My life story

8 years of abuse.....confusion and chaos...ten years of wondering what each day would bring whether another bruise or ........the other....many women who go through what I have been don't make it out.....nor do the kids. The estimated guess for those that do is one in every ten if that. So, this is dedicated to them and their kids.

I was eighteen when I thought I was in love.....but what I thought and what was was two entirely different things. Things went great at first then the abuse started....a little hit here a little hit there. After our first son was born I had had guns pulled on me knives and been hit till unconcious. After our son was born he got really bad into drugs one time he tried to smoke it in front of our newborn son I threw it into the middle of a 4 way section of traffic he almost threw me from the car and after he got another coke pipe it was heated and I was burned with it repeatedly to pay for the other one he lost. The worst times I have had include: guns to my head....beaing beaten and thrown in a horse stahl with a horse I could have been trampled, strangled, nearly drowned among lots of other things. My son has seen me go through alot of things and my daughter.

May 5th is just one day but that was the last day.....and could of been my day of death very easily. I had prayed alot before that day that God would take my life and use it has a way to let people see what was happening and to get my kids out of there. Well that day was the day....at about 9:30 am my husband had the knife to my throat and I thought that would be it.....I shut my eyes as I figured this was it it had always been close but this felt like it. When my eyes opened they opened to my niece, my son and daughter screaming. There they were 3 pairs of eyes who didn't deserve what they were about to see.....the knife got thrown to the table. Cops were called and things were said and agencies involved.

I left with nothing.....my kids drove away in a cop car to foster care...I spent weeks waiting to see them while things were investigated...because they weren't safe with me. My life has I knew it did end, but God had other plans. He kept his hand apon my kids keeping them safe even placed them with friends at one point I hadn't been in contact with in years....believe me as a mother away from your kids it placed an ease on my heart just enough to keep me holding and pushing on and gave me strength. I found the strength I needed in God and I used it to PROVE MYSELF and I did I did all and EVERYTHING and GAVE MY ALL AND EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME......to be able to hold them again. I went beyond what I was asked at times to be able to have them with me. It took me eight months to do it all and prove it but I did it. Now we are safe and things are different, but I live with that and those memories. So to all reading this DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

I end this with something I wrote
Heaven ain't Heaven yet
copywrited doran enterprises


Tear drops fall down from Heaven as I gaze down at thee Earth...
My souls aching has I gaze down on you grown so much since your birth...
I cling to my savior to ease my suffering and pain....
In my head your face and our memories remain...
I look into his eyes as he watches me....
I can't hide I am dying inside longing to have been the mother I knew I could be...

Lord, forgive me but Heaven ain't Heaven yet......
My heart is longing for someone I cannot forget.....
Lord, please forgive me Heaven ain't heaven yet..

I love the way your eyes light up your face....
I miss all those nights I would hold you in my embrace..
I have watched you grow and gaze up at the sky each day as the sun shines...
I wonder if you know....
I haven't let you go.....
I feel hand reach out and touch my shoulder.....
Now too big to hold you've grown up your six years old.....

Lord forgive me if I cry.........but... Heaven ain't Heaven yet......
My heart is longing for someone I cannot forget.....
Lord, please forgive me cause Heaven just ain't heaven yet..