Hansel & Gretel: How it Really Went Down

The Rules
All entries must follow the prompt below.
Make sure your entry does not have a higher rating than 18+ please!
Do not exceed 2,000 words.
The genre/theme may be whatever you wish as long as it follows the prompt.
I do not solely rate on technical fluency.
I expect that typos and spelling errors are minimal. There's nothing preventing you from spell checking.
There's no particular theme or genre that you have to write by, but I hope that each entry reflects on the prompt.
While I don't care about the theme or genre, I may not like what you've chosen.
Please feel free to indulge on creative twists to the prompt. Surprising me is always a bonus.
 
This Round's Prompt
This round's prompt is: Tell me a twisted story based on any traditional fairy-tale or bedtime story!
Edits are welcome and encouraged up until the deadline.
Prizes, depending on entrants, may include Awardicons, Gift points and Merit Badges.
The deadline for this round is February 19th at 12:01am!

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Hansel and Gretel:
How it Really Went Down

By Indelibleink

Once upon a time a very poor woodcutter named Wimpy lived in a modest cottage in the forest with his two children, Hansel and Gretel, and his second wife, Naggie Mae. Naggie Mae was forever - yes, you guessed it - nagging Wimpy about their financial situation, and was particularly vocal about the negative economic impact her two stepchildren had on the family budget.

One afternoon it all came to a head, when Wimpy came home from a hard day of woodcutting to find an incensed Naggie storming around the living room in quite a tizzy.

"What is wrong, my dear?" inquired the weary woodsman.

Naggie set down her Pabst long enough to pick up the TV remote, and gave it a click in the direction of the widescreen. Nothing happened.

"That's what's wrong, Wimpy! We couldn't pay the cable bill last month, so they disconnected us this morning! So, no more Oprah, no more Dr. Phil, no more nothing!" Naggie then threw the remote in Wimpy's general direction and plopped down on the recliner, polished off the rest of her brew, and pulled the tab on a fresh one.

"Dear, I'll try to cut more wood so we can get the cable back." Wimpy, really, was wimpy, and it was abundantly clear why Wimpy's first wife had decided to move on to greener pastures. The guy had the spine of a jellyfish.

Naggie laughed, belched, and glared at Wimpy. "That won't solve the problem, you idiot! Those two little freeloaders of yours have got to go! If we didn't have them to feed and clothe, life could be pretty good..."

"But Naggie," Wimpy countered, "those are two children whom I love dearly. You don't just discard kids like yesterday's newspaper..."

"Sure you can," the psychotic stepmother continued, "because, if you make it look like an accident, we're free and clear of any charges of wrongdoing. Let me put it this way: either the brats go, or I do."

This put Wimpy in quite a bind, because he knew he'd look pretty foolish if yet another wife took off. And, besides, Naggie did make a pretty tasty apple strudel, at least when she was sober. Thirdly, he was never really on board with the names his first wife had given their kids. Hansel and Gretel? Too German.

So, it came to be that the couple decided that Wimpy would soon take the kids out for a "nature walk" deep into the forest, and when the opportunity presented itself, he'd take off running. Unfortunately for Wimpy and Naggie, Hansel had overheard the two discussing the plan. (Seriously, who doesn't know enough to close the frickin' bedroom door and whisper while they're hatching a murder plot)?

Anyway, when the big day arrived and Wimpy took the kids out for their little walk in the wild, Hansel had prepared for the desertion and had loaded up his hiking shorts with little white pebbles, dropping some intermittently as they went deep into the forest. After Wimpy had pretended he had to tie his shoe lace while urging the kids to keep walking and that he would "catch up," he took off like a scared jackrabbit as soon as the kids were out of sight. Unfazed by the abandonment, the children simply followed the moon-lit stones as a guide to get them back home.

Suffice to say, Wimpy and Naggie were a bit surprised the next morning to discover the children sleeping in their beds. When they were able to coerce Gretel into spilling the beans (or in this case, pebbles) as to how they had retraced their steps the night before, the crooked couple evidently decided it was too good of a plan not to try again, so they decided to give it another shot.

You have to give perseverance points to Wimpy and Naggie for doing the same thing the very next day, but at the same time you have to deduct some common sense points for them not thinking the children wouldn't be just a little leery of a second nature walk, given the results of the day before. Of course, nobody would ever confuse Hansel and Gretel with being Rhodes Scholars either, since they somehow agreed to going out again for another "nature walk" a mere twenty-four hours after the first one turned into a "dump and run."

This time, Naggie Mae wanted to be certain the little cretins didn't have any tricks up their collective sleeves (literally), so the kids were subjected to a thorough search prior to leaving the house. Good thing, too, because Hansel was found to be carrying a compass, cell phone, and the latest Rand McNally atlas, while Gretel was caught carrying a flashlight, a camp stove, and the Garmin (taken from the saddlebag of the family mule). Of course, Naggie paid no attention to the huge chunk of Italian bread Hansel was chowing down on as he left the house. The bread would work just as well as the pebbles did, in Hansel's estimation, so he copied the procedure he had used with the pebbles exactly but instead using bread crumbs.

Later in the day, when they were deep in the forest and it was starting to get dark, Hansel noted that he was running precariously low on bread crumbs. So, he decided to force the issue.

"Father, isn't it about time one for your shoelaces to become untied?"

Wimpy, suddenly realizing that it was getting dark and he was getting a bit chilly, agreed.

