iPhone Contract, v0.1

Sometimes I feel like I’m more married to my iPhone than I am to my wife.  A little digging into my iPhone contract showed me why.  Based upon the “Form of Solemnization of Matrimony from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer”:

DEARLY beloved, we are gathered together here in the range of three cell towers, to join together this Man and this iPhone in a binding Contract; which is an honorable estate, instituted of AT&T in the time of man's innocence, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt AT&T and Apple; which AT&T adorned and beautified with its presence, and first miracle that he wrought in Cupertino; and is commended of Saint Jobs to be honorable among all phones: and therefore is not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's entertainments and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of Excessive Data Billing; duly considering the causes for which the Contract was ordained.

First, it was ordained for the common good, to be the light of communication in a dark world.

Secondly, it was ordained for a remedy against free time, and to avoid boredom; that such persons as have not the iPhone might lust over it.

Thirdly, it was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity. Into which estate this man and this iPhone come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can speak any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now initial here _____, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.

If no impediment be alleged, then continue as follows:

WILT thou have this iPhone, to live together in the estate of Perpetual Contract? Wilt thou love it, charge it, buy a continual stream of apps for it, and keep it despite wear and tear; and, forsaking all others (except genuine Apple iPhone upgrades), keep thee only unto it, so long as ye both shall live?  If so, initial here ______.

Now, holding the iPhone in hand, speak thus aloud:

I, _____________,  take thee iPhone to my binding Contract, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, to keep despite wear a tear, to love and to cherish, till battery death us do part, according to Apple’s holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

WITH this bump guard I thee wed, with my Body I thee worship, and with all my worldly Goods I thee endow; in the name of Apple, Saint Jobs, and AT&T. Amen.

FORASMUCH as ____________ and AT&T have consented together under Contract, and have witnessed the same, and thereto have given and pledged their troth either to other, and have declared the same by giving and installing of a bump guard, and by signing below; I pronounce that they be Man and iPhone together, in perpetual Contract. Amen.

iPhone is a registered trademark of Apple Inc.