Cooking for the Criminally Insane

Cooking for the Criminally Insane

This week...

Chile Con Carne

Begin by finely chopping two large onions, while resisting the urge to carve mystical runes into your forearm.

Next, crush two cloves of garlic like you crushed that man's head with a rock. There was so much blood and you basked in it's release. But no time for that now.

Heat two tablespoons of olive oil in a large, heavy-based saucepan. Heavy enough to cause serious damage to a skull, but not too heavy that you won't be able to flee the scene.

Fry the onion and garlic until softened.

Increase the heat and add the mince, cooking until the screaming in your head stops or when brown all over. Break down any chunks with wild stabbing motions and weeping.

Pour in as much red wine as there is blood in a badger and boil the writhing mass for two to three minutes.

Stir in two tins of chopped tomatoes, tomato puree, fresh chilli or chilli flakes, cumin, coriander, cinnamon and Worcestershite sauce and crumble in the stock cube. Bring to a simmer and watch the bubbles. Laugh to yourself while using a cheese grater on your knuckles. Cook on a gentle heat for 50 minutes to 1 hour until the mixture is rich and thickening, like congealing blood.

Go kill someone.

Add the kidney beans, not a real kidney. That is your trophy and must not be lost.

Add coriander and cook for a further ten minutes.

Serve with rice, guacamole, sour cream and fingers.

This meal tastes even better a few days later, so either store it in the fridge or put some in a tupperware container and keep in in the freezer. If there's room next to all the heads.