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Hi Allyann! After reading "Love Wears a Mask"
 , I am reviewing your work as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy!:Please accept these suggestions in the vein they are offered, as a help only. Anything you agree with please feel free to use. Anything you feel distracts from your work please disregard. You are after all the author. DISCLAIMER:I am not a professional critic or editor so please accept my views as an opinion. I wish only to offer encouragement and share some of the skills WDC has taught me.  Storyline:Your story has possibilities of being filled with mystery, suspense, romance and the timeline at a time where use of imagery can virtually explode.  First Impression:You have a story to tell. While it needs some polishing and brushing up it has the potential to be an engrossing tale.As such, I have offered some suggestions below to help enhance your well thought up work. Please do not take offense at these. It is only because I think you have a story that can be made into an outstanding work that I do so.  Imagery/Emotion: There are several areas of your work that can be fleshed out with imagery. One of these would be to give a vivid description of Thornton Hall. Paint a picture with words for your reader. We know it was a white building built by ancesters, but it could be so much more. Another is the ball itself. You wrote:This year Lady Holmes outclassed her usual style. This year the ball was fancier than ever, Tell your reader what you see as you enter the massive doorway. Describe the decorations, the excitement, the emotions flowing, the people already in attendance a little more. Tell me what Lucy is wearing. What colors, jewelry, plain, exotic? Make me feel, see, smell the surroundings.  He was all tense by now. How do we know he is tense? Are his muscles knotting? Is his stomach churning? Does his mind seem befuddled?  Jordan raised a wall of vine. Beneath it there was a wooden door. Good choice of words. I can see the vines and the door. Good writing! Suggestions: Your first sentence can be improved somewhat. How about:The carriage rattled on the paved road, jerking the coach and his master violently. This is only a suggestion of a change. You may have some better ideas describing the ride with words such as these: bouncing, vaulting, jostling.Let's get this story off to a riviting start and revise the second sentence too. The coach gritted his teeth expecting angry grumbling from his master who was inside the carriage. He knew his master was in a moody temper; yet the grumbling never came. Rewriting this part of your work causes it to flow better. It enables your reader to get a better picture of the situation. The use of dashes in your work is overused. Try going back to each place you have used them and create shorter more descriptive sentences. In doing this you will find the imagery in your work will be enhanced enormously.Let's take a look at this:[Read it aloud.] Some of the most important matches were started at Lady Holmes' ball one way or another. Lady Holmes had a habit of taking credit for some of the most important matches, which started during her masquerades one way or another.Do you detect that this sounds redundant? A couple of things may be done to remedy this. 1)Eliminate one of the sentences. 2)Rewrite the sentences in a manner that gives the same information without your wording being exactly the same. Here is another sentence that can be made a little stronger: As they both didn’t know what to say to each other there was an uneasy pause. There was an uneasy pause. Both found they were at a loss for words.  Realizing that he had just been staring at her for the past minute, the duke looked away. What the hell was he doing?! He was acting like a schoolboy! He was three and thirty already.This is very well written. I particularly like the way you give his age. It is spot on for the timeline of your story. Good job!needed to get out there now. I am wondering if you meant [out of there] here? Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:You need to double space between your paragraphs to allow easier reading and comprehending by your reader.I will tell nobody. Change this to no one. You did a very good job with spelling and grammar in your work. I like the fact that you use terms such as milord keeping the story true to timeline.Rating and Overall Impression:I give you a rating of 3.5. I feel this story can be a 5.0 with a little rewritng and fleshing out. If you choose to go back and do this, please let me know. I would be honored to read it again and give you a higer rating. It is a lovely story with much potential.  Sandy/WhisperingHope  
© Copyright 2011 Sandy~HopeWhisperer (UN: sandy1219 at Writing.Com).
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