|6.00am – Woke my Lady Pet by landing on her stomach and poking her with my paws. I was hungry, she seemed upset. Can’t understand why. When my Man Pet pokes her with his paws she doesn’t seem to mind. Pfft... What does he have that I haven’t got? No fur or anything. So unattractive!
6.30am – I am mortally offended, the food that has been placed in my bowl is that cheap crap. I voice my protests in the loudest way possible. Lady Pet ignores me. Man Pet is using the human litter. I decide to voice my protest in a more physical way.
6.35am – My butt still stings. I have been rudely evicted from my own home! I’m not sorry, the curtains the Lady Pet had hanging in the family room were an assault on my eyes; personally, I think I’ve done her a favour. Ungrateful oaf!
7.00am – Sunning myself on the patio, ahh this is the life!
8.00am – See the Lady Pet off to work. She still seems angry at me so I do my best puss-in-boots poor kitty expression (See! Television is educational!) It doesn’t seem to work. I am no longer speaking to her.
9.00am – Meow loudly to be let inside. Lazy Man Pet finally gets off his butt to let me in. I think he understood that I was displeased. He has locked himself in the room with the machine that plays the naked pet types – probably to sulk. I need a nap.
1.00pm – Awake slowly, the Man Pet is near me again. Pity; I rather prefer my own company. He thinks I enjoy it when he plays with me; he calls it ‘rough-housing’ rough on his hand he means. Snicker snicker. I am the tiger!
1.05pm – I am currently being held hostage in the spare bedroom. The Man Pet keeps yelling at me to come out. He is using ‘angry voice’. If you can read this – send help!
1.25pm – He has retreated. I am the cat. I’m quite sure I’ve scared him off. No man or beast can stand against the cat. I strut around a few times to re-affirm my tough cat status.
2.00pm – Stare out the window with a mournful expression. Have checked my bowl for the fortieth time and it’s still the same cheap crap. I am on a hunger strike. I fear I may die soon; the light, it beckons.
2.30pm – Getting weaker; can no longer move. I think this is the end. I reminisce on my life, it was a full one. I wonder who will get my toys; I may request to be buried with them. No one can have my bacon ball! No one.
I thought I’d seen an angel. An angel brought me food. The damn Lady Pet brought me my damn fancy feast food and saved my life. I thought I was a goner. She had better ensure this doesn’t happen again.
6.30pm – I am speaking to Lady Pet again. She has behaved quite well and brought me some nice treats to go in my bacon ball along with my fancy feast. Apology accepted.
7.00pm – I curl up on Lady Pets lap and allow her to stroke me. Man Pet comes near and I swipe him with my claw extended; he smells and he’s not quite forgiven yet.
8.00pm – Lady Pet and I shall share the bed tonight. Man Pet is on the lounge. Hah. Imprison me you fiend! Life is good.
~Rupert De Cat.
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