"By golly, Hansel, you're right. It is loose. You kids go ahead, I'll catch up in a minute." And, Wimpy began to fumble with his shoelace, while whistling that "everything-is-cool-nothing-to-see-here-so-don't-look-back" kind of tune.

To Hansel and Gretel, however, it sounded more like the "our-father-is-a-total-moron" kind of tune. When they heard the sound of Wimpy running in the opposite direction, they turned around. Upon discovering that the birds in the forest had consumed the trail of crumbs that would lead the pair back home, Hansel and Gretel realized their little back-tracking plan, this time, had fizzled.

"I'm scared!" cried Gretel. "It's cold, I'm starving, and I want to go home!"

"Go home to what?" countered Hansel. "We go home, and Father will simply bring us back out here the following night after Stepmother reads him the riot-act once more. As Yogi Berra once said, 'It'll be deja vu all over again'. There's moonlight. We can find our way to something. Besides, I have a plan."

"Wait" said Gretel. "Yogi Berra lived in the twentieth century. We're mired in the nineteenth century. Yogi Berra hasn't even been born yet. You can't use that quote."

Hansel shrugged. "Okay, okay, so I can't quote Yogi Berra. Yet you have no problem with earlier references in this story to cable television, cell phones, Garmins, and the like?"

After several hours of moon-lit meandering, the pair came upon a small cottage. Hansel tried the door knocker, to which there was no response. However, the door seemed to be rather soft, and Hansel was able to stick his finger into it. Withdrawing his finger slowly, he gave the goo a taste.

"Mmmmmmm! Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. My favorite!"  He then punched his hand through the door and unfastened the inner latch. Within seconds, both kids were inside the house of confections. Showing little regard for how their stomachs would feel, or how their complexions would look the next morning, the children ate for hours. Thirsty, they decided to make some chocolate milk, since there was milk in the fridge and chocolate was, well, everywhere! There were no burners on the industrial-sized stove, however, so the kids decided to put the milk in a kettle, the kettle in the oven, and warmed it up that way.

Just as the fire from the oven was raging, the still of night was broken by the high-pitched shriek of what sounded like a crazy female.

"Where are you, you little brats? Where's my jewelry?"

"Yowza!" exclaimed Gretel. "That sounds like Stepmother. What is she doing out here?"

Hansel smiled slyly. "I told you I had a plan. More like an 'insurance policy'. When I heard them talking about taking us out here and leaving us, I took Stepmother's jewelry and buried it in the backyard. That way, when she discovered her jewelry was missing, I knew she would come looking for us, so no matter what happened, we wouldn't be out here too long."

Gretel wasn't overly impressed by her brother's clever plan. "Good thinking. Except, now that we've found this place, we didn't really want her to find us, did we?" Suddenly, the proverbial light bulb went 'on' over Gretel's head. "Wait...I think we can make this work out just perfectly."

At that moment, Naggie Mae burst through the front door.

Glaring at Hansel, she approached him menacingly. "Where is my jewelry, you little shoplifter?"

Gretel jumped between Naggie and Hansel. "Wait! If you promise not to hurt us, I'll show you where the jewelry is."

Grinning innocently, Naggie lied through her teeth. "Of course I won't harm you lovely little children. Just tell me where my jewelry is."

Feigning terror, Gretel pointed at the raging oven. They're in the oven. In front, where it's not too hot."

The steamed step-mom pushed the children aside and said, "I'll deal with you later." She then opened the door to the oven, and with an insulated glove, reached into the inferno to locate her jewelry.

"It's back just a bit further..." encouraged Gretel.

As Naggie leaned in just a bit more, Gretel signaled Hansel, and the two gave her a tremendous push that sent her into toasted eternity. As Hansel and Gretel stood and admired their work, Hansel had a thought.

"Gee, Gretel, don't you think we should let Father know that something terrible has happened to Stepmother?"

Gretel paused for a moment, and an evil smile graced her face."If you're thinking the same thing that I am, then it's the only right thing to do."

Hansel chuckled and said, "I'll go find Father. Keep that fire in the oven roaring!"

Later that evening, the brother returned with Wimpy, who was quite distraught after hearing the news from Hansel that Naggie had taken ill and needed some help getting home. Upon entering the candy shack, Wimpy was drawn toward the raging fire that was burning in the oven. When he was only a few feet from the opening, Gretel called her father to get his attention, and at the same time, Hansel bent over to pretend to tie his shoe. And, for good measure, he began to whistle the very same tune his father had whistled just prior to abandoning the pair a day earlier.

Just when Wimpy was starting to connect the dots as to what was happening, Hansel flung open the oven door, and Gretel gave her father a mighty shove, who fell backwards over the stooped-over Hansel and right into the oven! The children slammed the door shut, high-five'd each other, then sat down and ate a few more of the home's furnishings before heading back to their own home.

The old woman who owned the candy home showed up shortly after the kids left. She notified the authorities about the break-in - as well as the loss of some gold coins - but since it was extremely difficult to lift a good set of fingerprints from the gooey chocolate, the kids were never connected to the crime.

As for Hansel and Gretel, they returned to their family's cottage, and, since they lived far from other villagers, were able to act as though their parents were still alive and still "parenting," living off of what remained of Naggie's jewelry, and the occasional fencing of a gold coin or two.

Once they became young adults, Hansel and Gretel went into business for themselves and opened the "H & G Crematorium"; the first crematorium in the land.

THE END

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Words: 1998