact a Mon-Anon near you.