Santa Claus is not coming to your town

Santa Claus is not coming to your town


December 21

Today a representative of the giant toy manufacturer, Santa Inc., confirmed reports that some files had been hacked from their mainframe at their North Pole location.  Tiny Tot, vice president for packaging, told reporters it was not a major concern, since the intrusion was detected before any major damage could be done.

However, a source close to Santa’s customer service department revealed, under conditions of anonymity, that two of the stolen files were of major concern to the company and possibly could affect world security.  The source would not elaborate.


December 22

Today electronic documents stolen from Santa Incorporated began appearing on websites throughout the world.  Experts assigned to the case have confirmed that the lists are downloads from two files--Naughty.XLS and Nice.XLS.  Continued requests for comments made to Santa Inc. remain unanswered.

A check of one website revealed the number of hits on that site to be well over six hundred million.  Though many seem to be interested only in which list their name appears, there is growing concern that many on these lists may become targets of radicals or governments and possibly radical governments or even government radicals.

Although no personal information is included on these lists, addresses for most could be found with a quick Internet search.  Not surprisingly, a search for Osama Bin Laden returned, “No current address found” and for Barrack Obama, “Far left end of Washington,” so finding out where these people are remains a mystery.


December 23

Rumors of sweatshop-like conditions at Santa Inc. have resurfaced with the charge of lax security measures regarding confidentiality issues for Santa’s clientele.  Marchers, including SEIU and AFL-CIO members, surrounded the huge complex with renewed effort, demanding new regulations concerning the alleged poor working conditions.  Signs such as “Free the elves” and “No more work for candy canes” were seen.  PETA was also represented, demanding that Rudolf be given proper care for his condition and not taken advantage of.

Arial photos of the site revealed huge stockpiles of lump coal.  Although no visible atmospheric pollution was detected, an EPA spokesperson said, “We are concerned.”  A team of self-proclaimed experts led by Al Gore has been dispatched to the North Pole to evaluate the situation.


December 24

In a rare appearance, Santa Claus, president and CEO of Santa Inc., made a stunning announcement.  In his speech he declared that, due to unforeseen economic shortfalls, his yearly trip would be cancelled.  He admitted that the company had been mismanaged but maintained his view that Santa Inc. was too big to fail.  He stated that it was his hope that the company could be rebuilt and operations could continue, but warned, “That, can only happen if the United States comes to the aid of Santa Inc. in the form of a fifteen billion dollar bailout.”

In a poll conducted following the announcement, those for and those against a bailout, were a nearly even split.  For this year, though, there will be no Santa Claus.


December 25

Merry Christmas.