Santa Claus is Coming to Town

You better watch out
You better not cry

Well, you can stop right there. That sounded like a threat to me. What sort of Christmas song starts with two threats back-to-back?

Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

Why? Does crying anger him? Are we supposed to walk around wearing forced smiles lest we incur the wrath of the Dark Lord Santa? What if my dog died? That's some sad shit right there. I refuse to fake jolliness just to placate some airborne fat guy. He hasn't bought me any presents since I was 7 anyway. Bastard.

He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

Whoa, whoa, whoa. A list of every living person on Earth containing information on a year's worth of misdemeanors and/or pleasantries for each one? The only way that would be possible is with an underground bunker filled with hundreds of government-grade supercomputers. No wonder he lives in the North Pole, the cooling those things would require boggles the mind!

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Right, the first thing I'm doing tonight is checking my entire flat for hidden cameras and microphones. It's the only explanation. And how much would that cost exactly? Billions upon billions of pounds worth of surveillance equipment, so advanced that not one person has ever discovered any of it. The guy must be a trillionaire! Yes, it all makes sense. His is an empire built on blackmail and slave labour. I mean, in order to create enough toys for all the Earth's children in one year, he must have enslaved the entire Elfish race! Millions of individuals working day and night for their entire lives in underground colonies. The horror.

Oh! You better watch out!

I'm arming myself as we speak.

You better not cry

I think we're well past tears at this stage.

Better not pout

I am no longer capable of such facial expressions. All I can manage now is a hardened scowl.

I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

I'll be ready...