Assignment #2

I focused all my energy on not stumbling as I started walking down the isle after my name was called. Really, it was just like me to stumble on the most important walk of my life. I was trying so hard to fight the temptation and not to turn my head and stare back at the other newbies that I just KNEW where staring at me, that I ended up staring at the people directly at my front. Which, did nothing for my nerves. It’s safe to say, though, that it was a wonder I kept my pace steady. And not just because I was literally looking at demigods, what with the stunning beauty and the power pouring off of them in almost tangible waves. Really, the feathery wings were just icing on the cake. Usually u couldn’t see the wings, but clearly the dominions liked to go a bit over the top for these ceremonies.
My attention was divided_ in unequal parts _ between all that and that little envelope in lady Noellas hands. There was nothing particular about it. It had a slightly yellowish color, standard sized. Not too thick. It was just a normal envelope.
And it held my entire future.
OK, maybe that was a stretch. But not by much. in that envelope, was my first assignment. my performance there would determine my entire future.
But I was willing to bet that if I stumbled now, my future would be determined right here right now. After all, dignity and grace were part of the job description. A fall on my butt would hardly qualify me.
So, walking gracefully, or with as much grace as I cud muster anyways, I made my way to the stand they’d told us to stop at. I curtsied, just like they’d said, and lady Noella nodded with that unearthly expression of hers that crept me out. I swear sometimes she looked like she knew what you were thinking.
She was the only semi-familiar face in the group, seeing as she was the dominion in charge of all principality-dominion interactions. Aside from performing the choosing ceremony each year, she was around most of the time, over seeing our training process.
Her presence hadn’t been really unwelcome, or at least openly so. But I secretly suspected the power the dominions held over the lower ranks – say, like, the principals- was a sore spot for them. But sore or not, I guess u could say the principals kind of worked for these guys.
“Introduce yourself” lady noellas clear voice ringed through the hall. it was crucial that my voice sounded steady and confident. The fact that I felt nearly ready to fall over right there was irrelevant.
“I am Arok of the principality order” I said, grateful for all the practice-with-a-mirror ladan had talked me into. It was true that I, along with all others belonged to the principality order now, but I hoped it wouldn’t stay that way. If I was really lucky, id do a perfect job on that first assignment and be promoted to a higher rank.
I tried not to dwell on the odds of that.
“What is your purpose angel Arok?” lady Noella demanded rather than asked.
“To serve, my lady”
“And do you angel Arok, swear to do so with all you have, for the purpose of good instead of evil?”
“I, Arok, swear to serve good instead of evil with all I have” it was important to answer with a full sentence.
She curtsied very slightly as a gesture of respect, and handed me the envelope.
This was it. I’d taken my vows. It was almost surreal to be holding the envelope.
I felt like leaping in the air and whooping, though I could hardly do that here. So instead, I curtsied back and moved away from the stand slowly, just like id walked up to it, and moved back toward my place in the sea of angels waiting for their turn to take the vows, where I watched the same procedure take place a gazillion times more before it was over.
We weren’t supposed to open the envelopes until the end of the ceremony, which was a test of patience, if you ask me. I would have given anything for a peek. The ceremony took a whole of five hours. I still don’t know how I managed to hold out that long. All the while I felt like the envelope was practically buzzing in my hands, begging for attention.

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Hello !

As a student of the Rockin' Review Academy I offer you this review. As author, you naturally have final say as to whether you feel any suggestion I may give is worthwhile for your work. Please know the opinions I present are only intended to improve and encourage.

First Impression:
You have chosen a good storyline. To be a good story your work needs rewriting with better descriptions. Make your reader sit in the audience of this ceremony. Let them feel the excitement, the anxious participants, the raw nerves with the words you choose to tell your story with.

Imagery/Emotion Impact:
You have lost the emotional impact on your reader with poor imagery. This story is capable of garnering strong emotional appeal with some rewriting.

Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation:
You have several run-on sentences that need to be made into several smaller sentences. You also have some sentences that are fragmented. Please allow me to give you examples:
In your first paragraph try this: The master of ceremonies called my name. I began my walk and focused all my energy on not stumbling. I fought temptation to turn my head and stare at other newbies. All the while, I just KNEW they were staring at me. As a result, anxiety overtook me when I found myself staring at the crowd just in front of me.

[Which, did nothing for my nerves.] This is a sentence fragment. How about: This did absolutely nothing for my frazzled nerves. ?

Review your work keeping an eye out for sentences like these: But not by much. in that envelope, was my first assignment. my performance there would determine my entire future.
The first word of EVERY sentence should be capitalized. Note the first sentence here is also another sentence fragment.

lady Noella is a proper noun and lady should be capitalized.

lady Noellas - Lady Noella's - You need an apostrophe showing possession. There are other such errors in your work that need correcting.

This is not a complete list of this type error in your work. Try reading through it to see where you can clarify your work with better sentence structure. I think you will be pleased with the effort.

I found many misspelled words in your work. Examples, yet, not a complete list: isle - aisle, cud -could, ringed - rang
Try using spell check to find and correct many spelling errors. This is not foolproof. Read, reread, then read your work aloud in order to detect how it sounds. This will help you write a story that has good flow.


Suggestions:
Your work needs to be double-spaced between paragraphs to allow your readers to read your story without struggle.

As you read through your work look for any opportunity to eliminate the words "and" or "but".

Seek out each word that ends in ly in an effort to replace it with a stronger, more descriptive word. Though you cannot do this in every case, many times your story is strengthened and clarified by this one writer's trick.

You have interjected text abbreviations for words. You need to spell these out unless it is a case of showing your reader an example of a text message.

I found several instances where you used the underline key rather than the dash which would be more appropriate.

Overall Impression and Rating:You have a storyline that can be transformed from a raw piece of coal into a shining diamond. In order to accomplish this, you will have to rewrite this story taking into consideration many of the suggestions made in this review. I rate the story 1.5 in it's present condition. I would be honored to raise this rating by reviewing a rewrite of the story. If you choose to rewrite your work I would be glad to assist you with it in any way.

Sandy~HopeWhisperer